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| Donald Rumsfeld's Plea: Send Our Troops Your Scrap Metal |
| 01.25.05 (7:11 am) [edit] |
Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld, who earlier promised a quick response to the question posed to him in Kuwait by Tennessee National Guard Specialist Thomas Wilson, has announced the latest initiative in the Green Army Recycling Program (GARP). The Pentagon will shortly be sending the few troops left in the United States door to door to collect Americans scrap metal to send to the troops in Iraq.
Mr. Rumsfeld spoke as he finally wiped the last of the egg off his face after the question and answer period with his troops, "Our American Forces are the most resourceful soldiers on Earth and I believe there's no end to what they can accomplish as long as they have the supplies they need, and while we're manufacturing scrap metal in the form of blown out Humvees and supply trucks as fast as we can , the Army just doesn't have all the scrap metal we need to keep our troops safe. Therefore we're asking all Americans to sacrifice for the War Effort by donating any scrap steel they may have laying around in their backyards to the troops. We know, for example that especially in the Red States there are a great many junked cars and refrigerators just sitting around on peoples front lawns and porches. These supplies are vital to the War Effort, so we're asking: support your troops...give em your old Chevy and Frigidaire."
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " You see, this is why we kept Donny in the Defense post when everybody said he was a senile old whacko. That guy can sure come up with novel solutions to some of the most vexing problems facing the Administration. Everyone at home complains of pollution and all the troops in Iraq complain they're getting killed, so why not kill two birds with one stone? Now, I know that asking Bubba in Alabama to part with his old junked Ford F 250 is just about gonna kill him even if the things been up on blocks for ten years and is nothing more than a big planter sitting in the front yard but this is War man, and we all have to do our part. We in the White House already did our part by sending these guys into battle unprotected; now it's the publics turn to help."
Bubba in Alabama, speaking on the condition that nobody told his pals at the Dew Drop Inn that he knew what the word anonymity meant as it would make him sound like a Pointy Headed Yankee Liberal said, "well shit, I voter fer the little feller (Bush), or I woulda if I hadn't been drinkin all the night before and was too hung over to get to the polls, and I want to what I can to Support the Troops, but those fuckers better not try to touch the pickup. Why, that there truck is almost cherry...it just needs a front end, engine, new gas tank, doors, windshield and floor boards, some tires and a new rear end and it'll be like new, sorta." - http://www.unconfirmedsources...
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| Bush Admits He Needs More Human Intelligence |
| 01.23.05 (6:52 am) [edit] |
[i]Mr. Bush prepares for the inauguration[/i]
Wadington (Spoof International News)--President Bush admitted Tuesday that his administration would be bolstered with better Human intelligence.
"Human intelligence," Mr. Bush said, "is the one thing my administration needs more of. Being able to read the mail, memos, and all that paperwork stuff. It would be so much faster if we all had more intelligence."
The lack of human intelligence has been blamed by many for the mistaken belief in stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction in the former Iraqi republic. "I really, really, really thought they had WMDs over there. All the signs pointed to that. And I want to point out that we have, to a large degree, dismantled the Al Qaeda network. Now if we could just dismantle that Al-Jazeera network!," Mr. Bush went on. "When I was a boy I liked to dismantle things. Trouble was I couldn't put them back together! I hope Osama can't put them back together either."
Mr. Bush was asked about his plan to increase the level of human intelligence in his administration. "I'm glad you asked me that. Very glad. Now let me tell you. Umm, well I know that I'm taking up chess with Laura. Chess and scrabble. I think Dick and Condie are doing something. I've seen Don with the Reader's Digest...I think he's trying to put some new words in that vocabulary of his. Yes; I can assure you that we are very earnest."
Mr. Bush was asked how he and the remainder of the U.S. citizenry are now percieved throughout the world after the first 4 years of his administration. "I'm glad you asked me that. The propagandists...well, they've managed to convince the world that the USA isn't such a good place to be. They've managed to convince everyone that we don't love peace. Our war in Iraq shows that we do though! They've managed to convince everyone that elections are no more fair and legitimate in the US than any other country. Can't they just look at our election system though? Why can't they see it?"
Mr. Bush also admitted that he, in fact, is not perfect. In this way he likened himself to Ronald Reagan. "He had to make some tough decisions that, at the time, weren't perceived as very good ones. Like firing all the air traffic controllers. He made a real point by doing that," said Mr. Bush. "And I know I may have speaken a bit rough at times, during my first administration. I know I can do better though. Once the Scrabble kicks in."
[i]Satire by Chief Cheese, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| President for Life Bush begins Second Term with Mass Purges |
| 01.23.05 (6:46 am) [edit] |
[i]Self-proclaimed "President for Life" Bush and his supporters celebrate the begining of the Thousand Year Term[/i]
Washington D.C.- In a stunning move, President Bush has declared himself "President for Life" and announced numerous changes in the American way of life. Using his inaugural speech to tell the country about the new "Freedom Reforms", President for Life Bush spoke about the many things that will be changing, for the better. "Now is the time to show America's resolve, not only overseas but here on the homefront as well, you are either with the party, or against us." As protesters at the inauguration begin to protest and shout profanities at the president, members of the Department of Homeland Securitys', Freedom Legion quickly arrested them and they were swiftly placed in to large holding facilities. "We must show the terrorists a united America, without all this partisan squabbling." President for Life Bush said.
All citizens will now be required to carry identification cards, join the republican party, and become Christians. Newly appointed Minister of Truth Dick Cheney announced that starting next month, trials will be held for enemies of the state. "We have uncovered a plot at the Democratic National Headquarters and we were able to capture their fiery leader Howard Dean. Let the people of America breathe a sigh of relief, the terror of socialism is being extinguished." Other Democratic leaders who have been arrested include, Senators John Kerry and Ted Kennedy and Hilary Clinton as well as most of the democratic wing of the House of Representatives. All citizens who are a part of the Democratic party or Green party are being rounded up and sent to re-education centers around the country.
President for Life Bush has also announced that he will not leave office in 2008. "It would be completely irresponsible to leave the Oval Office in the middle of war. I will stay your exulted leader for as long as it takes." The President has also suspended all institutions of secondary education and all men ages 18-28 are involuntarily signing up for the armed forces. "Wherever freedom is threatened you can expect the feared armies of the United States to be there." Chief of Armed Forces Donald Rumsfled boldly stated.
Critics have called Bush's new moves to be unconstitutional and that he is really just eroding freedom to enhance his own power. Senator John McCain a Vietnam war veteran was enraged, "Everything I fought for in that war is being completely destroyed, I can not believe the President is doing this." Shortly after that, Minister of Truth Dick Cheney announced that it had been discovered that Sen. McCain was a part of an Al-Qaeda cell and that he was unfortenately shot when he fought against officers from the Freedom Legion attempting to question him.
All television services have been taken over by the government and now citizens will be able to choose from two channels, BushTV1 and BushTV2. In a televised speech, President for Life Bush encouraged citizens to "Look forward, to the time when the American empire spans the entire world and when we will no longer have to fear the deeds of the evil-doers."
[i]Satire by Kuba, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Christian Conservatives Want Barney's Genitalia!!! *&@#!^&*( |
| 01.23.05 (6:41 am) [edit] |
[i]"Look, no genitalia[/i]!"
Christian Conservative gangs in the US are marching the streets armed with machetes and automatic weapons in search of SpongeBob SquarePants, Barney, and other suspected homosexual characters.
The mobs, spurred on by right-wing bible-bashing liberal-hating James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family Christian group, are determined to string up the characters and chop off their genitalia.
Their anger stems from the recording of a music video featuring SpongeBob, Barney, Bob the Builder and many other characters whose sexuality, according to Mr Dobson, is questionable. The video is to be sent to US schools to promote tolerance.
In Texas, one mob frenziedly hacked a large piece of cheese that was sticking out of a bin, believing it to be SpongeBob in hiding. Another mob, in Ohio, surrounded a group of workmen digging up a street and demanded that Bob the Builder be handed over.
One mob member, the Reverend Billy Goodman told The Spoof: “We got God on our side and we got machetes. Blunt machetes. It's gonna hurt that sick perverted gay yellow hole filled piece of sh-”
“Please, Billy. Mind your language. Don't forget that the Good Lord doesn't like bad language,” interrupted Jenny Goodman, the Reverend's wife. “We're just gonna cut off his particulars, that's all.”
But the mob's blood-lust is unlikely to be satiated for two reasons. Firstly, the characters have no genitalia. And secondly, the characters have a friend in a very high place.
President Bush is a huge fan of both Barney and SpongeBob. He regularly sits in front of the TV, eating a bowl of Cheerios while watching his colourful friends dance about in Makebelieveland. It is even rumoured that he has had the pair over for dinner at the White House.
A source close to the president told The Spoof that Barney and SpongeBob have been hidden amongst the thousands of cuddly toys in the president's bedroom, outside which a CIA agent stands guard.
Earlier today, before the characters went into hiding, a Spoof reporter asked SpongeBob and Barney how they felt about the mob's threats. Both were defiant. Said SpongeBob: “We don't care! We can't die. And they can't chop off our genitalia, because we don't have any.” Barney sang a song about having no genitalia.
[i]Satire by Joe Dent, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Bush Accuses Saddam of Telling the Truth |
| 01.14.05 (7:02 am) [edit] |
[b]Evildoer Knowingly Came Clean on WMD's, President Charges[/b]
Just hours after confirming that the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was over, President George W. Bush leveled his harshest charge ever at Saddam Hussein, accusing the former Iraqi dictator of "knowingly telling the truth" about not possessing WMD in the months leading up to the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq.
"After years of lying about his weapons, Saddam Hussein willfully decided to tell the truth about them," Mr. Bush said. "His treachery knows no bounds."
After Mr. Bush excoriated Saddam for his "wanton truth-telling," he added that "thanks to the work of our coalition, Mr. Saddam Hussein will never be free to tell the truth again."
Mr. Bush argued that even though the stated reason for invading Iraq no longer applied, preventing the former Iraqi strongman from telling the truth in the future was "reason enough" to go to war.
"In the wrong hands, the truth can destabilize regions and even destroy entire civilizations," Mr. Bush said. "In that respect, the truth itself is a weapon of mass destruction – one that Mr. Saddam Hussein will never be able to use again."
The president concluded his remarks with tough words for North Korea's Kim Jong-Il, whom Mr. Bush accused of telling the truth about his own weapons program.
Naming Mr. Kim a member of what he called "The Axis of Veracity," Mr. Bush urged the North Korean madman to cease and desist telling the truth and to "join the community of truth-fearing nations."
Elsewhere, organizers of this weekend's tsunami telethon confirmed that Fox's Bill O'Reilly would participate but would not be allowed anywhere near the telephones.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.yubanet.com/artman...
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