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| What's Going On In Bush's Oval Orifice??? |
| 10.30.04 (4:01 am) [edit] |
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| Secret Documents Confirm that Bush-Cheney Administration Will Create Two Americas |
| 10.30.04 (3:58 am) [edit] |
[b]Washington, DC[/b]--Secret documents unearthed from inside one of George Bush's cowboy boots confirm that if re-elected, the Bush-Cheney Administration will create two de facto Americas within the United States of America.
[i]Administration Officials Are Working Hard To Create Two Americas[/i]
One America will incorporate the best qualities of socialism, such as the 35-hour work week, government-sponsored health and child care, and affordable housing, with free daily vouchers to numerous fast-food restaurants, access to unlimited and inexpensive gas and heating fuel, and the ability to double-park anywhere without ever receiving a parking ticket. Americans placed in this America also will not be forced to listen to elevator music in supermarkets, office buildings, retail establishments, and--uh--elevators.
These Americans will also have access to special interests rates and will be able to borrow money at 1% and save money at 18%. Finally, they will be exempt from most criminal charges, although reading a book that is not on the best-seller list and has not been ghostwritten is grounds for immediate exile to a country where freedom is on the march.
In the other America, people will pay for health care coverage but never receive it because if nobody needs a flu vaccine, nobody needs any kind of medicine or treatment. However, the Bush-Cheney Administration thinks it is a mark of character for people to take responsibility for their own health care. That means paying for it out of pocket even if they don't get it.
Several networks will start a new reality show entitled "Operate on Your Neighbor" so that Americans can learn how to take care of their own health care issues more effectively. "This is a great example of helping small businesses and giving tax dollars back to the people," said one Administration official. "If a woman can sew a shirt, she can sew up a wound. If she can use a knife to chop vegetables, she can use a knife to transplant a liver."
People will be encouraged to borrow money at 18% and save money at 1% because it is good to save and be self-reliant but it is better to spend. Besides, the money from this America will help support the people in the other America.
Gas prices will continue to rise, forcing people to give up their SUVs. This will accomplish what no Surgeon General has been able to do: force Americans to lose weight. As Americans in this America seek to cram themselves into bare-bones smaller cars, they will be galvanized into action to be able to fit their entire bodies into said cars.
Who gets to be in which America? Well, both houses of Congress, lobbyists, and members of the Administration will get to be in the first America--the one with better health care and other perks. Everyone else will be placed in the other America, marching together for the freedom of total self-sufficiency, unfettered by government programs or regulations.
[i]Satire by Ilona Ronay, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| !!! George W. Bush Calls Pat Robertson a Dirty Liar !!! |
| 10.29.04 (7:21 am) [edit] |
"[i]I Warned the Little Jerk[/i]"
The Reverend Pat Robertson, in a CNN interview earlier this week said he warned President George W. Bush that there would be heavy casualties in any war with Iraq but his warning was dismissed by Mr. Bush who assured the 700 Club’s founder that he was “just a stupid little weenie” if he didn’t support the President is his quest for World Domination.
The Bush Administration has responded by calling Reverend Robertson a “dirty little liar” and “a closet Democrat”, hinting that Robertson is secretly working with a Terrorist Organization (The Democratic National Committee).
Mr. Robertson has dismissed those charges saying, “ Look, just because the little jerk didn’t listen to me in the first place, then refused to acknowledge his mistake later on, then called me a liar on top of it all, I still believe God has told me that George Bush would win the upcoming election, or maybe it was Kerry, I can’t remember exactly.”
God, speaking on the condition that He was gonna put the Smite on anyone who called Him a liar said, “ To be honest, I never actually have ever talked to Robertson, he’s always been a bit full of himself and I can’t stand that, but I gotta tell ya, he was spot on in his assessment of the Iraq thing. Of course, anyone with one iota of brains should have been able to see what was gonna happen if that little wacko Bush went in there (Iraq) without any plan. As for the election, I actually think I’m leaning towards Kerry, but for now tick me into the undecided category...it’s more fun that way. Makes it a real Cliffhanger, ya know?”
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “ We’re quite a bit pissed off at both Pat Robertson and God for their statements. However, I’m happy to announce that Saint Peter has come out strongly in our favor as well as most of the Heavenly Choir. Of course the support of non-voting Angels isn’t gonna put George Bush back in the White House; voter fraud will take care of that little problem, thank you very much.”
[i]Satire by Chuck Terzella, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| !!! Bush retires from race -- announces intention to become King of Hawai'i !!! |
| 10.29.04 (7:18 am) [edit] |
[b]Crawford, TX: Tuesday (Rooters)[/b] In a shock announcement today, Republican Presidential contender George W. Bush announced his withdrawal from the election, leaving the Presidency effectively to John Kerry, the Democratic candidate. A Bush campaign spokesman explained that Bush would seek the independence of Hawai'i from the United States, and his coronation as King of Hawai'i in January next year. Failing a successful accession to the Hawai'ian throne, Mr. Bush would reportedly be content to rule over "any small Pacific island*.
[i]George W. Bush (left) could become King of Hawai'i if his plans come true[/i]
"We feel that becoming King of Hawai'i would be more appropriate to Mr. Bush's talents and disposition than the Presidency of the United States," explained Taykett Leiker-Mann, campaign strategist and spokesman at a press conference. "After all, kings don't have to spend all their time campaigning and soliciting soft money donations from oil companies. They can have absolute power -- executing people on a whim, with no tedious liberal lawyers to complain about infringements of personal rights. And it's a perfect opportunity for Mr. and Mrs. Bush to spend their time relaxing, away from the First Twins -- since they're not children any more, then we can safely say that No Child has been Left Behind."
When asked about the possible reaction of the Hawai'ians to a future rule by George Bush, Leiker-Mann claimed that "the Hawai'ian people will achieve sovereignty and freedom by coming under Mr. Bush's absolute rule. And maybe even democracy, if they prove themselves worthy of the honor in the next twenty years. But Mr. Bush has no wish to force himself on the people of Hawai'i. If a referendum reveals that more than 95% of the Hawai'ian people are against his becoming King to the extent of joining an insurgency, he will be happy to accept the throne of any small Pacific island with a good climate."
[b]Hawai'ians' comments[/b]
Governor of Hawai'i Linda Lingle commmented, "We have absolutely no wish to see George W. Bush in these islands, whether as King, or as anything else. If he doesn't want to be President, he can simply resign and take up a more honest profession, such as a piano player in a whorehouse."
Hawai'ian ex-sumo wrestler Chad Rowan who used to fight under the name of Akebono, commented, "If he wants to be King, George Bush is going to have to take me on in the ring. The road to the throne leads through me."
John Kerry was not available for comment.
[i]Satire by hughster, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| !!! Kerry Elected In A Landslide! ... and Bush Immediately Declares Martial Law !!! |
| 10.29.04 (7:13 am) [edit] |
[b]Bush Immediately Declares Victory...and Martial Law!
Dateline: Washington, DC; November 2, 2004[/b]
John F. Kerry was elected president today in both a popular and electoral landslide, gathering nearly 60 million votes. The Democratic Party also regained control of the Senate and nearly captured the House as well. In speaking to throngs of well wishers gathered on Boston Common, the president-elect remarked, “Today signals that a new day has dawned in America. A new day where hope and peace has vanquished fear and war!”
[i]Kerry Campaign Bus Burns[/i]
Meanwhile, in Washington, President Bush responded to the Democratic tidal wave by immediately declaring victory…as well as martial law and a curfew…and ordering National Guard troops into the streets of America’s cities.
“My advisors tell me that I’ve been re-elected. It was hard work, but I’ve defeated my opponent.” With a crooked grin, the president then flashed a thumbs up sign before stating, “Mission Accomplished.” Through Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, he also issued orders for troops to shoot all demonstrators and Democratic Party supporters on sight. “This terrorist cabal…Kerry, Edwards, Kennedy, and all the rest…can’t be allowed to disrupt our unique system of democracy!”
When asked how the American people would react to a coup d’etat by a defeated president, Secretary Rumsfeld snarled, “They’ll just have to get over it. Sniveling pansies…just wait until we start up the draft again…we’ll see how all the mammas boys out there like that! Bunch of long haired, hippy junkies…just wait until they’re all in the Army!”
Vice President Cheney, commenting on the ensuing chaos from an undisclosed location—widely reported to be deep within Cheyenne Mountain outside Colorado Springs—was even more blunt, “Who do they think they’re dealing with here? I’ll show them who the biggest Dick in DC is! If five heart attacks couldn’t stop me, you think something as trivial as an election will?”
In discussing the potential ramifications of a defeated president refusing to concede defeat, many network news commentators were surprisingly sympathetic to Mr. Bush’s plight. Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, remarked, “We’ll what’s the president supposed to do? Just leave office because he got 10 million less votes than Kerry on Election Day. What kind of message would that send to the terrorists? America’s weak…that’s what it would say!”
On CNN, meanwhile, political commentators Tucker Carlson and Robert Novak quickly shrugged off the long term effects of the coup on democracy in America. “Well, the Republicans spent how much…$500 million this election cycle…you just can’t call it quits and go home after spending that much! What would that say to the 29 percent of Americans who actually voted for the president?” Novak asked rhetorically.
Disputed President-Elect Kerry was thought to be hiding somewhere in New York City as dawn broke over the deeply divided nation. According to Democratic Party Chairman-in-Exile Terry McAuliffe, Kerry would appeal to the UN for an emergency meeting of the Security Council to air his grievances against President Bush.
In other news, the headquarters of the New York Times, the Washington Post, and dozens of other newspapers were ransacked and burned by jubilant GOP supporters wearing attractive brown shirts, arm bands and jackboots.
[i]Satire by ruthless, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ...... President Bush Rallies Youth of America ...... |
| 10.28.04 (8:22 am) [edit] |
Strongly Defends Record: “I’m Surrounded by Fools and Incompetence!”
Cleveland, Ohio: With his election campaign winding down and his poll numbers sliding precipitously, President George W. Bush took his case directly to tens of thousands of the party faithful late last evening.
[i]The President Waves to the Crowd[/i]
After landing Marine One in a darkened baseball stadium, the president mounted a stage illuminated only by thousands of torches held aloft by members of the GOP Youth. Bush then mesmerized the crowd with his strong oratory. “The enemies of America are all around us…scurrying like rats in the darkness! They must be rooted out at all costs and eliminated!”
The president went on to describe his plans for the ongoing war in Iraq, “Your sons and daughters will be called upon to sacrifice everything for the Homeland. From their blood will spring new hope for a new tomorrow…a tomorrow where God-fearing Americans will be masters of all before them. No sacrifice will be too great for us to achieve our final victory. We must never forget that our crusade is just!”
Standing behind the president were members of his inner circle looking on rapturously and applauding wildly. They included Vice President Dick Cheney, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and his deputy Paul Wolfowitz, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, and White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.
Addressing the many setbacks the country has experienced during the seemingly endless War on Terror, the president stated, “The enemies of freedom would have you believe that I’ve made mistakes, but they’re wrong…absolutely wrong!”
Pounding his fist on the lectern, the leader of the free world continued, “I tell you that a traitorous cabal of officers and soldiers within our own military are defeatists. Only when they are rooted out will we attain complete and total mastery of the battlefield!”
The president concluded by calling upon all in attendance to pray for the thousands already killed in the war as well as the tens of thousands of others likely to die in the years ahead!
Afterwards, while speaking to reporters, Scott McClellan remarked, "I believe it's clear to all patriotic Americans that we must stay the course laid out for us by our leader. Now is not the time to falter. Our cause is just...our mission divine."
[i]Satire by ruthless, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ....... ALL-AMERICAN BOOB ....... |
| 10.28.04 (8:12 am) [edit] |
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| ...... BUSH ADMITS LIP-SYNCHING TO TAPE OF CHENEY ...... |
| 10.28.04 (8:11 am) [edit] |
[b][i]Acid Reflux Blamed [/i][/b]
President George W. Bush revealed today that he suffers from a sore throat brought on by acid reflux disease and that for the past four years he has extensively lip-synched to vocal tracks furnished by Vice President Dick Cheney.
Mr. Bush was forced to make the admission after an embarrassing incident at a campaign rally in Ohio, during which Mr. Cheney’s disembodied voice came booming through the public address system while Mr. Bush was busy kissing a baby.
After a stunned silence fell over the audience, Mr. Bush revealed his medical condition and said that he frequently had Mr. Cheney’s voice piped in through a bulge in the back of his jacket.
The president added that although acid reflux disease was a serious illness, he was not in favor of using stem cell research to find a cure for it.
After the rally, Bush strategist Karl Rove downplayed the use of lip-synching as “something all politicians do,” adding, “Ninety percent of the time, John Kerry’s lip-synching to Teresa.”
But campaigning in Florida, Mr. Kerry vigorously denied lip-synching to his wife’s voice, telling Mr. Rove to “stick it where the moon don’t shine” in English, Spanish, French, Italian, and Portuguese.
In other campaign news, President Bush said that the U.S. was doing everything in its power to locate 380 tons of missing explosives in Iraq, adding, “We are checking eBay every day.”
Elsewhere, Barb and Jenna Bush hit the campaign trail today to make an impassioned pitch for their pet issue, the importation of cheap beer from Canada.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| HEY DUMMY, ANY QUESTIONS??? |
| 10.27.04 (8:01 am) [edit] |
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| CHENEY BLAMES KERRY FOR ‘GIGLI’: Warns of Sequel if Democrat is Elected! |
| 10.27.04 (8:00 am) [edit] |
Vice president Dick Cheney today blamed Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry for the box-office bomb “Gigli,” warning that a sequel to the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez turkey might be released if Sen. Kerry is elected.
Mr. Cheney has crisscrossed the country in recent days warning that a Kerry victory might bring increases in domestic terrorism and national security catastrophes, but the “Gigli” charges represent a new ferocity in Mr. Cheney’s partisan attacks.
Speaking before a crowd in Davenport, Iowa, Mr. Cheney said, “In all of his public statements, Sen. Kerry has yet to identify ‘Gigli’ as one of the worst films of all time, leading one to conclude that he wouldn’t mind at all if there was a sequel.”
Drawing a sharp contrast with Mr. Kerry, the vice president said that the Bush White House was “working overtime to make sure that another ‘Gigli’ does not happen.”
Mr. Cheney’s words seem designed to win over voters in the so-called battleground states, many of whom are still reeling from the release of the 2003 stinker.
But Mr. Kerry, on the campaign trail in Pennsylvania, was quick to fire back at Mr. Cheney, telling his audience, “‘Gigli’ happened on his watch.”
Mr. Kerry continued on the attack, saying that not only did the Bush administration fail to prevent “Gigli,” but they also “must take some responsibility for the career of Justin Timberlake and that show with Jim Belushi.”
Elsewhere, President Bush said today he was "furious" that Iraqis looted 350 tons of explosives since the looting of Iraq was supposed to be handled by Halliburton.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| JOHN KERRY IS HEAD-AND-SHOULDERS ABOVE GEORGE BUSH!!! |
| 10.27.04 (7:56 am) [edit] |
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| GOP “Don’t Get Out The Vote” Campaign In Full Swing ... |
| 10.26.04 (7:15 am) [edit] |
[b]Cleveland, Ohio:[/b] The Republican Party announced that its “Don’t Get Out The Vote” campaign is being met with widespread success in key battleground states, including Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida.
[i]Republican Campaign Volunteers Outside a Nursing Home[/i]
GOP spokesman, Dick Hertz, remarked, “In Ohio, for example, our teenage volunteers have been very successful in persuading elderly voters to stay home. Remember, this is for their own good. After all, they might fall down and break their hips…and pay more for medical costs because of trial lawyers like John Kerry and John Edwards.”
When asked if reports indicating that some teenage GOP “volunteers” have reportedly slashed the tires of cars owned by the elderly, beat them with their own canes, robbed their purses, and stole batteries from their hearing aids and pacemakers, Hertz responded, “Well, some of these elderly folks have actually become abusive. They don’t understand that we’re only trying to keep them safely at home. After all, if they go out, they might get the flu…and die…because lawyers like John Kerry and John Edwards have raised litigation costs for good patriotic American pharmaceutical companies.”
Hertz also denied reports from Pennsylvania that Republican volunteers allegedly fed thousands of Democratic ballots into a wood chipper. “That’s simply not true. Our campaign workers were simply trying to clean up a vacant lot. We had no idea those garbage bags contained registration forms.” In an indignant tone, Hertz added, “We were simply trying to improve the environment…unlike trial lawyers like John Kerry and John Edwards who work against the environment by blocking clean fuel technologies like nuclear and coal.”
The GOP spokesman also commented on reports of federal immigration agents arresting minorities waiting to vote in heavily Democratic Dade County, Florida.
“These officers are only doing their patriotic duty. These people might be criminals…or terrorists. They might be trying to influence our electoral process and throw our government into chaos. And I’m sure that’s what trial lawyers like John Kerry and John Edwards would like!”
In other election news, John Kerry also denied reports that he frequently beats both his wife and his dog, takes candy from small children, and sucks the lifeblood from virgins.
[i]Satire by ruthless, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Bush Announces Gay Tax-Exempt Status In Return For Gay Marriage Ban |
| 10.26.04 (7:12 am) [edit] |
[b]WASHINGTON[/b] – President Bush announced yesterday that he would not support gay marriage, but that he had signed a bill exempting all gays and lesbians from all future income taxes and Social Security payments. This bill will become law only if Bush is elected to a second term.
[i]Bush admitted that Clinique's Liberty Red was his favorite lip gloss[/i].
"Homosexuals can't marry like normal people do but they are taxpayers, and some of them even support my bid for re-election," Bush announced on a campaign stop in Hateville, Ohio. "It's only fair to exempt all homosexuals from paying taxes to a country that hates their guts; if we won't allow them to partner up, have children, receive health benefits and such, we owe them a little something in return."
Political analysts speculated that this move by President Bush is a heavy-handed attempt to court the gay vote. The recent census figures show that homosexuals make up approximately 17.5 percent of America's population, and alienating that many voters could lose Bush the election.
However, President Bush had cause this morning to regret he made such a sweeping tax-exempt promise in exchange for a constitutional amendment gay marriage ban. In a surprising report, sources from the Internal Revenue Service stated that their email servers crashed late yesterday, and their phone lines continue to be jammed from millions of U. S. citizens contacting them to "declare their true lifestyles."
"All of the emails basically say the same thing," IRS agent Tim Vikelson told reporters. "They show a name, a Social Security number, and a short message that reads "I'm gay, don't have to pay.'"
The IRS reports that, so far, the census figures on gay partnerships in the United States may have been grossly underreported.
There are whole families that's gay, from little babies to really old folks," ," Vikelson said. "If the volume of calls and emails keeps up at the pace they're going now, I'm afraid that roughly 93% of the United States taxpayer base will evaporate."
Vikelson, who added that he "never knew the majority of Americans were gay," speculated that perhaps the gay marriage ban is not such a good idea after all.
"The entire tax burden of the United States may end up resting on only five to seven percent of its population," said a stunned Vikelson. "What could our President have been thinking?"
"By the way, I'm gay," said Vikelson. "I came out yesterday afternoon."
The wealthy Bush, who recently approved a new bisexual campaign slogan "I like Bush and I like Dick" told supporters that he would not back down from his gay tax-exempt decision.
Billionaire Democratic candidate, John Kerry, who came out of the closet along with the entire Southern Baptist Convention while speaking with them about the Bush gay marriage ban tax-exempt promise, told a cheering crowd "Vote for Bush! This is the best tax break idea any president could ever have!"
[i]Satire by EJ Moore, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ...... WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! ....... |
| 10.26.04 (7:06 am) [edit] |
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| ........ 'The End is Nigh’ say Rumpologists ....... |
| 10.21.04 (12:11 pm) [edit] |
George W Bush will narrowly win a second term in office – that’s the message in the President’s posterior.
[i]The President relaxes with a game of tennis[/i].
The International Rally of Rumpologists, held recently in the Delmer Hotel, Dublin, was told that a small crease beneath the left buttock of the President was sign enough that his Republican tooshie would be staying put in the White House.
The art of rumpology – divining the future from the tell-tale signs in an individual’s caboose – has had its believers since Egyptian times, though modern science remains sceptical of these sit-upon studies.
Dublin’s keister convention brought together the world’s foremost patoot practitioners and the outcome of the 2004 election was just one of the many startling rear revelations made over the three-day event.
Professor Conrad Melvin, who brought rumpology into the headlines as Roseanne Barr’s traumatised personal consultant, headed a three-man team examining every swing, sashay, stalk, step, strut and swagger of the two candidates during the campaign. And the findings show Senator John Kerry could be letting his rival wriggle away.
“The senator’s body posture and rear curvature indicate that this is not his time, “ said the Professor, “while that distinctive crease on the President indicates yet another narrow victory.”
That conclusion, he added, also had an impact on many millions of ordinary people with the study showing an unnatural volume of buttock clenching both in America and abroad over what the years ahead might bring.
However, politics wasn’t the only subject laid bare by the botty brigade.
Actress Jennifer Lopez’s rumpologist, Francois Pegerka, predicted much happiness for the stunning star though he doubted it would be as great as the privilege he felt in his daily analysis of her bountiful bombosity.
Singer Beyonce’s future looked equally bright, according to her personal consultant, Sigmund Rukowsky. He gave a highly insightful talk on his demanding work as a celebrity rumpologist, having previously worked for Kylie Minogue's demanding keel prior to its much-publicised retirement.
The address was well received by the gathering, which obviously felt a great deal of compassion for the speaker’s onset of blindness.
Even the world of sport has taken heed of the heinie horoscopes. Tennis ace Serena Williams actually had her own personal rumpologist with her during the US Open whose duty it was to predict the scores every time she changed ends.
[i]Satire by Harry Porter, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| KERRY RIPPED BY SWIFT BOAT LESBIANS FOR TRUTH |
| 10.21.04 (12:05 pm) [edit] |
[b]Gay Daughters of Boat Vets Unleash Attack Ads [/b]
Negative ads blasting Democratic nominee Sen. John Kerry hit the airwaves today in a campaign financed by a group calling itself Swift Boat Lesbians for Truth.
The group, composed entirely of gay daughters of swift boat veterans, appears to be attempting to drive a wedge between Mr. Kerry and a traditionally Democratic voting bloc, the so-called "NASCAR Dykes."
In the ads, the swift boat lesbians angrily denounce Mr. Kerry for bringing up Vice President Dick Cheney’s gay daughter Mary in the third and final presidential debate.
“With America under attack by both Iraq and France, the last thing we needed was for John Kerry to out Mary Cheney,” says one of the swift boat lesbians. “By talking about Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, John Kerry has made our country less safe.”
Perhaps feeling the heat, Mr. Kerry today shifted his position on Ms. Cheney slightly, telling an audience in Wisconsin that he believed the vice president’s daughter was bisexual.
But the swift boat lesbians immediately fired back with a new attack ad, charging, “When it comes to Mary Cheney, John Kerry wants to have it both ways.”
Meanwhile, on the campaign trail, President Bush blasted Army reservists who refused to carry out a convoy supply mission in Iraq last week, saying, “What do they think this is, the Alabama National Guard?”
Elsewhere, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader said today that he is in the race to stay and challenged President Bush and Sen. Kerry to a televised debate on the Sci-Fi Channel.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| John Kerry Holds Slim Lead over George W. Bush in 49 States |
| 10.20.04 (1:19 pm) [edit] |
The latest polls show that John F. Kerry holds a teeny weenie, slight, barely measurable, 95.5% to 3.2% lead over George W. Bush.
[i]The President Reacts to the Latest Polls[/i]
According to polls taken in recent days by the three major networks, the Associated Press, Time and Newsweek magazines, the senator from Massachusetts has what many consider to be a statistically insignificant 92.3% lead over the president. However, infinitely more reliable Gallup and Fox News polls still show the president holding a commanding 45.1% to 44.9% lead (with a 5% margin of error).
According to the pollsters, who interviewed nearly 100 million people over the weekend, Kerry has the strong support of Democrats, moderate Republicans, Independents, the handicapped, seniors, teens, college graduates, labor unions, veterans, housewives, working women, professionals, and those attempting to enter the country inside shipping containers from Asia.
The president, on the other hand, enjoys rock solid support from survivalists in Idaho, NRA members, fundamentalist Christian Rapturists, gay bashers, Ralph Nader, Senator John McCain, and most of the state of Texas.
According to Ben Dover, a spokesman for the Gallup organization, the president’s poll numbers are likely to rebound strongly as Election Day nears. “We believe that the president’s numbers are actually stronger than some other polls might otherwise suggest.” He then described Gallup’s scientific polling methodology, “First, we apply a “smoothing factor,” by not counting half the people who said they will vote for John Kerry, while simultaneously multiplying everyone who said they would vote for President Bush by a factor of 10. Then, when we have those numbers, we again double Bush’s number, while dividing Kerry’s in half. And finally, we flip a coin.”
When asked if this equation tended to favorably skew Bush’s support, while also discounting Kerry’s, Dover remarked, “Absolutely not! We just know that the president can’t possibly lose in the type of landslide our raw numbers would otherwise be indicating. It’s just not possible! Therefore, we always need to “smooth” out our numbers to account for a range of complicated polling issues that might not otherwise be represented in the raw sampling, such as sexual favors and death threats.”
When asked how Fox News tabulated its findings, the head of the network’s polling unit remarked, “We called Karl Rove…and he said that the president was leading by a commanding margin. So we used his numbers. Why would he lie? I mean, he’s the White House Chief of Staff for God sake!”
In other news, early voting was disrupted in several states, including Florida, on Monday as a deadly strain of flu swept through the southeast. Many elderly actually keeled over in the parking lots of pharmacies while waiting in vain for vaccinations that were simply not available. At times, the scene got ugly.
“This is Bush’s fault. Just wait ‘till I vote…I’ll kick his useless ass back to Texas where it belongs,” remarked Mrs. Thelma Partridge. “Look at my poor husband. He’s 95 years old, has one long, one kidney, and is blind as a bat. And they say he’s not a priority! What kind of circus are we running in this country?”
Another woman, who asked to remain anonymous, remarked, “Good God, it’s 100 degrees out here. And they’re treating us like animals. Compassionate Conservatives my ass! I’ll show that monkey-faced idiot in Washington what I think of him!”
When asked if he thought the unprecedented lack of flu vaccine would work against the president’s re-election, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, remarked, “Not at all. I think seniors know the importance the president places on their votes. Just because we’re 50 million shots short, doesn’t indicate any lack of leadership or mistakes made at the top.” When pressed, McClellan, snapped, “Hey, it’s not like people are going to die over this!”
[i]Satire by ruthless, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| POLL: AMERICANS EVENLY DIVIDED OVER WHICH POLL THEY BELIEVE |
| 10.20.04 (1:08 pm) [edit] |
[b]Gallup, Zogby in Statistical Dead Heat [/b]
Americans are evenly divided over which presidential election poll they believe, with the Gallup poll and the Zogby poll drawing roughly the same number of likely voters, a new poll of likely voters reveals.
In the poll, taken by the University of Minnesota’s Institute for Public Opinion, 48% said they believed the Gallup poll and 47% trusted Zogby, a statistical dead heat, says Dr. Davis Bevins, who supervised the survey for the Institute.
“With just two weeks to go until the election, neither Gallup nor Zogby has broken out,” Dr. Bevins says. “It is really too close to call.”
Perhaps in response to the ever-tightening race between the rival polling companies, the competition between Gallup and Zogby has grown increasingly nasty in recent days, with both companies airing expensive negative television ads attacking each other.
In one particularly vicious attack ad, Gallup accused Zogby of “flip-flopping” on whether Sen. John Kerry or President Bush was ahead in the race.
But Zogby soon retaliated with an attack ad of its own, accusing Gallup of having a lesbian daughter.
For his part, Dr. Bevins warns that the accuracy of his own poll may be suspect since the voters in the survey were contacted exclusively by phone: “We find that a lot of people are unwilling to answer the phone these days because they’re afraid it might be Bill O’Reilly.”
Elsewhere, election officials in Florida said that they have encountered a new problem with their electronic voting machines and that the time-code “12:00” will not stop blinking on and off.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| BUSH FANTASY VS. REALITY??? ... |
| 10.19.04 (1:05 pm) [edit] |
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| George W. Bush Gets The Flu: Blames John Kerry, Terrorists and his Mom ... |
| 10.19.04 (1:00 pm) [edit] |
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan has confirmed that President George W. Bush has come down with the flu and is blaming John Kerry, International Terrorists and perhaps most surprisingly, his mother Barbara Bush for his illness.
[i]A Key White House Tool (Gas Mask)[/i]
Mr. McClellan said yesterday that the President, “has been a cranky little cowboy for the last three days, coughing, sneezing and pooping uncontrollably. It’s been hard for him to make his political campaign appearances; the Secret Service has had to carry a Porta- Potty around with them and park it next to the President’s podium at every stop. I’ll tell you, sometimes that thing can get pretty rank.”
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “ While the President still believes he was chosen by God to be Commander in Chief and that he’s pretty much incapable of making, or at least remembering any mistakes he’s made, he does sort of regret deciding to not get a flu shot this year. He figured not getting one would kill two birds with one stone... he would look pretty good at the debates and his shot could go to his mom which would make him some brownie points with Babs, but as it turns out neither thing really worked out. Being a multi-millionaire and the wife of an ex-President, Babs already has one of the best Health Care Plans on the planet; she got her flu shot in September. As for the debates, well...”
Publicly, the White House is blaming John Kerry, who they insist was working on behalf of International Terrorists ( the Democratic National Committee) when he infected the President on National Television. Apparently, the White House believes that Mr. Kerry had smeared his fingers with the flu virus before shaking hands with Mr. Bush at the third debate. The DNC figured that at one point or another during the night Mr. Bush would stick his fingers in his mouth or nose before he washed his hands. The fact that the President is now ill seems to bear out that supposition.
Waterhouse, speaking on condition that if George W. Bush loses in November that John Kerry gives him an Unnamed Source job continued, “I hope he gets better soon; the poor little dear keeps running to the john which wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t insist on leaving the door open so he can keep talking to us. Luckily, Homeland Security had given us all gas masks so that’s not too bad; the real problem is that twice so far he’s made me go in and clean the bowl. He really needs to learn to flush.”
[i]Satire by Chuck Terzella, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ...... O’REILLY OUTSOURCES PHONE SEX TO INDIA ...... |
| 10.19.04 (12:53 pm) [edit] |
[b]Heavy Call Volume Cited [/b]
Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly announced today that he has outsourced all of his phone sex activities to India, citing “heavy call volume” as the reason behind the move.
Starting this week, all phone sex normally handled by Mr. O’Reilly will instead originate from a calling center in Bangalore, the television host confirmed.
“There’s a time and a place for everything, and when it comes to phone sex, the time is any time and the place is Bangalore,” Mr. O’Reilly told his television audience.
At the Bangalore calling center, Surjit Khera, 31, was one of many employees undergoing a three-week training program to help him approximate Mr. O’Reilly’s phone-sex technique: “It is very hard to be as sexy as Bill O’Reilly, but I am endeavoring to do so.”
Additionally, an automated “sexbot” will start calling random U.S. phone numbers from Bangalore, using Mr. O’Reilly’s recorded voice to guide the listener through a series of automated prompts.
“Press 1 if you would like to hear how I fast I’ll get a couple of glasses of wine into you,” the sexbot purrs. “Press 2 if you would like to hear about the naughty fun we’ll have in the tub.”
Partially in response to the heavier-than-usual call volume, the Federal Communications Commission announced today that it would establish a new “do not call list” specifically for consumers who are grossed out by the idea of Mr. O’Reilly calling them.
Elsewhere, independent candidate Ralph Nader said today that he was considering dropping out of the presidential race to focus on wrecking Christmas instead.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| Bush Family Electioneering ... |
| 10.18.04 (11:09 am) [edit] |
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| Security in White House ... |
| 10.18.04 (10:56 am) [edit] |
Reporters around the country have been disappearing, not off the face of the earth, but from mainstream television news after asking a single question of President Bush. It began when Tim Russert asked: Since the president is tough on terrorism and strong on security, why hasn't he located the individual in his administration who leaked C.I.A. undercover agent Valerie Plame's name to Bob Novak? Mr. Russert is now meeting the press from Butte, Montana. Following in Tim Russert's footsteps, Chris Mathews asked the same question. He is now covering the Japanese women's volleyball circuit. Feeling confident by his many successes, Matt Lauer raised the same question and now Katie Couric is asking, "Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" Andrea Mitchell also asked the question, however after a two point raise in interest rates by the Federal Reserve, it is rumored that she may soon reappear. Though nearing retirement and with an heir apparent in the wings, Tom Brokaw neglected to ask the president the greatest question of his generation.
[i]"Give us ten more months. Next question?"[/i]
Breaking the Intelligence Identities Protection Act, in this case revealing the name of Valerie Plame, is a felony and treason. Mr. Novak revealed that he had two Administrative sources and Administrative means White House. Since the sources have not been apprehended, two felons are still working in the White House and may further compromise security. Could this truly be a president who is tough on crime, felons, treason, and terrorism?
Sensing that his time had come to speak and raise his voice in question, cerebral, soft spoken Aaron Brown stepped up to the plate, cracking the whip and spoke. Since the question was asked, the morning rooster no longer crows nor does the whip crack.
Felons in the White House? Treason in the White House? Soft on security in the White House? So many questions and so many places from which to report.
Hoping to get back into mainstream news, head of XYZ News broadcasting from Guam, insisted this story failed to ask the hard questions and ordered his reporter not to turn Michael Moore commie or Lou Dobbs outsourcing nuisance, "Go out there and get me what the people really want to know: Does Laura Bush wear a wig and is Teresa Heinz Kerry really allergic to ketchup?"
[i]Satire by K. C. Bell, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| BUSH WINS SECRET FOURTH DEBATE ... Kerry Not Notified of Time, Place ... |
| 10.18.04 (10:46 am) [edit] |
President George W. Bush notched his first debate victory early Sunday morning, winning handily in a fourth presidential debate that was kept secret from his Democratic rival, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass).
The debate, which was held at 2 AM Sunday morning in the basement of the White House and moderated by Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly, was a must-win affair in the eyes of the Bush campaign strategists who planned it.
“We knew that we needed to win at least one debate going into November,” said Bush strategist Karl Rove. “Mission accomplished.”
While aides to Sen. Kerry complained that the debate did not count since Mr. Kerry was kept totally in the dark about its time and place, Mr. Rove said, “They can spin this any way they want, but a win is a win.”
The White House today released a videotape of the president’s triumphal fourth debate, showing Mr. Bush gesturing towards an empty podium with Mr. Kerry nowhere in sight.
“Looks like my opponent didn’t make it today,” a smirking Mr. Bush says on the tape. “I guess he must be back in Massachusetts, busy being a liberal and such.”
Four minutes into the debate, Mr. O’Reilly declares Mr. Bush the winner and abruptly excuses himself, saying, “I’ve got a few phone calls to make.”
Elsewhere, television station owner Sinclair Broadcasting found itself at the center of yet another controversy today after it ordered all of its affiliates to broadcast a film entitled “John Kerry: Portrait of a Serial Killer.”
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| Bush Refuses to Flip-Flop: Lies Instead ... (And Smiles ...) |
| 10.16.04 (11:09 am) [edit] |
[b]At the domestic policy debates in Arizona, John Kerry accused President George Bush of saying that bin Laden was unimportant to him. Bush says that now he thinks that capturing bin Laden is very important, especially where approval polls are concerned.[/b]
[i]Bush smiles after he lies[/i].
President Bush looked the American people in the eyes at the third presidential debate and told them that he never said something he did. Bush denies saying, "I don't know where he is.You know, I just don't spend that much time on him... I truly am not that concerned about him." However, after the debates, CNN showed video of him saying exactly that.
George Bush blames the liberal media for changing the content of the video. CNN said that if the video isn't enough evidence for voter, they can find the quote on the official white house website. George Bush said that CNN should be punished for not checking their sources, becuase Bush had, " deliberately removed part of his quote from the offical transcript."
"Well, you can find some of the quote," said Dick Cheney," we removed half of this incriminating quote from our website for national security reasons. We were very concerned that bin Laden would use it as propoganda."
George W. Bush made it quite clear that it was bin Laden who attacked us. He knows that. Despite this, he has yet to capture the mastermind behind the attacks. "If I capture bin Laden, my approval rating will recover faster than the economy, the war, the schools, and just about everything else," says the President of the United States of America.
Bush asked the crowd if they would, "trust someone who misquoted the president himself and raised taxes 98 times to win the war on terrorism." Both of these statements have been proven to be lies conjured up by the Bush administration.
"I would never lie to the American people about what I said. I do not know what the hell I am saying fifty percent of the time. It is hard to keep track of everything. It's hard."
John Kerry said that the president's head is the only thing that has been hard during the past four years.
[i]Satire by KDAnteater, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| US, Iraq Ink Treaty - Iraq Outsources Prisons to the USA |
| 10.16.04 (11:05 am) [edit] |
[b]Baghdad, Thursday [/b]- Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi and US Ambassador John Negroponte yesterday signed a treaty giving the US the right to extradite Iraqis it deems to be "criminals" and process them through the American justice system, as well as for Iraq to enjoy the use of the American criminal justice system to deport, try and sentence Iraqi criminals. The new treaty is known as the "US-Iraq Freedom Through Incarceration Agreement".
[i]Ambassador Negroponte explains the details of the new "US-Iraq Freedom Through Incarceration Agreement"[/i]
"This marks a historic day for freedom in Iraq," remarked Ambassador Negroponte. "Iraqis can now enjoy the same processes and conditions as citizens of the nation with the largest per capita prison population in the world, and the greatest number of prisoners on the planet [the USA]. We are looking forward to as many Iraqi citizens as possible using these improvements to Iraqi democracy. As an additional benefit, we are creating new American jobs in the penitentiary system."
Prime Minister Allawi added, "We know from the photos taken at Abu Ghraib earlier this year that Americans take a firm hand when it comes to penal administration. Unfortunately, conditions in Iraq are not suitable for me to deal with my enemies in this way, and I am happy to have a strong leader like President Bush to help me in my ambitions."
Cuts both ways...
But all may not be as it seems. Following the signing ceremony, an unofficial press conference was called by one of the Iraqi drafters of the treaty. Speaking under condition of anonymity, he explained a few points which were not mentioned by Negroponte or Allawi.
"If you look, you will see that there are two versions of the document. One in Arabic and one in English, and on both it says that the Arabic version is the official version. We made a few changes to the Arabic version. If you look, you'll see that Iraq has reciprocal rights. So we can now extradite Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Bush and make them stand trial here for crimes against the Iraqi people."
When asked about the legality of extraditing a head of state to stand trial, the spokesman quoted the USA's invasion and kidnapping of General Noriega as a precedent.
Mr. Negroponte was not available for comment on this issue.
[i]Satire by hughster, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| CARTOON: "THE CAKEWALK" |
| 10.15.04 (11:44 am) [edit] |
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| KERRY STEPS UP PRAISE OF CHENEY’S DAUGHTER |
| 10.15.04 (11:32 am) [edit] |
[b]Lauds Lesbian in Key Battleground States [/b]
Building on a theme he established in the third presidential debate, Democratic nominee John Kerry today stepped up his praise of Vice President Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, signaling that he plans to continue to laud Mr. Cheney’s gay offspring every day between now and the election.
With eighteen days to go until November 2, Kerry strategists are huddling to determine which states on the electoral map Mr. Kerry should target for his praise of Mr. Cheney’s lesbian daughter and which he should abandon.
“Ohio, Florida, and West Virginia are all looking very winnable now,” said one Kerry aide. “You can expect John Kerry to visit those states to get the word out that he is very proud of Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter.”
At a town hall-style rally in Tampa yesterday, Mr. Kerry used a question about health care to sound the new theme of his campaign: “Before I answer that question, Randy, let me ask you a question: did you know that Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter? Well, he does, and I think that’s awesome.”
While Mr. Kerry’s plan to extol the vice president’s lesbian daughter in key battleground states may yield big dividends in the days ahead, the aide pointed out that the strategy is not without risk: “There’s an increased chance that Lynne Cheney may murder Senator Kerry between now and Election Day.”
Elsewhere, a $600 million class action suit was filed today on behalf of Americans who claim they have been permanently traumatized by the fear of receiving a phone-sex call from Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| ....... Bush Props Up Social Security, Sells Idaho ....... |
| 10.14.04 (12:33 pm) [edit] |
[b]Boise, ID – In an unprecedented move, the President announced today that he will sell the state of Idaho in order to maintain a financially solvent Social Security. The Sultan of Brunei has signed an Intent to Buy agreement with the US that exchanges the state for an undisclosed amount of money.[/b]
[i]Bush: Sells Idaho, Saves Seniors[/i]
The announcement comes on the heels of a report released yesterday by the Office of Management and Budget stating that Social Security will officially be broke at midnight on December 31, 2004.
The White House announcement revealed that due to a freak accounting error, all of Social Security’s remaining monies, totaling approximately $300 trillion, have been accidentally diverted to fund the ongoing Iraq war effort and to buy matching 2005 Pontiac Sunbirds for the President’s two college-age daughters as surprise graduation presents.
The Social Security Administration’s recently-switched accounting firm of record, Haliburton Partners, LLP admitted to the gross error. James Leftwich, junior accountant for the firm, was terminated this morning. As Leftwich was escorted to his Ford Escort he told this reporter, “My boss gave me a file with the name scratched out last month and said to do my best. I guess I messed up a little. I think they’re being a little harsh if you ask me.”
The announcement drew little interest in the nation’s capital. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan fielded questions from a only handful of reporters, one of whom was only there to interview the newly-appointed White House banquet chef.
“The President feels badly about the whole Social Security debacle. But he felt he can make it right by selling a state. The Sultan of Brunei was looking to acquire some land, we needed to raise some cash. Real estate is all about timing. I guess we were just lucky.” McClellan summed up.
Asked if the sale had anything to do with recent speculation that John Kerry will win the state’s four Electoral College votes in the upcoming election, McClellan answered, “this was NOT politically motivated. The Sultan has just been in the market for a fixer-upper for some time now. He’s got really cool plans to renovate the state. He wants to move a few walls, re-carpet, and add a sun porch with a hot tub.”
When asked if the money could just be returned, McClellan retorted, “Both the girls’ cars have already been driven. They’re only worth a fraction of their value now. Everybody knows new cars depreciate once you drive them off the lot.”
The buying agent for the Sultan of Brunei, Hadji Patel of the Remax realty office in Gubatsa, Brunei could only say that the agreement has been signed by both parties and that the offer has been accepted. Listing agent Roger Shaffer of Boise, ID Shaffer’s Century 21 said that he only could reveal that earnest money in the amount of $500 accompanied the Sultan’s offer.
“All’s I can say is that the Sultan’s check cleared.”
Pending a termite inspection, the sale is expected to close on or about November 24, 2004.
[i]Satire by zooguy, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ....... "How About a Little Tongue, Jenna?" ....... |
| 10.14.04 (12:28 pm) [edit] |
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| BUSH, KERRY ALLOWED TO CARRY WEAPONS IN FINAL DEBATE |
| 10.13.04 (12:14 pm) [edit] |
[b]Potentially Fatal Showdown in Tempe [/b]
As President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry prepare for their final debate tonight in Tempe, Arizona, the Debate Steering Committee has rewritten the ground rules for the televised showdown, allowing both men to carry concealed weapons with them onstage.
“We’ve heard the criticism that the debates have been too choreographed and controlled,” said Jean Stovall, a spokesperson for the committee. “Hopefully, the promise that gunfire could break out at any moment will go a long way toward changing that perception.”
Although the national television ratings for the second debate slid precipitously from the first one, Ms. Stovall denied that the introduction of concealed weapons is designed to “goose” the ratings of the third installment.
“This is all about giving two men who despise each other very, very much the means by which they can slay each other,” Ms. Stovall said. “If that results in higher ratings, well, that’s just gravy.”
Both candidates took time out of their busy campaign schedules today to select weapons to carry onstage with them in the third debate, Mr. Bush choosing a Smith and Wesson six-shooter and Mr. Kerry opting for a combat knife from his tour of duty in Vietnam.
“I expect a lively discussion of the issues tomorrow night,” said Mr. Kerry, brandishing the gleaming six-inch blade for reporters. “But if that bastard gets up in my grille, I’m going to cut him.”
In other campaign news, President Bush toured areas devastated by Hurricane Ivan, and Sen. Kerry toured areas devastated by President Bush.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| ...... Bush Burns Ear -- Pebble or Prompter at Fault? ...... |
| 10.12.04 (4:34 pm) [edit] |
President Bush suffered second-degree burns to the inner ear yesterday, prior to a rehearsal for his upcoming debate with Senator Kerry, the Democratic challenger in next month's Presidential elections and immediately sparked a controversy as to the cause of the incident.
[i]President Bush adjusts the fit of his in-ear prompter, similar to the one alleged to have exploded yesterday, at a press conference earlier this year.[/i]
White House Press Secretary Scott McLennan, speaking to the White House press corps, explained that "while the President was riding his mountain bicycle last month in Texas, a pebble flew up and lodged itself in his ear, unknown to President Bush. Yesterday, it was determined that the pebble was still present, and was causing memory loss, an inability to deal with reality, aphasia [the inability to pronounce words properly, and to use language correctly] and sustained rapid blinking." Undeterred by the guffaws erupting from the foreign press section, McClennan continued with his explanation. "The decision was therefore made to extract the pebble using a prototype of the Strategic Missile Defense laser system. However, the pebble exploded when exposed to the laser beam, thereby inflicting severe burns on the President's inner ear. Nonetheless, exhibiting the strength and single-mindedness that have characterized this Administration, the President will take part in tomorrow's debate, as planned." At this point, Mr. McClennan's words became difficult to understand over the massed laughter of the reporters in the White House Press Room. Visibly annoyed at the reaction, Mr. McClennan struggled to retain his composure as he stood at the lectern for further questions.
When taxed by the BBC correspondent with the charge that there had been a malfunction in a secret earpiece worn by the president, which had allowed him in the first debate to repeat on stage the words secretly fed to him by his staff members, but was not permitted under the rules of the debate, McClennan swiftly riposted "Nonsense," before making strange swatting motions towards his own ear, as if batting away an invisible insect. "Let me finish," he added, in an eerie echo of the President's own words in the first debate, even though no-one was talking at the time. "The President's in-ear prompter is the finest in all-American technology, and would never malfunction in the way suggested." When it was pointed out that this implied that Mr. Bush had indeed used an illegal earpiece, McClennan swept off the podium with a curt "No comment".
When questioned about the contents of the press briefing, Senator Kerry's campaign spokesman replied. "I'm not surprised. We've seen this president cheat on everything, including the lives of tens of thousands of people in Iraq and Afghanistan. But I think it might only be fair to Mr. Bush to warn him that if he tries to cheat in this way in further debates, we have some very interesting technology ready for the next debates that may come as a further shock to him."
[i]Satire by hughster, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ...... ELECTION CANCELLED; FOCUS GROUP IN OHIO TO PICK PRESIDENT ...... |
| 10.11.04 (12:36 pm) [edit] |
[b]Bush, Kerry Tailor Messages to Nine Voters [/b]
With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the Federal Election Commission stunned the political world today by announcing that the election would be cancelled and that a focus group of nine voters in Ohio would pick the nation’s next president instead.
The focus group, consisting of four men and five women, are expected to convene every day between now and Nov. 2 with electrodes glued to key regions of their bodies to measure their every response to President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry.
While reaction to the FEC’s move was mixed, one election official in Florida praised the decision to cancel the vote: “This is kind of a relief, because we tested our new electronic voting machines last week and none of them really worked.”
Moments after the FEC’s announcement, the two candidates pulled their political ads from every state but Ohio and started tailoring their messages to appeal to the nine all-important focus group members.
At a rally outside the building where the focus group is housed, Sen. Kerry said, “President Bush’s policies have helped Halliburton, but they have not helped Janie Darlington of 3562 Glenridge Road.”
While the FEC’s decision to place so much power in the hands of a focus group is undeniably controversial, one FEC official argued that it is not without precedent: “After all, nine people decided the 2000 election, too.”
Elsewhere, Bush strategist Karl Rove hailed the president’s performance in the second debate, giving credit to improved radio reception by the bulge in the back of his jacket.
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| ... I'll Send Warmongers A'W'OL Bush & "Halliburton" Cheney to Iraq!!! |
| 10.08.04 (1:01 pm) [edit] |
[b]TvNewsLIES.org Editor’s Offer to George Bush & PNAC: I’ll Pay for Your Vacation in Iraq or Afghanistan![/b]
Mr. Bush,
I have heard you, your administration, members of Congress and your PR firm known as the American news media http://www.tvnewslies.org/htm... , repeat over and over how much better off the world is with Saddam Hussein deposed. I have however, yet to hear any detailed explanation or see any evidence that validates this claim.
Prior to your decision to obliterate a sovereign nation and deliver the equivalent of 10 September 11th events to the people of Iraq, the people if Iraq were not afraid to walk the streets, go to work or send their children to school. Your actions, which have resulted in the murder of thousands more civilians than all the terrorists in history combined have been capable, has made life in Iraq a living hell.
Peace workers, international aid organizations, visiting relatives and the typical Iraqi school child were relatively safe to live their lives. As a result of your invasion they are not. Iraq was not a free society by any means, and there were many atrocities committed by Saddam, but let’s not forget that we did not invade Iraq to free anyone, we invaded Iraq to “protect our freedom!” (Perhaps the funniest claim of the decade!)
As a citizen, I am fed up with you and your cabal making claims that you do not back up. I am offering you a chance to back up your own words. Here is my offer: Continued http://www.tvnewslies.org/htm... ...
[b]A MUST-READ:[/b] http://www.tvnewslies.org/htm... ...
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| Cheneys To Divorce; Lynne Admits to "Freedom-Kissing" Democrat |
| 10.07.04 (1:44 pm) [edit] |
[i][b]"I Can't Live With A Woman Who Has Kissed a Democrat"[/b][/i]
Washington, DC--In a stunning turn of events shortly before the one and only Vice-Presidential debate, Dick and Lynne Cheney have confirmed that they will be filing for divorce because Lynne once "freedom-kissed" a boy in high school who grew up to be a Democrat.
"He's not a politician. He's not rich. He's just an ordinary guy living in Wyoming whom she kissed a few times at a party," admitted a close friend of the Cheney family who refused to be named. "But he is a registered Democrat, and Dick is totally repulsed by this revelation."
Reports indicate that as soon as Cheney found out, he moved out of the couple's residence and took up temporary quarters in a duck bind.
"It happened at a high-school party," explained another friend. "Even though we lived in Wyoming, we had heard of kissing! I can't say the real words about the kind of kiss it was because of the flap about fried potatoes and the war in Iraq, but let's just say that their mouths were open."
[Note to readers: This friend then ranted and raved about the annoyance of not being able to order fried potatoes easily at fast-food restaurants and said that if anything would convince her to switch her party affiliation from Republican to Democrat, the potato language snafu would be the thing that pushed her over the ideological edge.]
The Cheneys' two daughters are grown, so that custody and child support is not an issue. However, Dick and Lynne will be hammering out issues concerning compassionate conservatism and family values when the two of them meet in the presence of their lawyers.
"This may set a lot of legal precendents," explained one legal expert. "Is Cheney really required to give Lynne any of his money if it goes against his core beliefs and triggers this sort of visceral reaction?"
Lynne Cheney has already agreed to appear on Oprah and reportedly has been receiving a flood of letters wishing her well and giving her dating, clothing, hair, and makeup tips.
Teresa Heinz Kerry expressed sympathy for Lynne and called upon Dick Cheney to rise above petty partisan feelings. "My first husband was a Republican, and my current husband is a Democrat, and I have kissed both of them. It has only made me a better person to have kissed Republicans and Democrats, and I don't understand why Dick can't see things this way."
Elizabeth Edwards agreed, stating,"When I was a graduate student in English, I kissed Repuiblicans, Democrats, Transcendentalists, Modernists, and Donne scholars. What's the big deal?"
Dick Cheney could not be reached for comment.
[i]Satire by Ilona Ronay, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Zogby Poll Admits: We Were Trying To Let Bush Down Easy ... |
| 10.06.04 (12:33 pm) [edit] |
In a press release today Rebecca (Beckaroo) Wittman, Vice President, Managing Editor of Zogby International admitted to manipulating the numbers on certain Zogby presidential polls. Wittman said that full disclosure would be forthcoming and that the reason for the skewed polls was that her boss John Zogby wanted to let his friend, President George W. Bush, down easy from his actual rock bottom numbers.
[i]Manipulating the polls[/i]
We spoke with John (Zogman) Zogby after the press conference and he told us, "I wouldn't say it has been a conspiracy to keep the President uninformed about his all but certain upcoming loss in November. I just knew it would break him, as a man, if he knew the country had turned it's back on him. I couldn't do it!"
It seems that Zogby has been pulling polling strings around the globe since November of last year and keeping the race close on all polling fronts. It wasn't until Billy (FourEyes) Markerson, a 14 year old student and self described computer nerd from Hayouville, Kentucky, did a bit of research polling on his own, when he smelled a rat and helped this conspiracy come to light.
Billy, a huge Zogby fan, made over 10,000 phone calls to a mix of people across the country and found that 99% of the people he spoke with wanted to string up Bush like a cattle-thieving outlaw. Not hardly the 51 -49 split that Zogby had been claiming.
Billy emailed his results to Zogby along with the message, "Dude! What gives? I'm like your biggest fan, but Dude, you're spewin' chunks on these polls! Are you the man or what?"
It seems that Billy's note struck another kind of note with John Zogby. He told us that it was Billy's note that made him realize that he wasn't helping his friend, he was hurting America. That's when he had Rebecca call the press conference and tell the world what a loser GWB is going to be.
When reached for comment, John Kerry would only say, "I knew it! I knew those polls were bullshit!" President Bush has been unavailable for comment. We finally tracked down and confronted Condi Rice, who said, "The President is looking into these awful rumors and wants the American people to know that his campaign is as on track as the war in Iraq is."
In these days of SwiftBoat Veterans, 527's, Dan Rather and unconfirmed documents, it just seems amazing, to this reporter, the heart it mush have taken for John Zogby to spare his good friend from such horrible news. But even more amazing was, that when confronted with the truth, Zogby admitted it, and for the respect of a fan. America at her finest.
[i]Satire by Special Agent Love, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Bush Reads to Schoolchildren, Asked Not to Return ... |
| 10.06.04 (12:28 pm) [edit] |
Crawford, Texas – George W. Bush, when not in Washington, DC, is a volunteer at a local elementary school, in his hometown of Crawford, Texas, reading picture books on science, to young children. But there are some problems.
Mr. Bush, while a very loyal and enthusiastic volunteer reader, has a very apparent language problem. He seems to have a language processing deficit, or perhaps a form of dyslexia, in which he cannot retain the correct pronunciation of words in his mind. There have been many times when teachers have sought to correct him, but backed off when the Secret Service agents told them to, “Let it go, he’s the President.”
“It was necessary for us, (the school’s staff) due in part to his speech problem, and our inability to correct him, that we have asked him not to return,” said the school’s principle, Gwen Henderson. Ms. Henderson also related that teachers were so afraid of his reaction to the dismissal, that they asked his wife Laura, to give him the bad news.
“We have heard that he doesn’t like to be corrected or told what to do, so we were very hesitant to approach him regarding this issue." When questioned about what Mr. Bush was given to read to the students, they said; “Mr. Bush was asked to read the students science picture books, addressing alternative energy sources and the conservation of fossil fuels. These books were geared towards very young children, with large colorful pictures to illustrate the content of the written material.”
“Mr. Bush seemed to stumble over several of the larger words, such as dinosaur, when speaking of fossil fuels and their origins, and totally mispronounced other words, when speaking of alternative energy, such as nuclear and hydroelectric power plants. He completely left out the ‘e’ in electrical and pronounced it as ‘hydrolectrical!”
“We don’t want to be responsible for a generation of children growing up mispronouncing words such as ‘electrical’ or ‘nuclear.’ George W. is not an idiot, but he sounds like one, when he says these words the way he does.”
“Many of the children we teach, have English as a second language. We want them to learn the ‘Kings’ English, as they say, and not the ‘Presidents. This is one fight the ‘English’ must win.”
[i]Satire by Susan Allen-Rosario, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Cheney to Pack "Serious Heat" for Debate with Edwards!!! |
| 10.05.04 (12:55 pm) [edit] |
[b][i]Vice President will be armed with knife, handguns, possibly assault rifle, "just in case[/i]"[/b]
(Washington) Vice President Dick Cheney plans to be "armed to the teeth" during Tuesday’s debate with Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards, report sources close to the Republican campaign.
Mr. Cheney, an avid hunter and ardent supporter of the right of all Americans to carry guns, semi-automatic rifles, and in some cases tactical nuclear weapons, will appear on the debate stage wearing full body armor under a camouflage United States Army uniform, with hand grenades strapped to his chest, a holstered .45 caliber handgun at his side, and a six-inch titanium Ranger knife concealed "in an undisclosed location" somewhere on his person. Ostensibly, his costume is intended to honor U.S. forces stationed in Iraq. In reality, it will give him the option of "kicking major Democratic ass," according to Republican sources.
Political observers who are familiar with Mr. Cheney’s intimidating demeanor at Cabinet meetings believe the Vice President will waste no time attempting to put a damper on Mr. Edwards’s customarily slashing, highly effective debating style. For example, should the Democrat bring up the now-generally acknowledged lack of connection between Saddam Hussein and the September 11 terrorists, Mr. Cheney might unstrap his handgun, snap a fresh shell into the chamber and place the weapon within reach on the podium. A contentious exchange on health care might result in the Vice President’s thrown commando knife quivering in the wall within inches of Mr. Edward’s face. At the mention of Halliburton, "out come the grenades," predicted one observer.
A spokesman for Mr. Edwards said that while the North Carolina native is a friend of the National Rifle Association and an enthusiastic duck hunter, for the debate the candidate plans to carry "nothing heavier than a small caliber revolver in a shoulder holster. Oh, and pepper spray, of course."
Tuesday will hardly be the first time that the Vice President has displayed or used weapons on the campaign trail. Since the Republican convention in August, Mr. Cheney has regularly introduced himself at political appearances by firing off a burst from a battered AK-47—sometimes into the air, sometimes at nearby birds or squirrels. At a rally in Columbus, Ohio in September, Mr. Cheney accidentally wounded a 14-year old female supporter and killed the puppy she was holding. The young Republican declined to press charges, saying, "I guess that’s the price of freedom, and I guess little Skippy [her dog] found out the hard way."
[i]Satire by Barry Burger, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| FIRST SHIPMENT OF NEGATIVE ADS ARRIVES IN AFGHANISTAN |
| 10.05.04 (12:50 pm) [edit] |
[b]Important Step Forward for Fledgling Democracy [/b]
As the days tick down until Afghanistan’s historic democratic election this Saturday, the fledgling democracy took an important step forward today, receiving its first shipment of negative political ads from the U.S.
The commercials, full of lacerating personal attacks and half-truths about Afghan president Hamid Karzai and his opponents, will begin airing across the country as early as tonight.
In one of the ads, approved by a group calling themselves Brutal Afghan Warlords for Truth, a narrator accuses Mr. Karzai of flip-flopping on the issues, a point vividly dramatized by showing his trademark hat switching from one side of his head to the other.
Hailing the arrival of negative ads in Afghanistan, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, “If these ads succeed in turning off half the Afghan population from the idea of voting altogether, Afghanistan will be well on its way to becoming a full-fledged democracy.”
Meanwhile, with just hours remaining until the vice presidential debate between Vice President Dick Cheney and Senator John Edwards, Mr. Edwards today rebuffed a $30 million dollar offer from Mr. Cheney to throw the debate in front of a national television audience.
Sen. Edwards said he was “offended” by the vice president’s offer and would counter it with a $60 million personal injury lawsuit.
In response to Mr. Edwards’ suit, Mr. Cheney told reporters, “The fact that John Edwards refuses to be bought shows that he lacks the experience necessary for this job.”
Elsewhere, scientists who for weeks have waited in vain for Mount St. Helens to erupt today downgraded it from “volcano” to “big pain in the ass.”
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| ....... George W. Bush Wears Earpieces at Debates: Listened to Journey ....... |
| 10.04.04 (12:05 pm) [edit] |
In the middle of an answer last night Bush said, "now let me finish" as if someone was interrupting him- yet nobody did- he was talking to the person in his earpiece. Experts assume that Karl Rove was on the other end of the earpiece, but Bush claims that there was not. If he did have one, that would be illegal.
Bush claims that he was not listening to Karl Rove, but was listening to the soft rock band, Jounrey. He says that their music helps him relax during the debate, and blocks out John Kerry's flip-flops.
"When listening to the [i]Journey[/i] song, [i]Don’t Stop Believin’[/i], I think about the path I am setting for freedom. I think about staying the course while turning the corner. I hope that people remember that I took a journey to Iraq, and that my buddies remember that I took a journey to serve...in a small Alabama bar," said Mr. Bush.
John Kerry said that he could hear Dick Cheney cussing from the very earpice Bush was wearing. George Bush says that is because Dick Cheney recorded a few tracks with the group, and that he plans to tour with them after the elections. The Vice President is expected to be in a secret location at this time, becuase Jounrey concerts are not greatly attended.
Many people would like to know if Bush did listen to Rove during the debate, and if so, how should he be punished?
Even though Jim Lehrer looked through the debate rulebook and found earpieces to be illegal, but Bush has found a loop-hole in the rules. "Even though it says not to wear earpieces, the rules do not mention that it is illegal to be listening to Journey while wearing earpieces."
Bush is not backing down, saying that even if what he did was illegal, he would do it again becuase he would be flip-flopping if he did not wear an earpiece. "During the next debate. I will be listening to William Shatner sing. His musical career is much like my presidency. If his voice sounds like Donald Rumsfeld's, it is just a coincidence."
Even though it has not been confirmed if Bush had some sort of earpiece, what really worries me is if the strings held by the Bush advisors are not cut by the American people, then true freedom will be lost. It is time to show the real Bush, not a figurehead, not a puppet, and expose him for the moron he is.
[i]Satire by KDAnteater, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ....... Clear, Concise Speaking And Facts Shouldn’t Cloud Next Debate ....... |
| 10.04.04 (11:58 am) [edit] |
(Columbus, Ohio) – President Bush today told a group of supporters at a bus stop rally in Ohio, a key state in the upcoming presidential election, that he wasn’t going to allow his challenger’s superior command of the English language and the facts have an undue advantage over the public’s perception of him. The speech came two days after he and John Kerry sparred in a nationally televised debate over Iraq and other pressing foreign policy issues in which Mr. Kerry's command of the English language and the facts gained him an advantage with undecided voters. Most of the viewing audience did also note that although they like Mr. Kerry more now, they're still a little ‘weirded-out’ by his orange-tinted skin.
At the Columbus rally, Mr. Bush, who at times during the debate seemed to be back on his heels while explaining his Iraq policies, had returned to his spunky Texas form once again. Sporting a pair of navy colored flip-flop thongs and a blue tank top with 'Flipper' the famous dolphin to remind his supporters of his challenger’s multiple changes in position on key issues, Mr. Bush took one last shot at senator Kerry's debate performance before moving on to domestic matters. “My opponent is at it again. He’s using his big, Ivy League, billionaire words and the facts in an attempt to confuse you,” he told a cheering crowd outside the Columbus Tasty Freeze. “I won’t confuse you. And I’ll never, ever, ever change my mind on an issue. I’m here to protect each and every one of you. To protect America from all the dangerous threats my opponent would turn a blind eye to because he wants to be popular. That’s the only thing you should focus on.”
According to an anonymous campaign staffer, the Bush camp has filed a formal complaint with both the Kerry campaign and the National Association of Fair Presidential Debates (NAFPD) alleging that Mr. Kerry blatantly violated their pre-debate agreement. “We specifically agreed that the candidates would maintain parity in their speech and stick to a tenth-grade level. The Kerry camp clearly didn’t do that.” The staffer went on to add, “I don’t know where all this ‘fact’ nonsense came from. It’s a presidential debate. What were they thinking?” A request has been made for restitution before the next scheduled debate on October 8th in St. Louis. “You’d think they would have learned from the Gore campaign. If they can’t behave themselves, we may up the ante at the Supreme Court to two swing states this time.”
The Kerry camp was also hot on the campaign trail, with multiple stops in Florida, another key state, and already focusing heavily on attacking Bush’s domestic policies. “His policies are bad. They stink. They’re a failure. He misjudged and misled you on everything. I can stand here today and tell you that because I have the benefit of hindsight, and not having to ever really face the pressure of making that big of a decision, I would have done better,” Kerry said to a small crowd comprised of Florida's Mensa members.
When asked about the Bush campaign’s complaint, a top Kerry aide indicated there would be little impact. “Just wait until the next debate. John has some special twelfth-grade words picked out for this one.”
[i]Satire by rookiewriter, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ...... KERRY MAKES POINTS, BUSH MAKES FACES ...... |
| 10.03.04 (11:14 am) [edit] |
Is the water cooler half empty or half full?
Did Kerry hammer Bush with that "colossal error of judgment" zinger? Or did Bush impress voters by telling 'em 11 times that fighting terror is "hard work"?
Did the president convince even more Americans that we had to invade Iraq because "the enemy attacked us"? Or did Kerry catch Bush pulling his ole "Saddam had to pay for 9/11" trick?
Did Bush wow 'em by repeating his consistent message that Kerry is inconsistent? Or did Kerry shake Bush's steadfast resolve that all he needs to win re-election is steadfast resolve?
As they say in the influential hip-hop demographic, did Flip-Flop get dope slapped or did Kid Kerry rock the mike and make W. his Bee-yush?
These are the questions that spin through our heads as the unpredictable post-debate portion of the debate unfolds before us.
Did the challenger hit a home run?
Did the incumbent lay an egg?
Did Bush's "plainspoken" personality shine through when he said, "I uh ..." then froze for several agonizing seconds? Or did President Six-Pack overcome a subpar oratorical performance by making funny faces at Senator Smarty-Pants?
Did Kerry get under Bush's skin by reminding him that Osama bin Laden, not Saddam Hussein, attacked America on Sept. 11? Or did the president successfully rebut the charge by saying, duh, "Of course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us. I know that"?
Did Kerry score rhetorical points by saying Bush "outsourced" the job of capturing bin Laden to Afghan warlords working for minimum wage? Or was it a low blow to remind Jr. that his daddy was smart enough not to bumble into Iraq with no "exit strategy"?
Did Kerry make headway by suggesting the president's tax cuts for the rich would be better spent making America safer? Or does Bush really expect voters to buy his simplistic response that of course we're safe with him because "That's my job"?
Perhaps the most important questions of all: Will these revealing face-to-face showdowns cause any supporters of this failed president to look back after Nov. 2 and say, "I actually DID vote for George W. Bush, before I voted against him"? Or is it too late to convince those who have been duped by Mr. Bush that he is the wrong president at the wrong place at the wrong time?
[i]Satire by John Breneman, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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