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| WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCES SALE OF U.S. ARMY TO CHINA |
| 12.30.04 (7:41 am) [edit] |
"[i]Who's the Superpower now, you lunning dog loser[/i]."
The White House has issued a statement yesterday revealing it’s plans to reduce it’s massive National Debt by selling off various governmental assets. George W. Bush is expected to hold a news conference later today announcing the sale of the United States military forces, including the National Guard and Coast Guard, to China. The deal, worth an estimated three hundred and sixty billion dollars over three years is expected to be completed by January 15th, 2005. The deal must be ratified by the Republican led Congress but all reports suggest it will pass easily.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “ I suppose you’re gonna make this all sound worse than it is in your piddling little column, but you gotta think about it from our side. What are the two biggest problems facing the Administration today? That’s right, the War in Iraq and the economy. We’re losing about fifteen billion dollars a month. Well, if we can pop two hundred and fifty billion back into bank that’ll put us back to where we were two years ago, debt wise. In addition we reduce our monthly nut by billions. On the War side, one of two things are going to happen...either the Chinese will sort out the mess we made of Iraq and the war is over or things will go on the way they’ve been going, only now the Chinese get the blame, not George Bush.
Continuing to be anonymous Waterhouse went on, “ Now, I know there are gonna be a lot of questions about this sale. For instance military wives are already trying to figure out whether they’re now Chinese citizens or Americans. The short answer is: start learning to speak Mandarin, kids. The Administration will however be issuing green cards to the former Americans and their immediate families good for the next six months so they can get their affairs in order. After all, we’re not completely heatless. Of course when the cards expire, they’re immediately deported to Peking. If they don’t like it, let em go to Tiananmen Square and protest it”
Opinion in the military is divided over the sale. Many top generals are worried that their seniority will be reduced in the move, but the average grunt on the streets of Fallujah seem to be receptive to the deal. Said Private H. Elpme, “First off, I’ve always loved Kung Pao Chicken and they don’t make a MRE with that in it, so that’s good. On the actual war front, anything’s better than Donald Rumsfeld.”
[i]Satire by Chuck Terzella, TheSpoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| FAILED MISSILE DEFENSE ROCKET WINS PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM |
| 12.30.04 (7:31 am) [edit] |
[b]Latest White House Ceremony Raises Eyebrows[/b]
An interceptor rocket that failed to launch last week during a test of a proposed missile defense system confounded its critics today by receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom in a ceremony at the White House.
President George W. Bush presided over the ceremony, placing the Medal of Freedom around the part of the rocket that would be its neck if rockets had necks.
As he presented the medal, Mr. Bush made no mention of the interceptor rocket’s refusal to leave the ground, saying only that the missile had “made our country more secure and advanced the cause of human liberty.”
The award, the first of its kind given to an inanimate object that was involved in an abortive missile test, raised more than a few eyebrows in official Washington, especially amid rumors that President Bush was about to award Presidential Medals of Freedom to actor Ben Affleck and recording artist Afroman.
According to a source close to the president, Mr. Bush believes that Mr. Affleck, by starring in the 2003 film “Gigli,” and Afroman, by recording the 2001 novelty hit “Because I Got High,” “made our country more secure and advanced the cause of human liberty.”
While Presidential Medals of Freedom are given solely at the president’s discretion, experts worry that at Mr. Bush’s current pace the U.S. will run out of Presidential Medals of Freedom by early 2006 and will have to start importing them from Canada.
Elsewhere, a new study shows that aspects of the U.S. military are outmoded and in need of replacement, such as Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| Bush’s Second Term Plan |
| 12.19.04 (6:21 am) [edit] |
Bush releases his plans for his second term.
The Constitution shall be changed so Presidential term limits are extended to three six year terms. This will result in Bush’s first term being extended to January 20th 2006, with his second term ending January 20th 2012. However, this means backtracking since this dictation shall be done after his second term inauguration.
A 50% federal income tax shall be imposed any person who has never served in the U.S. armed forces. Those defaulting on the income tax shall be subject to treason, resulting in loss of U.S. citizenship, thus being subject to deportation back to the country their ancestors came from. Elected officials will be exempt from the tax.
Creationism shall be taught in all public schools. Out of school practice of non-Methodist religions shall result in expulsion.
The Pledge of Allegiance shall be changed to read, “…one nation under Bush [whatever current President], indivisible, with liberty and justice for America”.
All future former Presidents [next shall be Bush] shall automatically be declared Vice-President of the U.S.; voting for Vice-President shall be completely eliminated.
Bush to annex Canada’s British Columbia in order to build a “land bridge” to Alaska. Reasons being to insure national security of all states.
Bush orders the building of a bridge from California to Hawaii to insure national security.
Creation of a No-College-Student-Left-B ehind which shall require mandatory service in the armed forces. All college students shall be subject to this, male or female, citizen or foreigner. College students failing to participate in mandatory service shall be subject to expulsion with a $200,000 fine.
Laws shall be changed to allow collection of debts to be extended to one’s extended family. Failure to pay the full fine shall result in repossession of one’s family’s property/money. This shall extend from one’s grandparents to one’s offspring, including all of one’s first cousins.
Governors of states shall be appointed by the President rather than being elected by the state’s citizens.
All U.S. citizens shall be subject to the Barcode Act secretly passed November 1st 2004. The Barcode Act allows the U.S. Government to tag all citizens who cause trouble or are suspect of a crime. This shall include all protestors. The tag shall include GPS as to physically track all tagged citizens.
[i]Satire by Antony-Kyre, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| White House Supports Network Television Ban of Christian Films |
| 12.18.04 (6:50 am) [edit] |
[i]Moses Puts the Smite on the Bill of Rights[/i]
Christian Conservative groups were outraged when their Family Values Campaign apparently backfired today, resulting in the cancellation of most Bible based films from network television such as Moses, The Greatest Story Ever Told and The Robe. Network Television executives, fresh off their banning of Saving Private Ryan on Veteran’s Day due to language and violence have determined that Bible based films suffer the same failings.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “ We in the Bush Administration wholeheartedly support the Networks in their decision to not show these gory and violent films. Hollywood has to realize that it’s a new day in America and they can’t just throw any blood filled crap on the air to scare our poor innocent children. I mean think about it...John the Baptist gets his head cut off, Jesus is whipped and nailed to a cross, Egyptians with boils, it’s disgusting; why, it’s almost as horrifying as Janet Jackson’s nipple! “
Continuing to anonymously speak, Waterhouse continued, “ We are encouraging parents to boycott any station that shows violent content in whatever form, whether it’s the Passion of Christ or Saving Private Ryan. Parents should let their kids just play computer games instead like Mortal Kombat or Doom. We would’ve suggested the Syms as well but we’ve got a sneaking suspicion they’re Jewish.
When informed that Conservative Christians wanted to see Jesus get whipped and nailed to a cross and die and John the Baptist get his head cut off but not Janet Jackson’s nipple, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that he was completely befuddled said, “ Wait a minute, you’re telling me that three hours of a guy getting his head cut off or nailed to a cross is okay, but three seconds of a cute Black chick’s nipple isn’t? You must have your facts wrong. Why would Christians want to see their Savior sliced and diced? That would be as stupid as saying, oh... I don’t know, that killing an unborn child is wrong but killing tens of thousands of Iraqi women and children in the name of Freedom is fine. Who would think that way? Violence is violence, unless of course George Bush is the one committing it, and should be banned.”
Christian Conservative Groups responded to Waterhouse’s comments by marching to Washington to flog and nail him to a cross for getting it wrong.
[i]Satire by Chuck Terzella, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| RUMSFELD DEMANDS FULL BODY ARMOR FOR NEXT MEETING WITH TROOPS |
| 12.16.04 (8:32 am) [edit] |
[b]Felt ‘Unprotected,’ Defense Secretary Says[/b]
Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld blasted the White House today for not providing him with full body armor for his acrimonious question-and-answer session with troops in Kuwait this week, saying that the lack of body armor put him in a potentially perilous situation.
“I felt totally unprotected out there,” Secretary Rumsfeld said. “You cannot send a Secretary of Defense out on a mission like that without full body armor.”
Secretary Rumsfeld said he had spent hours scavenging around Kuwait City looking for body armor before his meeting with troops, and warned that he would “think twice” before engaging in another question-and-answer session without adequate protection.
The Secretary of Defense added that if the White House did not provide him with full body armor immediately, the next time he spoke to troops he would do it from inside a Bradley fighting vehicle.
At the White House, President George W. Bush said that a full body armor suit had in fact been ordered for Secretary Rumsfeld, but that it no longer fit because Mr. Rumsfeld ate too much at Thanksgiving.
Mr. Bush added that until a new body armor suit was ready, Mr. Rumsfeld would have to make do with a Brooks Brothers suit for future encounters with troops.
“You go to war with the Secretary of Defense you have,” he said.
Elsewhere, congressional leaders expressed hope that the just-passed intelligence reform bill would provide accurate, up-to-date intelligence reports for the president not to read.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| Latest Administration Resignation: George W. Bush |
| 12.14.04 (10:50 am) [edit] |
"[i]Color Me Gone[/i]"
The latest and perhaps most surprising resignation of the new Administration was handed in earlier today. President George W. Bush has signaled that he too has decided not return for a second term in the White House, following the likes of Secretary of State Colin Powell, Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge, Treasury Secretary John Snow and UN Ambassador John Danforth.
It was rumored that although he was asked to stay by White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove and Vice President Dick Cheney, Mr. Bush still submitted and accepted his own letter of resignation, citing the need to spend more time with his family. Mr. Bush’s family also urged him to stay on the job, citing their need to not have him around if at all possible.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We in the White House are saddened by the President’s resignation. While it’s true that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have always run the day to day and long term operations here so no one will actually notice his absence, we’re sure gonna miss the little guy. He was just fun to have around... running through the West Wing halls, waving that little sword, dressing up in his darling uniforms and sitting on that phone book behind his desk issuing Executive Orders, or Erectuative Porters as he would call them. God, he was just so cute.”
Mr. Bush’s Evangelical Christian base, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “As long as all the abortion doctors are put on death row and no lives will be saved by stem cell research, we don’t give a fuck who runs the world.”
While his actual influence on policy was negligible, as those decisions have been and will continue to be made by Halliburton and the Shell Corporation, President Bush was arguably the most well known face in the Administration. In the wake of his surprise departure White House officials have been left scrambling to find another front man.
Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of never ending anonymity continued, “We’ve been spit balling names of candidates to front for our secret agenda. We contacted Mickey Rooney hoping to keep the short and dopey thing going but he told us to piss off. Then we tried to get Nancy Reagan to let us dig up and stuff Ronnie, but her astrologer said it wasn’t in the stars. Now it seems that the front runner is William O’Dell, the CEO of DieBold. After all, as he pointed out, he’s the guy who really won the election anyway; the actual name on the ballot had nothing to do with the amount of votes cast.”
[i]Satire by Chuck Terzella, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| DIM-WITTED BUSH TO GOOGLE FUTURE NOMINEES ... |
| 12.14.04 (10:43 am) [edit] |
[b]Kerik + Nanny Yields 20,000 Web Pages [/b]
After the embarrassing flap over the nomination of Bernard Kerik as the new Homeland Security Secretary, President George W. Bush announced today that the White House would take the extraordinary step of Googling all future Cabinet nominees.
“Looking back on it, I wish we had Googled Bernard Kerik,” the president said today. “It would’ve saved us a lot of grief all around.”
Mr. Bush said that he would have Googled Mr. Kerik earlier, but that he only learned of the existence of the Google search engine on Friday, long after the Kerik appointment had been made public.
“I guess I have a lot to learn about the Internets,” Mr. Bush said.
Instead of silencing critics, however, the president’s comments only emboldened those who had been urging the Administration to Google prospective nominees for months.
According to those critics, a simple Google search using the words “Kerik + Nanny”, for example, yields over 20,000 separate web pages, while a search using the words “Kerik + Conflict + Interest” yields over 900,000 pages.
At the firestorm over the failure to Google Mr. Kerik raged, White House spokesman Scott McClellan denied that the Administration did not do a thorough job of vetting the former police commissioner: “We asked Jeeves if he was okay, and Jeeves said he was.”
Mr. McClellan added that the White House is now considering nominating only candidates who do not have a nanny, but added, “That would mean picking a Democrat.”
Elsewhere, the Labor Department announced that unemployment surged in the last month but attributed much of the increase to the Bush cabinet.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| Bush to America: Support Your Troops...We Can't |
| 12.13.04 (1:01 pm) [edit] |
[i]It's Time To Reform His Intelligence[/i]
George W. Bush, speaking at California’s Camp Pendleton, asked Americans to “Support our Troops”. In a speech to the assembled soldiers Mr. Bush said, “Americans need to give our troops the support they need. We in the government would like to support them, but I gave away all of the governments money and then some in the first term, so we in Washington can’t really afford to support our troops anymore. So, we’re asking all Americans to bring covered dishes, you know, like casseroles, to their nearest military base to help feed the troops. And bullets. If any of you guys have some bullets or spare flak jackets that would be helpful. Cash too...the soldiers always need cash. Hell, I could use some myself, heh, heh.”
The President’s plea for Americans to make more sacrifices marks a turnaround for the Administration. It will be remembered that in the wake of September 11th and the during the initial attack on Afghanistan Mr. Bush urged American citizens to go shopping and out to dinner citing the fact that if Americans denied themselves their creature comforts then, “the Terrorists will have won.” In the Camp Pendleton speech, which was given on December 7th, the sixty third anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor, Mr. Bush seemed to echo Democratic President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s calls for sacrifice during the forties, tacitly admitting that the Iraq War is turning out to be as long and hard a slog as World War II was. Of course in that war, Japan was the one who attacked preemptively and we all know how well that worked out for them.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “You know, it’s weird. Before the election we in the Administration had no idea that the War was going badly. If we did, of course we would have told the American people. We also thought that jobs creation was up, the dollar was strong, the environment was in good shape and the rest of the world loved us. Things started to change, oh, I don’t know...the minute John Kerry conceded the election. September and October jobs numbers were revised downward, the Euro became the currency of choice, Iraq fell apart, nobody seems to like us anymore and of course Alaska is melting and polar bears will be extinct by 2010. So, in a real way all of these bad things can be traced back to John Kerry.”
John Kerry, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “ I told you fucking idiots in the Red States that we were in trouble, but did you listen? Noooo. Now you’ve kept a President that has preemptively aborted thousands of Iraqi children by blowing up their mothers and fathers, you’ll all probably die of diseases that stem cell research might have cured like skin cancer due to ozone depletion and you won’t be able to afford Chinese slave manufactured goods cause your money is worthless. Congratulations you bozo’s and Happy New Year.”
[i]Satire by Chuck Terzella, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Rummy's Retort ... (CARTOON) ... OUCH!!! |
| 12.13.04 (12:44 pm) [edit] |
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| DUBYA'S RECORD-BREAKER ... (And No End in Sight!) ... |
| 12.08.04 (1:16 pm) [edit] |
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| UN Ambassador Resigns: No One Will Play With Him |
| 12.04.04 (6:59 am) [edit] |
[i]"Mr. President, No One Likes You."[/i]
The United States Ambassador to the United Nations has tendered his resignation to the Bush Administration after only six months on the job. John Danforth, a former Senator from Missouri and once thought to be in line for the post of Secretary of State, cited the desire to spend more time with his family as his reason for departing the post. However, as Mr. Danforth has also recently stated his intentions to depart on a yearlong Yak hunting trip to Upper Mongolia, some of the more cynical Washington insiders have postulated that there may be other reasons for his departure.
When he first accepted the post Ambassador Danforth reportedly told President Bush, “The book on you is that you go it alone and don’t much believe in the UN.” Those same reports suggest that Mr. Bush assured Mr. Danforth at that time that he wanted to build a stronger relationship with the United Nations to help fight the War on Terrorism and improve ties with France. Apparently the fact that President Bush had a sense of humor and could say that with a straight face is what convinced Mr. Danforth, a man who always enjoyed a good joke, to take the job.
But Mr. Danforth’s term has been somewhat less than fun filled. A close friend of his has said that, “ Poor John has had a hard time at the UN. None of the other members will talk to him in the halls, and several times he’s been crowded and pushed on the stairs, sending his Top Secret papers flying all over the floor. In the UN cafeteria they’ve ostracized him and once or twice have taped signs on his back saying things like ‘I work for a Hitler wannabe’ and ‘My Boss can’t even spell UN’. Ambassadors can be so cruel sometimes.”
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We in the White House are gonna miss John. He came to the job full of hope that he could really do some good. He was sure that the United States could once again become a respected leader in global affairs and that relationships with our ‘Allies’ in Old Europe could be mended. What a misguided dope.”
[i]Satire by Chuck Terzella, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| BUSH FILLS REMAINING CABINET POSTS WITH SELF |
| 12.04.04 (6:52 am) [edit] |
[b]Introduces Self Seven Times in White House [/b]
CeremonyBreaking with time-honored tradition, President George W. Bush announced today that he would fill all remaining Cabinet positions for his second term with himself.
Aides to the president said that the goal of appointing himself to the seven vacant positions was to achieve greater harmony within his Cabinet, and also to limit the number of people who could possibly write tell-all memoirs at a later date.
In addition to serving as president, Mr. Bush will now occupy many other senior positions in his administration including Secretary of Defense, Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Labor, and Postmaster General.
The president chose himself to head every available Cabinet-level department with the exception of the Environment Protection Agency, a job that the president said “was for losers.”
In his historic announcement at the White House, Mr. Bush introduced himself seven times to reporters and said that in his first official act as Treasury Secretary he would change the motto on U.S. coins and currency from “E Pluribus Unum” to “My Way or the Highway.”
Dr. Edwin Kragen, a professor of political science at the University of Minnesota, said that the president’s decision to hire himself seven times may turn out to be his boldest stroke to date.
“While he may not get the diversity of opinion one wants at Cabinet meetings, on the positive side, he won’t need as many chairs and glasses of water,” Dr. Kragen said.
Elsewhere, at the New York Stock Exchange yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney rose eight dollars a share in active trading.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| IRAQI ELECTIONS DELAYED TO ALLOW TIME FOR NEGATIVE ADS |
| 12.02.04 (7:25 am) [edit] |
[b]Swift Boat Veterans Parachute into Baghdad [/b]
The Iraqi elections, originally set for January 2005, have been delayed six months to give the Iraqi people enough time to produce and air negative political ads, the White House announced today.
“The purpose of these elections is to foster democracy in Iraq, but without negative ads, there is no democracy,” said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.
The decision to delay the Iraqi vote was the brainchild of White House political strategist Karl Rove, who said he was “dismayed” by the state of Iraqi’s negative advertising infrastructure.
“Their understanding of how to use distortions, unflattering photographs and scary-sounding announcers is rudimentary at best,” Mr. Rove said. “If the elections were to go forward without professionally-produced attack ads, the whole process would be seen as a sham.”
In order to teach the Iraqi people how to make corrosive, below-the-belt television spots, Mr. Rove has ordered the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, a group whose ads proved particularly effective during the 2004 presidential campaign, to parachute into Baghdad at once.
Davis Hartnett, a spokesman for the veterans group, said that they were already helping Iraqi citizens produce a series of negative ads attacking the Vietnam record of one potential presidential candidate, the Shiite politician Hassan Yousif.
Reached at his campaign headquarters in Mosul, Mr. Yousif angrily called the ads “the work of madmen,” telling reporters, “I did not even serve in Vietnam.”
“Our point exactly,” Mr. Hartnett said.
Elsewhere, in a major policy shift, the government of Pakistan said it would no longer pretend to be looking for Osama bin Laden.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| Tom DeLay Takes Charge and more Charges! |
| 12.02.04 (7:22 am) [edit] |
During a recent ethics subcommittee meeting, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay sought a loyalty pledge to President Bush from all members. As part of this pledge, subcommittee members were asked to give their souls to Jesus and their asses to the Republican cause. When Democrats suggested the later was a bit too much, DeLay ordered them to be strip-searched and marched naked through the Senate. When asked by Senate Majority Leader Dennis Hassert why he had resorted to such a demeaning tactic, DeLay replied, “Jesus told me to do it!” At that Hassert acknowledged that Jesus, indeed, now had the “political capital” to determine marching the Democrats through the Senate naked was appropriate. Hassert did say he would be verifying this with the Reverend Jerry Falwall.
The House debated a measure that would have installed DeLay as the provisional Attorney General for Texas under marital law. This was shelved for a later vote. Travis County District Attorney Ronnie Earl would be placed under mandatory indefinite house arrest if the bill had passed thereby rendering his possible indictment of Tom DeLay an unlikely event. Reached for comment, Mr. DeLay simply said, ”This action may become necessary to counter a nasty, wholly untrue and partisan attack on my illegal activities.”
“I’m Tom DeLay, son. I make laws. I change laws. Haven’t you heard of the DeLay Protection Act? The very idea that some peon like a District Attorney would think they could impugn my character just because I broke a few silly Texas campaign finance laws is ridiculous. Those laws were never meant to apply to [i][b]me[/b][/i]. We’re talkin’ the[i][b] intent [/b][/i]of the law. If that Ronnie Earl wants to make a case against me, he’s got to get past every Republican [i][b]and Democrat [/b][/i]I got under my thumb!” DeLay retorted.
Just prior to the recent election, three of DeLay’s closest political operatives were indicted for campaign finance violations with seemingly solid evidence. At that time Mr. DeLay’s office issued a statement that “These charges are laughable. These men did nothing that hasn’t been done in Texas for a hundred years. These cases have no merit and we’ll stand by these gentlemen until just after their appeals are completed.”
Attempts to reach the three DeLay aides by telephone were unsuccessful, however, an anonymous caller suggested this reporter visit Hooks Airport, a small municipal airport outside Houston. There I found the three men waiting for a chartered Aero Costa Rica jet to take them on a two-month long vacation. The three men asked they not be directly quoted but reluctantly did agree to be interviewed by this reporter.
Q: Why are you going to Costa Rica and out of this airport? Isn’t a charter more expensive?
A: “Ah…yes. We are going to a special meeting of the Political Asylum Program to work out…details. We're going to kinda take a vacation and hang out...you know...relieve stress and stuff. Mr. DeLay was kind enough to allow us the use of his jet for the trip.”
Q: So Mr. DeLay owns an Aero Costa Rica Airlines jet?
A: “Yes…No, not really, but his banker in Costa Rica allows him to use his jet for his monthly trips to Costa Rica. We’re just bumming a ride since Mr. DeLay is busy defending himself in Washington today.”
Q: If you are all going on vacation, shouldn’t you have more luggage? You each have what appear to be rather large and heavy briefcases, but are dressed in business suits. What do you intend to do in Costa Rica?
A: “We are…ah…planning to visit a bank, maybe catch the latest movie and just hang out at the hotel bar.”
Q: Why would you visit a bank? Hey…and why are each of you handcuffed to your briefcases?
A: “Here’s our plane! Thank you for giving us the opportunity to talk to you. Tell our families we’ll be back real soon and ‘Hasta La Vista’!”
With that the men simply ran to the waiting jet whose door opened and an armed guard quickly escorted the men inside. The door shut and the plane departed without shutting down the engines.
When Mr. DeLay was asked about the suspicious nature of his aides’ departure, he responded, “What the hell! Don’t you liberal; left wing media types have nothing better to do than to harass decent hardworking Republicans? Why shouldn’t these men take a vacation? They earned it, not like you welfare wantin’, tree huggin’, dope tokin’ Democrats.
This reporter will stay on this story and attempt to gain some insight into the ever-changing character of Congressman Tom DeLay.
[i]Satire by FastrBud, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Bush Visits Canada; People Vomit ... |
| 12.02.04 (7:18 am) [edit] |
HALIFAX, Nova Scrotia- Bush praised Canadians today in Halifax of their assistance after 9/11. Half of the population was very pissed off of his arrival. But most Canadian-Bush-Haters flopped their opinions Kerry style when Bush explained "blah blah boogey boogey I love hockey."
"[i]blah blah boogey boogey I love hockey[/i]."
Heads turned, bombs went off, protest signs fell after hearing what the Texan President said. President Bush gave a quirky smile, and added, "Peaceful nations must keep the peace by going after the terrorists and disrupting their plans and cutting off their funding."
He also explained that Canada and the U.S. have had their differences in the past. But hoped to one day see eye to eye. He suspiciously added that if he had to, he would stoop down to Prime Minister Paul Martin's height. Noone laughed. The audience was not sure whether or not the remark was supposed to be funny. Bush then droned on for about an hour about how Canadians are good people.
"There's only one way to deal with enemies who plot in secret," he said. "We must take the fight to them. We must be relentless and we must be steadfast in our duty to protect our people, [and that's why I am here in Canada]." Ok, I'm not sure if he really said that. But it'd be funny wouldn't it?
After that, everybody fell back to sleep. Bush, nervous, not knowing what to do, commented on Prime Minister Paul Martin's wife's cooking. Afterwards everybody started "regurjatating" and falling over into siezures. Apparently unconfirmed sources say the Prime Minister Paul Martin's wife's cooking is notoriously bad. Bush appoligized and added how much he loved hockey. Again, the crowd applaused the president.
Bush quickly added, "This is the bestest relationship U.S. and Canadians have ever have, ay?" I guess it seems the U.S. is once again best buds with Canada. Rejoice.
[i]Satire by Jan-Michael, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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