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| ..... LOWERING EXPECTATIONS FOR DEBATE, WHITE HOUSE SAYS BUSH HAS I.Q. OF 67 ..... |
| 09.30.04 (11:32 am) [edit] |
[b]Spokesman Shows Footage of President Tumbling from Bike[/b]
In what some political insiders were calling an attempt to lower expectations in the days leading up to the first presidential debate, the White House today announced that President Bush has an I.Q. of 67.
"The president is far, far less intelligent than is commonly thought," White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters. "Even the simplest tasks remain well beyond his reach."
Reinforcing the impression that the president will be overmatched in Thursday’s debate with Sen. John Kerry, Mr. McClellan showed reporters never-before-seen footage of Mr. Bush oafishly tumbling from his mountain bike.
"What a moron," Mr. McClellan said.
The White House spokesman said that Mr. Bush cannot possibly be expected to do well in a debate with Sen. Kerry, who Mr. McClellan said "has an I.Q. of 193" and "is widely considered the best debater on the planet."
But within minutes of the White House press conference, Kerry spokesman Joe Lockhart fired back, telling reporters, "John Kerry is much stupider than he looks."
As evidence of Mr. Kerry’s idiocy, Mr. Lockhart referred to the floral-patterned windsurfing pants the senator wears while enjoying his favorite water sport.
"His ass looks enormous in those pants," Mr. Lockhart said. "What kind of a moron would leave the house with his ass looking like that?"
Elsewhere, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said today that it was unfair to compare the upcoming Iraqi elections to those held in America, "except for Florida."
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://www.borowitzreport.com...
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| ..... BUSH TO DECLARE WAR ON ENGLISH LANGUAGE ..... |
| 09.30.04 (11:25 am) [edit] |
[b]Native Tongue Would Replace N. Korea in Axis of Evil[/b]
A just-released text of President George W. Bush’s acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention reveals that Mr. Bush intends to announce his boldest initiative to date, declaring war on the English language.
According to the text of the speech, advance copies of which were made available to reporters today, Mr. Bush will give the English language an official slot in the Axis of Evil, replacing North Korea.
While Mr. Bush’s relations with the English language have been hostile in the past, few had expected him to declare war on America’s native tongue.
But according to Republican insiders, an official declaration of war against the English language could give Mr. Bush a decided edge over his Democratic rival, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.), who, unlike the president, speaks English fluently.
“If Kerry starts speaking English during the debates, he could be seen as a traitor,” one Bush strategist said. “On the other hand, there’s practically no danger of the president accidentally slipping into English.”
Political science professor Trevor Bilson of the University of Minnesota said that Mr. Bush’s declaration of war against the English language should not come as a surprise: “Mr. Bush has been conducting a covert campaign against the English language for decades now.”
But Dr. Bilson believes that shifting the nation’s focus from the war on terror to a war on grammar may be Mr. Bush’s shrewdest political move ever.
“The president recently said that he doubts we can win the war on terror,” Dr. Bilson said. “But whenever Mr. Bush does battle with the English language, the English language loses.”
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://politicalhumor.about.c...://www.borowitzreport.com/archive%5Frpt.asp%3Frec=946
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| ..... World Peace Declared: George W. Bush Outraged ..... |
| 09.30.04 (11:21 am) [edit] |
[i]Sure, it sounds great, but....[/i]
In a completely unexpected turn of events World Peace was declared this morning, signaling the end of all violence and murder planet wide. The announcement was made by Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana as he ate breakfast in the Duck Inn Cafe and Bait Shop. It may be remembered that Mr. Hymen was the original author of the World Peace Movement; six months ago, as he was he was reading the paper in Lu Lu’s Lox of Bagels, Mr. Hymen was heard to exclaim, “Jesus Christ on a Crutch, why can we all just learn to get along?”
It was one of those moments that change the course of history, but it began slowly at first.
Mary Ellen Mountjoy, who was sitting near Mr. Hymen responded, “You know Festus, you got yourself a point there. Why are we all fighting everywhere? It’s just gotta stop.” News of the exchange spread and one by one the residents of first Greater Metropolitan Billings, then all of Montana endorsed the movement. By the end of May all of the American Western States were on board and now it finally seems that everyone on the entire planet has signed on.
Well, almost everyone. President George W. Bush has expressed outrage and dismay that World Peace has been declared. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “ Man, when we first heard the news I thought that Bush would have a coronary. He started screaming at the TV ‘What the hell do they mean, Peace? No more wars, no more hatred? That’s crazy! What am I gonna tell the American People? If they think they’re all safe then they won’t need me to protect them! I’m screwed!’. I tried to tell him that he still could point to his accomplishments in the economy, education and the environment but he just started crying.”
Speaking on the condition of even more anonymity Waterhouse continued, “ I gotta admit, I’ve got mixed feelings about this World Peace thing. I mean sure, on the one hand it sounds great...no one gets bombed or shot or anything but think about it; this could ruin the entire fabric of our society. Since 1990 the United States has shipped more than $152 billion dollars in guns, planes, tanks and other weapons around the world. Do you know what kind of hit our economy would take if all that stopped? That’s over $10 billion a year we lose in sales, mostly from companies we in the Administration own stock in. This is really gonna hurt our bottom line.”
[i]Satire by Chuck Terzella, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ....... Top Secret Debate Contract Addendum ....... |
| 09.29.04 (1:06 pm) [edit] |
As most people know by now, President Bush and Senator Kerry have signed on to a 32 page debate http://www.boston.com/news/na... agreement. But few are aware that they also signed a secret addendum to that agreement. Fortunately, MadKane.com has an exclusive copy of that secret addendum, provided by a DC insider whom I will identify only as "Debate Throat."
[b]TOP SECRET ADDENDUM TO ELECTION 2004 DEBATE AGREEMENT[/b], entered into on September 20, 2004 by President George W. Bush (hereinafter referred to as "Bush") and Senator John F. Kerry (hereinafter referred to as "Kerry")
WHEREAS, The interesting thing about being the President is you don't have to explain things;
WHEREAS, If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier; and
WHEREAS, Bush and Kerry have entered into a Debate Agreement and wish to modify it and memorialize certain secret debate terms.
NOW, THEREFORE, Bush and Kerry hereby agree to the following top secret provisions:
1. Kerry shall be required to answer all debate questions in French.
2. Bush shall be required to answer all debate questions in English.
3. Throughout each debate, the backdrop behind Bush shall feature several U.S. flags, the precise number of which is subject to further negotiation.
4. Throughout each debate, the backdrop behind Kerry shall feature a map of Massachusetts and two life-size photos of Kerry with Jane Fonda.
5. During the debates, Kerry shall address Bush as "Mr. President" or, if Kerry so elects, "Monsieur President."
6. During the debates, Bush shall address Kerry as "Senator Kerry" or, if Bush so elects, "Senator Flip-Flop."
7. Bush may, if he so chooses, elevate his torso by sitting on one or more padded telephone books. Alternatively, he may debate atop his mountain bike.
8. Kerry may, at his sole option, fluff up his hair, provided that Kerry's hair elevation shall not exceed 1.2 inches above scalp level.
9. Both Bush and Kerry may, but shall not be required to, wear a hat while debating (hereinafter referred to as "optional head-wear.") Bush's optional head-wear shall be a cowboy hat, and Kerry's optional head-wear shall be a beret.
10. Both Bush and Kerry shall wear business attire during debates one and two. However, during the third debate Bush may, if he so elects, wear a flight jacket, and Kerry may, if he so elects, where whatever garb he wears when he windsurfs.
11. All debate attendees shall be required to sign Bush/Cheney loyalty oaths, including all members of the media, except those employed by Fox.
12. Notwithstanding paragraph 11, Dan Rather shall be excluded from each debate, unless a panel of 6 experts unanimously confirms that his Bush/Cheney loyalty oath is not a forgery.
13. If Bush does not wish to answer any given question, he shall so indicate by saying "I'm glad you asked me that question," at which point the questioner shall thank him for his excellent answer and pose the same question to Kerry.
14. Kerry shall be required to sigh at least three times per debate. Moreover, additional sighs shall be required if any cameraman misses the shot.
15. Bush shall not be asked any question that requires him to pronounce the words nuclear, solidarity and/or Abu Ghraib.
16. In the event Kerry is declared the winner of any debate, Bush shall be entitled to a recount.
SIGNATURES: _______________ (President George W. Bush) _______________ (Senator John F. Kerry)
[i]Satire by Madeleine Begun Kane[/i]: http://politicalhumor.about.c...://www.madkane.com/notable01%5F04b.html%2309%5F22%5F04
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| ....... DEBATE TRANSCRIPT RELEASED ONE DAY EARLY ....... |
| 09.29.04 (12:59 pm) [edit] |
[b]Face-off Overly Choreographed, Critics Charge [/b]
A full transcript of Thursday’s presidential debate between President George W. Bush and Democratic nominee John Kerry was released today, sparking criticism that the debate has been overly choreographed by the committee representing the two major parties.
The transcript, full of pre-planned quips and sound bites from both candidates, is a verbatim reflection of what the actual debate will be on Thursday night, a committee member confirmed.
“We have shared the written transcript with both President Bush and Senator Kerry and warned them to stick to the script,” said Davis Loudon of the Presidential Debate Steering Committee. “If they stray one iota, we’re threatening to turn the heat in the room up to 71 degrees.”
According to the transcript, the debate will begin with opening statements by both candidates, after which Mr. Bush will turn to Mr. Kerry and ask, “Where’s the beef?”
Mr. Kerry, totally prepared for this witticism, will reply by saying, “I’ve got your beef right here,” to which Mr. Bush will reply, “Beef this.”
After Mr. Bush goes on to extol the legacy of Ronald Reagan, Mr. Kerry will respond, “I served in the Senate under Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan was an enemy of mine. President Bush, you’re no Ronald Reagan.”
Jonah Traylor, the Washington correspondent for the Toledo Blade, said that having a written transcript of the debate a day in advance means that he can skip the event altogether: “I might TiVo it, but probably not.”
Elsewhere, after an earthquake in central California failed to cause any serious damage, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called the 5.9 tembler “a girlie quake.”
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://politicalhumor.about.c...://www.borowitzreport.com/
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| ....... Key 2004 Election Dates ....... |
| 09.29.04 (12:55 pm) [edit] |
Monday, November 1: The badly decomposed body of Osama bin Laden is "found."
Tuesday, November 2: Election Day.
Wednesday, November 3: Amid widespread claims of extensive election fraud, nationwide recount begins.
Thursday, November 4: Nationwide Recount Stopped by U.S. Appeals Court.
Monday, November 8: Nationwide recount is allowed to continue by order of U.S. Appeals Court.
Wednesday, November 10: GOP "supporters" in ten swing states simultaneously invade courthouses and burn ballots when recount shows Kerry in lead; police fail to make any arrests.
Thursday, November 11: Democratic supporters urge calm (10,000 arrested and beaten).
Friday, November 12: Supreme Court imposes stay of earlier circuit court ruling...orders recount to stop.
Monday, November 15: Electronic voting machines from several swing states found buried in lot after being crushed by a steamroller; others discovered dumped off Florida coast.
Tuesday, November 16 (morning): Dick Chaney says "Recount is dangerous and gives comfort to our enemies." Calls on Kerry to "Do the Right Thing!"
Tuesday, November 16 (afternoon): John Edwards tells Dick Cheney to "Crawl back into your hole and die!"
Tuesday, November 16 (evening): John Edwards denounced for his "Unpatriotic and disgusting outburst!"
Wednesday, November 17: George W. Bush Says "Iran absolutely uh...positively...without a Shadow of...ah...a doubt, has, I mean...possesses weapons...and they're bad. You know...they're weapons of mass destruction. We're talking mushroom cloud over Disney World...bad...these folks are bad!" He quickly adds that, "Changing horses now would be bad...our enemies...are looking for weakness. You know, they have these weapons..."
Wednesday, November 17: Fox News reports that "High Level Intelligence Sources" say, "Iran Absolutely, Positively, Without a Shadow of a Doubt, Possesses Weapons of Mass Destruction!" Adding that "A leadership change in the U.S. would be fatal."
Wednesday, November 17: NBC News reports that "High Level Intelligence Sources" say, "Iran Absolutely, Positively, Without a Shadow of a Doubt, Possesses Weapons of Mass Destruction!" Adding that "A leadership change in the U.S. would be fatal."
Wednesday, November 17: ABC News reports that "High Level Intelligence Sources" say, "Iran Absolutely, Positively, Without a Shadow of a Doubt, Possesses Weapons of Mass Destruction!" Adding that "A leadership change in the U.S. would be fatal."
Thursday, November 18: David Brooks on the New York Times editorial page claims that "High Level Intelligence Sources" say, "Iran Absolutely, Positively, Without a Shadow of a Doubt, Possesses Weapons of Mass Destruction!" Adding that "A leadership change in the U.S. would be fatal."
Friday, November 19: Colin Powell quits as Secretary of State to "Spend more time with his family."
Monday, November 22: The U.S. Supreme Court, citing national security, bars all further recounts, disregarding evidence of extensive electronic vote rigging and fraud, and ignoring testimony that millions of minorities were harassed and disenfranchised. By a 5-4 vote, they declare George W. Bush the re-elected President of the United States. In a dissenting opinion, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg writes, "SCALIA SUCKS!!!" and burns her panties in protest.
Tuesday, November 23: George W. Bush declares, "The rule of law has...uh...ahh...been...ah....uh...you know, upheld in this...our...great nation."
Monday, November 29: Donald Rumsfeld announces that due to troop shortages, the U.S. military will begin drafting all 18-25 year old males immediately. For the first time in history, no deferments will be granted for National Guard service, family obligations or other hardships.
Tuesday, November 30: INS agents at all Canadian border crossings report a massive upswing of single, male "tourists."
[i]Satire by ruthless, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ...... Kerry’s Preschool Record Questioned by Bush Camp ...... |
| 09.28.04 (7:59 am) [edit] |
Advisors to the Bush campaign revealed today that their new TV spot ads will feature testimony from John Kerry’s preschool teachers, that he lied on his day school application.
“We have evidence that shows Kerry told his teachers that he knew his entire alphabet, when test given later, proved that he did not.” Apparently during an oral exam John recited “LMNOP” as if they were one letter.”
Teachers for the “Tiny Tot’s Day School” also reported that Kerry claimed he had a dog name “Clint” and often spoke to a “friend” he called “Clevis” both turned out to be figments of his imagination. “He lied about both, this evidence seems to show a pattern of misrepresenting the truth that started early on.”
Former classmates from his grade school related other incidents that put his early character into question. “I remember this one time,” an old school chum said, “we both went to the nurses office, and I personally witnessed John, take a thermometer out of his mouth and placed it on a hot light bulb, to make it appear as if his temperature was elevated. They sent him home because it was up to 106 degrees when the nurse checked it.”
Another former member of the same Cub Scout den that John attended said that several of the badges that Kerry received in scouts were obtained under suspicious circumstances. “Every year, we did the annual soap box derby. Each young man was supposed to create his own car without the help of a parent or guardian. John always had the best car and took first-place in the derby. It was pretty clear that his dad helped a little more than he should have.”
The Kerry camp is furious about what they consider, an absolutely ridiculous attempt to discredit Mr. Kerry. “If they want a fight, they are going to get one! What does any of this ‘bull’ have to do with his ability to lead the country? If you want to talk about day school records, let’s take a look at our buddy, Mr. Bush.”
“His attendance record for grade school was deplorable. There is some question as to whether or not he even attended preschool. We have asked for copies of his records and they have somehow disappeared. No one remembers him going there. The only school records we have been able to obtain start at about the 3rd grade and according to them, he was a poor student that failed to color inside the lines and had trouble following simple directions. There was also an incident in the 6th grade, where George W. was sent to the principle’s office after he decked a kid that called him ‘Shrub’.”
“We believe this shows that Mr. Bush has always been a bully, and prone to violent attacks. So in the words of George himself, if they want a fight, “Bring it on.”
[i]Satire by Susan Allen-Rosario, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ... Ooopppsss ... BUSH: SADDAM BOUGHT GERANIUMS, NOT URANIUM ... Ooopppsss ... |
| 09.28.04 (7:53 am) [edit] |
[b]White House Defends War Decision Based on Typo[/b]
In an extraordinary retraction of key elements in his last State of the Union Address, President George W. Bush revealed today that Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein did not attempt to buy uranium in Africa, as earlier alleged, but merely geraniums.
“As I was reading the speech to the nation, I should have caught that typo,” the President told reporters today. “My bad.”
While the news about the uranium/geranium goof stunned diplomatic circles, Mr. Bush remained resolute about his decision to go to war, arguing that buying geraniums, while not as potentially dangerous as buying uranium, still represented a “suspicious” activity on the part of the Iraqi madman.
“The question we have to ask is, who was he buying these geraniums for?” Mr. Bush said. “Was he buying them for Osama bin Laden or Kim Jung-Il or some other evildoer? Luckily, we’ll never find out.”
Mr. Bush said that, thanks to Operation Iraqi Freedom, “Saddam Hussein is no longer free to terrorize the world with his evil flower-buying sprees.”
While the President may have been trying to quell international criticism, his comments instead sparked more controversy, as French President Jacques Chirac challenged the U.S. to find evidence of geraniums anywhere in Iraq.
In response, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld said that while the U.S. had yet to turn up any concrete evidence of geraniums, U.S. forces had uncovered several “suspicious” empty flowerpots outside of Basra.
Asked by reporters about the flowerpots, Mr. Bush gave a thumbs-up gesture and said, “Mission accomplished.”
[i]Satire by Borowitz[/i]: http://politicalhumor.about.c...://www.borowitzreport.com/archive%5Frpt.asp%3Frec=637
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| PRESIDENT BUSH'S OCCUPIED IRAQ BILL OF RIGHTS |
| 09.27.04 (7:47 am) [edit] |
[b]PRESENTING THE OCCUPIED IRAQ BILL OF RIGHTS: PRESIDENT BUSH USHERS IN BLISSFUL ERA OF SUBMISSIVE ARABIAC DEMOCRACY AND ETERNAL MARTIAL LAW [/b]
[u]Statement by the President[/u]
THE PRESIDENT: Today, despite thousands of biased non-FOX media reports depicting the ecstatically free population of Texraq as a newly-enraged nest of Ismanian attack hornets, I'm resigned to keep repeating that America's mission there has been an unqualified success. Truth is, the Iraqazoid people are so ecstatic about the dawning of their indeterminately eternal future of enduring freedom under foreign occupation and martial law, they couldn't be any more NOT consumed by violent resentment and hatred towards the omnipresent Western infidels who decimated their cities and killed their families!
As such, today, it is my honor to take the first step towards installing a democracy as semi-legitimate as America's by the presenting the first ever Bill of Rights for Occupied Iraq. I urge all Iraqitos to think of these new rights as training wheels, and to take them out for a fun-filled spin. And then, in twenty or thirty years, we'll see if you animals are smart enough to start kowtowing to American corporate power-brokers without us having to force you to. Thank you, and congratuations!
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| *** President Bush asks Google to find Osama Bin Laden *** |
| 09.26.04 (6:27 am) [edit] |
Google researchers are hot on the trail after President Bush commissioned them through their fee-based "[i]Google Answers[/i]" service to find Osama Bin Laden. Mr Bush, speaking at a fund raiser in Baltimore today said that he was confident that Google would locate the master terrorist. He added,
"We don't expect Google to bring Bin Laden to justice or anything. Our special forces people will take care of all the details .. once Google tells us where to go pick him up".
Google CEO Dr. Eric E. Schmidt says that his company has been presented with some pretty "Mission Impossible" type research requests before but nothing quite as challenging as Mr Bush's. He however said,
"We can find anything. For the right price we can find God. A great deal of our revenue comes from out our fee-based 'Answers' service. People go there, type in their question and for as little as $2.50 our expert researches will answer your question. Mr Bush typed in 'Where is Osama Bin Laden?'. We have not given the president an exact quote on how much that research will be but we think it might be a bit more than $2.50."
Sources say that Bill Gates, on hearing of the Google deal offered to undercut Googles price, whatever that price might be, by finding Bin Laden 15% cheaper than Google can. Gates told reporters,
"Our new MSN search engine blows away any program, system or algorithm that Google may have in it's possession. We are not trying to take over the Search Engine market simply trying to improve it for the good of all. If by chance that happens to put Google and all of the other search engines out of business ..."
Sources at Google say that they also recommended that the president place a couple of strategic Google AdWords .. mini-ads that might entice Osama Bin Laden into clicking on a link. One unnamed source said,
"We could setup Mr Bush's AdWord ad so that we could monitor the IP address of any person hitting that link. For example Mr Bush's Ad might say,
'DISCOUNT CAR BOMB COMPONENTS'.
"Once Bin Laden clicked that ad we'd relay the IP information to the State Department .. boom, we've got our terrorist check please."
Google denies rumors that Bin Laden has commissioned Google Answers to find out out to elude President Bush. President Bush denies rumors that he is denying rumors. The State Department is denying rumors that Mr Bush denies rumors. Bin Laden sails on ...
[i]Satire by Flash Nitrate, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| BUSH DECIDES TO DO EVERYTHING IN SECRET FROM NOW ON |
| 09.25.04 (8:43 am) [edit] |
[b]Holds Midnight Press Conference in Guam[/b]
Delighted by the success of his super-secret visit to Baghdad, President George W. Bush has decided to do everything in secret from now on, sources acknowledged today.
White House press secretary Scott McClellan refused to confirm or deny the President’s decision to enshroud the executive branch in mystery, saying only that it was “a secret.”
But Mr. McClellan did say that from now on, all information relating to foreign policy, judicial appointments and especially the President’s schedule would be divulged on a “need to know” basis only.
While the secret Baghdad trip may have served as an inspiration for Mr. Bush’s new policy, the President has long coveted the air of secrecy surrounding Vice President Dick Cheney, whom Mr. Bush has seen above ground only twice in the past eighteen months.
Reportedly, Mr. Bush believes that his decision to evade detection will not prevent him from getting his message out to the American people, although he intends to deliver that message from now on in a top-secret code known only to him.
In a sign that the President’s new policy has already taken effect, Mr. Bush held an unannounced press conference last night at midnight at a remote Air Force base in Guam, attended by no one.
To avoid being spotted, the President did not take Air Force One, instead flying in an unmarked plane operated by Hooters Air.
Mr. Bush opened his press conference by saying, “Mixdy levgo trisdikk fleddxy,” before dashing back into the plane and jetting home to Crawford, Texas, where aides said he planned to do “something.”
[i]Satire by BorowitzReport[/i]: http://politicalhumor.about.c...://www.borowitzreport.com/archive%5Frpt.asp%3Frec=746
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| BUSH'S PERSONAL COPY OF DECLASSIFIED DAILY INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING FOR AUGUST 6th, 2001 |
| 09.23.04 (6:06 am) [edit] |
[b]PRESIDENT BUSH'S PERSONAL COPY OF DECLASSIFIED DAILY INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING FOR AUGUST 6th, 2001 [/b]
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning, and Happy Magical Resurrection of Our Lord Jesus Day. Yesterday, after weeks and weeks of listening to nosey reporters whine while my approval ratings sank into the crapper, I made a decision – which despite the fact that I said I'd never do it should NOT be interpreted as a Kerryesque "flip-flop" – to release one of my super-secret Presidential Daily Briefings. Now this particular PDB, entitled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US," was read aloud to me by Condi Rice on August 6th, 2001 – the same exact day I was due to leave for my first of many well-deserved month-long vacations at my luxury ranch in Texas. Well today, I trust that the American people will agree I did the right thing, when after glancing over that ridiculously vague memo filled with specific references to a domestic al Qaeda attack, I promptly skipped town for thirty fun-filled days of golf, jogging, and naps http://www.whitehouse.gov/new... . Thank you.
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| BUSH THREW AWAY VIETNAM-ERA GOLF TROPHIES |
| 09.22.04 (6:45 am) [edit] |
[b]President’s Golf Record Under Fire[/b]
Controversy hit the Bush campaign today amid reports that the President threw away several trophies he won while playing golf during the Vietnam War.
For years, the President has deflected questions about his lack of military service during the war by stressing that he used that time to develop the golf skills necessary to serve as Commander in Chief.
But the latest bombshell is bound to renew scrutiny of Mr. Bush’s golf record, as eyewitnesses at the Kennebunk Golf Club said that Mr. Bush threw away several of his golf trophies during a protest at the club in 1971.
According to the eyewitnesses, Mr. Bush hurled the trophies over the country club’s fence to protest a decision to move up the club bar’s closing time from eleven o’clock to ten.
When asked about the incident today, Mr. Bush acknowledged that he threw away the golf trophies but said he later climbed over the fence to retrieve them after his dad yelled at him.
But Mr. Bush’s comments only fanned the flames of controversy, as his former golf partner Charles “Whiffy” Wiffington said that the trophies could not possibly have belonged to Mr. Bush since the President never won more than an honorable-mention ribbon while playing at the club.
“I think he got a ribbon for ‘most improved,’ but that was about the extent of it,” Mr. Wiffington said.
In other news, Secretary of State Colin Powell said today that he saw the plans for the invasion of Iraq “at the same time as everyone else – when I read Bob Woodward’s book.”
[i]Satire by Andy Borowitz[/i]: http://politicalhumor.about.c...://www.borowitzreport.com/archive%5Frpt.asp%3Frec=852
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| BUSH: IRAQI PRISON SCANDAL RAISES NEW QUESTIONS ABOUT KERRY’S WAR RECORD |
| 09.22.04 (6:41 am) [edit] |
[b]Promises Iraqi People Vigorous New Attack Ads[/b]
Speaking to the Iraqi people last night, President Bush vowed that he would respond to the Iraqi prison scandal with a vigorous new round of campaign ads attacking Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass).
“In a democracy, it is important to have transparency, and there is no one more transparent than I am,” Mr. Bush said.
Mr. Bush promised the Iraqis that he would spare no expense in producing the new attack ads and said that the abuse of Iraqi prisoners had raised fresh questions about Sen. Kerry’s Vietnam War record.
“As you saw the abhorrent images from Abu Ghraib prison, I’m sure that you were asking yourselves the same question I was: why did John Kerry throw away his war medals?” Mr. Bush said.
The speech to the Iraqi people culminated a busy day for Mr. Bush, who earlier in the evening announced that the U.S. had invaded Michael Moore.
Mr. Bush said that the invasion of Michael Moore was “a last resort” after the filmmaker repeatedly refused to destroy copies of his latest film, Fahrenheit 911.
The invasion, which the Pentagon is calling Operation Shut His Piehole, commenced in the southern region of Michael Moore, with troops expected to reach the Oscar-winning director’s mouth in a matter of days.
But according to retired General Wesley Clark, securing Michael Moore may prove considerably more difficult than invading him.
“It’s important to remember that Michael Moore is approximately the same size as the state of Texas,” Gen. Clark said.
[i]Satire by Andy Borowitz[/i]: http://politicalhumor.about.c...://www.borowitzreport.com/archive%5Frpt.asp%3Frec=859
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| ...... BUSH IS PERFECT, WHITE HOUSE REVEALS ...... |
| 09.21.04 (6:23 am) [edit] |
[b]First Flawless Person in History, Experts Believe[/b]
President George W. Bush received some much needed good news today as the White House revealed conclusive evidence that the President is perfect.
“After reviewing his actions since entering the White House in 2001, we have come to the conclusion that the President is perfect,” White House spokesman Scott McClellan said. “And we believe that his perfection may date back even further than that, possibly to his date of birth.”
Mr. Bush responded to the news of his perfection with self-effacing modesty, Mr. McClellan said, “which is exactly how you’d expect a perfect person to react.”
“He said he would move mountains to find some flaw that would make him less than perfect,” Mr. McClellan said, adding that the President could, in fact, move mountains.
Mr. McClellan then distributed to the press copies of a bowling score-sheet attributed to the President which showed Mr. Bush bowling a perfect score of 300.
In the aftermath of the White House’s announcement, experts in the field of human perfection expressed astonishment at the news of Mr. Bush’s flawlessness.
“We’ve always operated on the presumption that nobody is perfect,” said Dr. David Stemmins of the University of Minnesota. “If these revelations are true, that would make President Bush the first perfect person in history.”
Not so, says Mr. McClellan: “Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, and John Ashcroft are also perfect.”
In other news, Barry Bonds’s home-run heroics were overshadowed yesterday when President Bush produced his 660th reason for invading Iraq.
[i]Satire by BorowitzReport Archives[/i]: http://politicalhumor.about.c...://www.borowitzreport.com/archive%5Frpt.asp%3Frec=842
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| ...... Bush Administration Vows To Offer National Health Insurance To Other Nations ...... |
| 09.21.04 (6:16 am) [edit] |
Washington, DC, and Crawford, TX--President Bush today confirmed that if re-elected, he will offer government-sponsored health care coverage to all other nations who do not currently have national health insurance for their citizens, but his Administration will not offer it to Americans.
[i]"If Re-Elected, I Will Provide National Health Care to All Other Nations, Just Not to America!"[/i]
"National health insurance reeks of Communism," President Bush reiterated, as he alternated between practicing his smirk and his swagger for his next campaign appearance. "I don't want it in this country. But it's OK for us to give it to other countries because that's foreign policy. We're forcing other countries to do what we want them to do, even if it's something we wouldn't do at home. We'll call it 'No Country Left Behind in Health Care Coverage Except America.'"
The policies would cover examinations, diagnostic tests, necessary procedures, dental care, eyeglasses, prescription drugs, chiropractic, weight-loss programs, massage, reflexology, diet counseling, fashion advice, and LASIK surgery. There will be no need to go through a gatekeeper. There will be no forms to complete.
Reaction from other countries was generally positive, with leaders expressing gratitude that citizens of poorer countries would now be able to get medicines and diagnostic tests and other services and only have to pay a $10 co-pay.
"I feel sorry for Americans, though," said one leader. "Why do they have to buy their drugs from other countries when their own country makes the drugs? Is it like some kind of fun computer game where you have to go back and forth in a maze-like pattern? Do you accrue frequent-flyer points for travelling to Canada for prescription drugs?"
Most Americans who were asked for their opinion were unaware of President Bush's position on this matter. "Truthfully, I blocked out the upcoming election weeks ago," said one citizen. "It's just too painful. And, I'm in the middle of fighting with my insurance company over a $48 bill. They're saying my son really didn't need antibiotic coverage for his strep throat. I'm living the dream of no national health care coverage--I don't have time to follow the election!"
The Kerry-Edwards team deemed it inadvisable to respond directly to the Bush Administration's proposal, but a spokesperson for Kerry said," This focus on foreign policy over domestic issues is completely typical of George Bush. You know that expression NIMBY--Not In MY Back Yard? He's taken it to a new extreme as regards domestic initiatives--not in my country!"
[i]Satire by Ilona Ronay, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ...... Osama to campaign for Bush ...... |
| 09.21.04 (6:12 am) [edit] |
Osama Bin Laden is likely to start his campaign for the US presidential candidate and long time friend Mr Bush later this week, according to our reliable source.
Mr Bush who is contesting for his re-election summoned Osama at his resident last week for a High School re-union party. An unidentified source who was present there at the party told his wife who later told her co-worker, who then told his husband and best friend, who later passed it on to a waiter at a snack bar, who then passed it on to her boyfriend who also happens to be our correspondent.
Observers reached to a consensus that this move will surely give Mr Bush a huge chance of getting re-elected and to fight terrorism to a higher degree with Osama on his side. “We can look forward to a second plane crash in one of the tall buildings across America”, says a media source. “He is right,” says a big government official. “He’ll be back,” says Arnold, the new governor of the most unluckiest state in US.
"Osama is the widest known name in the world post-WTC crash, second only to me and Jesus. I'll be looking forward to leverage his fame, that’s why I told him to crash on the WTC to make himself popular and to cover my footprints, create reasons capturing Sadam" said Bush. This man sure knows this time was coming. Looks like its one of the best laid plans in the history of America.
Kerry’s reaction is still not clear. Will he be turning to Sadam? That’s a possibility. “I can either ask Sadam or Michael Jackson to do my campaigns, but let Britney Spear’s tenth and final rejection come,” remarked Kerry. Kerry has also considered stripping, posing nude for playgirl and turning gay. But his wife and kids managed to stop him by threatening him. His family told him that they’ll vote for Bush if he does anyone of those three options of stripping, posing nude for playgirl or turning gay. “He should concentrate on the election and getting elected for the time being, and he can go and humiliate himself and the nation after getting elected, like Clinton did,” said his wife.
[i]Satire by Fela, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| President Bush Mulls Over New Hair Style |
| 09.20.04 (8:05 am) [edit] |
President Bush will announce he may grow a mullet for the rest of the presidential campaign, Republican aides said yesterday.
Bush is doing it for no other reason "than to annoy the hell out of the pointy-headed, hang-wringing intellectual wing" of the Democratic party.
"Nothing strikes fear into the very heart of these people like a mullet," Bush adviser Andrew Card said. "Now give the mulleted man extraordinary powers – like, say, control of the United States Army – and it should be fun watching their heads explode!"
The mullet will be a 1.5-to-8 job, which in mullet parlance means for every 1.5 inches of hair in the front, there will be 8 inches of hair down the back.
In keeping with the proper ratios, an anonymous Bush hairdresser said that the president "may opt for 3 in the front and 16 in the back."
"If Tommy Jefferson had a mullet, that's good enough for me," Bush told reporters Sunday. Thomas Jefferson, the third president, is widely believed to be the first major figure in history to have sported a mullet, although archaeologists, during a 1924 excavation in southern Russia, discovered a portrait thought to be of Genghis Khan. In the crudely drawn sketch, the man has an unmistakable mullet.
Other mulleted presidents include Andrew Jackson, James Buchanan, John Tyler, and Benjamin Harrison.
Bush said he "didn't know nothin' 'bout them fellas" except maybe Jackson.
"I reckon Jackson was a military commander in the War of 1912, no?" Bush said.
[i]Satire by BrokenNewz[/i]: http://www.brokennewz.com/dis...
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| “Ask” The President, A Satire??????? ....... |
| 09.20.04 (7:38 am) [edit] |
[b]To continue to display transparency, our president, George W. Bush hosted another successful “Ask the President” session, below is the transcript.[/b]
Bush: Thank you all, thank you (applause moving into chants of “four more years”). Thank you.
(Crowd relents).
Bush: I want to thank you all for coming. I want to thank you all for supporting me for the past four years and for coming today for some honest conversation about the next four years (smirks). I want to thank Laura for, well, ehh, for being such a great First Lady. I also want to thank a man I trust implicitly, even with all war games preparations, Dick Cheney (crowd erupts), yes that’s right lets hear it for Dick. Who couldn’t stand for another four years of Dick? He is so much more to me than just a Vice President. He is a part of me. I couldn’t fathom another four years without a little Dick in me. I know that a lot of folks question his allegiances because he was such a successful businessman, but those folks are just pessimistic. They can’t understand that government and business can work together. They say that Dick lied about his deferred compensation from Halliburton. Nonsense! Dick earned that money and more importantly, he made a decision four years ago to accept it. Do you understand that folks? He made a decision. When Dick or I make a decision, there is one thing you can count on WE WON’T CHANGE OUR MINDS CUZ OF SOME OPINION POLL!
(Chants of “flip-flop” erupt).
Bush: No, sir I can tell you because I know the soul of Dick Cheney. It is made of tempered steel. He will not back down in his decisions. That is what we need in Washington, not someone who shifts with the wind, or bases his decisions on public opinion. You just need someone with the vision of a Dick Cheney to see that. Let’s hear it some more for Dick!
(Crowd starts chanting “we love Dick”).
Bush: Ok, that’s enough about Dick, I want to move into the vision I have for this great country if God blesses me as he told me he would by having y’all vote for me again. I want to talk first about the most important problem facing our country today, the War on Terror
(Chilling organ music heard in the background).
Bush: I want you all to know that I will protect this country at every turn from these evil-doing evil doers. They are just evil, ya know? I don’t understand why some folks don’t see that. They hate us you know. They hate us for our freedoms. They hate us because we have what they don’t which is freedom. We all had to learn a hard lesson on September the 11th. Hard lesson for us to learn. I never again will allow an attack on our soil, by making sure we take the fight to “them”. They will learn. We will never turn back, never concede. We will smoke em out of their holes. We will get them-a-running. That is why I invaded Iraq . There is a lot of holes in Iraq . It is a rocky desert, ya know? So, logically, where else would they be hiding? We found Saddam in a hole if you remember?
(Crowd murmurs in agreement “that’s right”).
Bush: I learned from that lesson to recognize that these terrorist, they hide in holes and we must be vigilant to smoke em out of them holes. That is how you fight this war, that is how you win this war. Iraq is now heading toward a free society. Are there going to be casualties, sure! What war has not had casualties? But look at WWII, how many died there? We have waged a sensitive… wait, that’s not the word, careful; yes we have waged a careful war. Because of our actions, Iraq had athletes competing in the Olympics, for the first time in four years! Yes, in Iraq …Freedom is on the march!
(Chants of “four more wars”, erupts).
Bush: Then you have the blame America first crowd talking about Afghanistan , trying to downplay our success there. So what if Karzi used to consult for the company that is building the pipeline we need in that country! So what if he has now asked the Taliban to serve a role in the new government! So what that the opium production is back at full strength! This is about optimism. This is about the Afghani people registering more than 10 million people for elections this fall. I know there are only 9.8 million eligible voters in the entire country but when you offer $150 to register and don’t check who registers twice, you would be amazed at what freedom can do. Despite the negativity of my opponent, in Afghanistan , Freedom is on the march!
(Chants of “four more wars”, erupts again).
Bush: I also want to take a moment to recognize the coalition from all over the world that has helped us in this global struggle. I have heard the pessimism of the democrats who try to diminish the contributions of our coalition. I want to thank countries such as Costa Rica …
(Silence in the crowd as Karl Rove leans in to whisper something to the president)
Bush: …scratch Costa Rica , what I meant to say was I want to welcome our latest addition to the coalition, Madagascar ! They have joined with the world to speak out against terrorism and we expect that their contingent of 17 soldiers to be arriving in Iraq any day now. Welcome Madagascar , welcome. The coalition is always looking for more support as we root out terrorism in countries where it breeds, such as in Costa Rica .
(Crowd, frothing at the mouth, starts chanting Bush, Bush, Bush).
Bush: I also recognize that while it is important to have infrastructure and economic policies in Iraq , it may be equally important to have some at home as well. We have turned a corner folks, we have. You just have to know how to look at the numbers. The economic indicators we were using before my reign, I mean my administration, were developed for another time, another era. They’re outdated. The economy has changed, why shouldn’t the way we measure it? The numbers of unemployed, living in poverty, laid off, and seeking foreclosures are all ancient economic indicators. They do not truly represent that vibrant economy that we all enjoy now. In the Month of August for example, the amount of families earning supplemental income from garage sales was up 43%! That is 43% in just one month! I might add that if they are having a garage sale, they must have a garage. Garages are usually attached to houses, which clearly indicates that home ownership is also up 43%! The wave of the future is supplemental income! That is because our country is evolving, and the government needs to evolve with it. What about the spike we have seen in selling blood? During the last quarter alone, we have seen a 64% increase in the amount of people selling their blood. That is more money in their pockets for people to spend as they choose to continue to stimulate this economy! It is your blood, why shouldn’t you spend the money you earn selling it the way you see fit? I am very discouraged by the negativity of my opponent. He just wants to scare you. We created 32,000 new jobs in July and he just wants to whine about how the government needs to create 150,000 new jobs per month just to keep up with the new job seekers. He believes the government should be creating the jobs, I think you should!
(Chants of “sell your blood, sell your blood!” ripple through the crowd).
Bush: Healthcare is the most important issue I waited three and a half years to address. I believe that you should be on the side of the “docs”, not the trial lawyers. Healthcare costs will not come down until we outlaw lawyers in this country. I read about a patient who went in for a hangnail and walked out with a vasectomy. No really, it is not a joke (smirking). So of course if my opponent had his way, this guy would be allowed to sue, and drive up the costs of your healthcare plan! I say look how much money we saved you in future childcare and college costs! When God gives you lemons, you should try to make lemonade; you shouldn’t be looking to sue God. God didn’t have a lawyer, why should you?
(Crowd explodes into chants of “let’s kill all the lawyers”)
Bush: Healthcare is an area that allows me to talk about a subject dear to my heart, OWNERSHIP. Ya gotta OWN something in this country if you are going to feel any interest in it at all. That is why I want you to OWN something. OWNERSHIP means you have a piece of our future because you OWN it, ya know? That’s why I say; let em OWN their own healthcare, right? Heck I’ll even give ya $3,000 per family to start. Now, my doom and gloom opponent will gripe that it costs $9,000 on average for a family to purchase insurance. That just goes to show ya that he wants government to run healthcare! I believe in the American spirit. I believe in the entrepreneurial spirit of America . My opponent does not think you can come up with the other $6,000; he has no faith in America . But I believe in YOU!
(Crowd bursts out into chants of “Six more thousand! Six more thousand!)
Bush: Well now, I would love to just sit here all day and talk about all I have done and will do, but this is really meant to be an opportunity for you, the average undecided American to ask me questions about what is important to you this election season so lets start the “ask the president” session!
Bush: Yes, you in front.
Average American #1: I just wanted to say thank God for you, and that my family prays for you every night.
Bush: Well, thank you very much, that is very nice of you to say. Yes, you?
Average American #2: Mr. President, I want to ask you, you reported to the Texas Air National Guard during Vietnam , right?
Bush: Yes, yes I did.
Average American #2: And in Texas it is very hot and you could have suffered heat stroke at any moment during your deployment?
Bush: Well, yes I guess that is true.
Average American #2: And Texas often has life threatening tornados, does it not?
Bush: Yes, that is correct.
Average American #2: I just want to thank you for your service to this country.
Bush: Well, thank you for saying that. Next?
Average American #3: Mr. President I just want to thank you for turning this country around after inheriting a recession. I am a small business owner in this community and because of your tax cuts and refusal to raise the minimum wage; I was able to hire two additional workers at $5.15 per hour in the past calendar year alone!
Bush: You see, this is what I am talking about when I talk about tax liberation. This entrepreneur was in bondage by former administrations. I gave her back HER money and she chose to invest it in your community. That is how America is supposed to work. Now because she saved so much money on her taxes, two more of your friends have jobs today. Thanks for your question, next question please…yes you?
Average American #4: Sir, I wanted to personally thank you for making me and my family safer with your relentless war on terror. I can’t tell you how many times we used to sit around the kitchen table just worrying about Saddam Hussein and when he might choose to unleash his weapons of mass destruction, or start developing weapons of mass destruction, or even that he might one day start thinking about the capability he might be able to obtain to create weapons of mass destruction-related-progr ams.
Bush: Well you’re quite welcome sir. I was presented with a tough decision. Do I trust the word of a madman who said he destroyed the WMD which we had sold him or do I remember the lessons of September the 11th? Faced with that decision I will always protect America . Of course now in light of the fact that no weapons have been found, my opponent would say that we had no right to invade Iraq, but I will never ask for a permission slip to defend America by annihilating a third world country, never! Look, we know that he wanted the weapons, he wanted them. To say otherwise is to stick your head in the sand and hope he never gets them. We need to be on the offensive. Any country that might possibly consider developing weapons programs needs to take heed.
(Chants of Iran is next! Iran is next! ring out)
Bush: Yes Miss, your question?
Average American #5: Yes sir, you also served in Alabama did you not?
Bush: Yes I did.
Average American #5: And doesn’t Alabama often suffer from direct hits from hurricanes?
Bush: Yes, yes it does.
Average American #5: And Alabama had no professional sports teams for you to follow while deployed there?
Bush: Hmm, yes, I hadn’t thought about that, but you are right.
Average American #5: Gosh, I just want to thank you for your brave service to this great country!
Bush: Well, that is very kind of you to say, I appreciate that. Next?
Average American #6: I am not sure what episode of the twilight zone I have stumbled into here, but can you answer why you are constantly hyping the war when it is apparent from the latest NIE that civil war is close to breaking out, how you can defend the war profiteering, why you waited three and half years to develop a domestic agenda and how…
(Secret service quickly pounces on the man as the crowd kicks at him while he is dragged away in shackles).
(Chants of “four more years” start to die down).
Bush: Those were important questions that deserve answers. I just wonder about the patriotism of a fellow who would question the war on terror? Doesn’t that make them with the terrorists? As you know, you are either with us or you are with them. So, these questions are important, they definitely are… next question please?
Average American #7: Yes sir, I want to personally apologize for the infiltration of that enemy combatant and assure you he does not speak for this community.
Bush: Gosh, I would not blame you for his unamericanism. Thanks for your concerns though. Ok, I think we got time for one more, just one more, it is now past 4 in the afternoon and I have to go wake up Jenna and Barbara. Yes, you sir?
Average American #8: I just want to thank you for your unwavering leadership, your calm in the storm and your steady stewardship of this country during perilous times. Thank you.
Bush: Well, thank you very much for that sentiment. I believe that this country needs a leader who will stand for what he believes. A leader who does not look for reasons to change his mind. We live in dangerous times. Dangerous times call for dangerous leaders. They call for…
(Karl Rove leans in again to whisper to the president)
Bush: Sorry, I meant dangerous times call for steady leaders. Yes, steady. That is what I pledge to you all if God chooses to bless me with your votes again. I thank you all for your time, your questions, and your prayers. You were a tough bunch on me, but I will continue to be out here humbly trying to convince you that this ole cowboy deserves another four years!
(FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE FEARS! FOUR MORE TEARS!!!!!!)
The crowd starts to dissipate, slowly returning to their foreclosed homes, with their dwindling jobs and opportunities. Yet, for some reason when the curtain is pulled this November, they will seemingly forget all their problems that Bush has created and may indeed vote for him. What the hell, they can always hold a garage sale. - http://www.opednews.com/wade_...
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| ... 2004 Re-Election Fashion Preview ... |
| 09.19.04 (6:45 am) [edit] |
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| ... GOP Health Plan to Offer Low-Cost Lobotomies ... |
| 09.18.04 (6:13 am) [edit] |
[i]Support for Health Savings Accounts is a 'no-brainer'[/i]
Akron, Ohio---George Bush spoke at a rally today addressing his latest health care proposal. Young people will be given the opportunity to put some of their medicare payments into a Health Savings Account (HSA) which will accrue interest. Poor people, who sustain serious injuries, which require critical care......but who don’t have enough money to pay for the $1000 deductible.....may opt to have a lobotomy, instead.
The plan is considered visionary, because it is expected to encourage poor people, who may be having trouble paying rent and buying groceries, to save money by cutting back on their healthcare.
A banner above the podium read “Support Health Savings Accounts. Its a no-brainer!”
In his speech, Bush reiterated the Republican party’s commitment to preserve the popular Medicare program by destroying it. As wealthier contributors are enticed to drop out of the traditional medicare program, premiums for those who stay will increase 17%.
Addressing the cheering crowd, Bush said, the new program will benefit consumers by limiting how much they can get in redress for malpractice, thereby helping to bring third-world medical care to the United States by strengthening the financial positions of Health Minimization Organizations (HMO's).
Bush’s plan is called the “Ownership Society”, because it allows all Americans to get a “slice of the pie” from the medicare program, which was originally designed exclusively as a safety net to help the poor and indigent.
Bush’s plan for Health Savings Accounts is becoming very popular amoung those who are in high income brackets, and think it will be a great way to augment their portfolios, even as it unravels the safety net for the destitute and indigent.
Polls show that the average American favors measures geared toward the rich and famous. The plan would be especially helpful to those in income bracket above $100,000 whereas the average household income in America in 2003 was $43,000.
It has been suggested that getting a lobotomy may help those people become better voters.
In his speech Bush stressed that Free-market economics must prevail, except in the case of the pharmaceutical industry which contributed huge amounts of money to his election campaign. In that case, protectionism which prevents Americans from buying low cost drugs from Canada is very good thing.
Inexpensive lobotomies will become available in neighborhood clinics around the country starting November 3rd.
[i]Satire by Evan Essence, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ... Bush Administration Vows To Offer National Health Insurance To Other Nations ... |
| 09.17.04 (6:07 am) [edit] |
Washington, DC, and Crawford, TX--President Bush today confirmed that if re-elected, he will offer government-sponsored health care coverage to all other nations who do not currently have national health insurance for their citizens, but his Administration will not offer it to Americans.
"National health insurance reeks of Communism," President Bush reiterated, as he alternated between practicing his smirk and his swagger for his next campaign appearance. "I don't want it in this country. But it's OK for us to give it to other countries because that's foreign policy. We're forcing other countries to do what we want them to do, even if it's something we wouldn't do at home. We'll call it 'No Country Left Behind in Health Care Coverage Except America.'"
[i]Read entire satire on The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ... George W. Bush's War on Rather ... |
| 09.16.04 (7:02 am) [edit] |
[b]War on Rather
Andy Borowitz wrote a great piece of satire/news parody that nailed this whole issue:
[u]VOTERS GIVE BUSH HIGH MARKS FOR WAR ON RATHER[/u]
CBS Newsman Tops Voters' Concerns in New Poll[/b]
The reelection bid of President George W Bush received some positive news today in the form of a new poll showing voters giving him high marks in the war on CBS newsman Dan Rather. The poll, with a margin of error of 5 percentage points, asked likely voters, "Who do you trust more in the war against Dan Rather, President Bush or Senator John Kerry?"
According to the survey, 97% chose Bush while only 2% said Kerry was better equipped to fight the war on Rather. Perhaps even more encouraging to Bush -- & potentially more troubling for Kerry -- a majority of voters now says that the war on Rather is their number one concern, topping such other election-year issues as Iraq & the economy. One such voter, Ray Pauling, 56, expressed a typical view: "Bush leaves you feeling like he'll do everything in his power to destroy Dan Rather, but Kerry doesn't even talk about it."
But even as voters express confidence in Bush's ability to fight & eventually eradicate Dan Rather, there are lingering concerns among likely voters that Bush might be distracted by another war: the war on Kitty Kelley. "We're spreading ourselves too thin if we think we can fight Dan Rather & Kitty Kelley at the same time," said Jack Dooley, 43, a self-described "undecided" voter.
In other political news, the Republican National Committee announced that, effective immediately & continuing through November 2, Bush's campaign speeches will be simulcast in English.
[i]Satire by Andy Borowitz[/i]: http://www.newshounds.us/2004...
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| NEW STUDY REPORTS:-- Stupid People Love Bush (Correlation with Low I.Q.) ... |
| 09.15.04 (6:27 am) [edit] |
[b]Stupid people love Bush
New study shows correlation between decline of IQ and rise of GOP[/b]
"Stupid people love Bush" new study proves According to the prestigious Southern California think tank, The Gluton Group, stupid people prefer President George W Bush over Senator John Kerry by a 4-to-1 margin. As Chief Resident Dr. Louis Friend characterized the results of the research, "the less intelligent you are, the more you like Bush." This landmark study, conducted over a 5 month period, involved 2400 likely voters bridging all economic stratas in the 17 states generally considered up for grabs on November 2nd. Participants were tested for intelligence, then asked to fill out a 12 page series of questions involving the Presidential candidates with results released earlier this week.
The consensus: the higher the IQ, the less people trust Bush and respect the job his administration has done. The lower the IQ, the more people admire his steadfastness. "It was pretty much a slam dunk. There's no nice way to say this. Dumb people like him. They think his unwavering nature is a positive personality trait. They even venerate him for never admitting mistakes, even when he's wrong. On the other hand, smart people think he's a lying bully. I mean, c'mon, you have a deserter accusing a decorated veteran of treason. Who's going to buy that besides stupid people?"
Preliminary results:
IQ Above 140: Kerry 80%, Bush 20%.
120-140: Kerry 65%, Bush 35%.
100-120: Kerry 54%, Bush 46%.
80-100: Bush 54%, Kerry 46%.
60-80: Bush 60%, Kerry 15%, Dale Earnhardt Jr. 25%.
Apparently Bush's good-evil, black-white philosophy resonates on an inverse relationship with higher education, whereas it became evident over the period of analysis that John Kerry's nuanced arguments are only understood by people who paid attention in any class above the 5th grade.
Doctor Friend elaborated: "It has to do with intellectual curiosity. Folks see Bush in front of a stream talking about the environment and they assume he's in favor of it, even though if you read his legislation, I'd be surprised to hear him endorse shade. This also explains why Bush gets away with pretending he doesn't know how the Senate works, allowing him to call Kerry a flip-flopper."
Friend released evidence that this type of disconnect exists across the board: education, foreign policy, the economy, post 9-11 security response and State Dinner entertainment choices. Also discovered was a direct correlation between the number of preset Country Western stations on car radios and Bush's approval rating. Dr. Friend attributes this phenomena to the simplicity inherent in the messages indigenous to both. Classical music listeners were preponderantly Kerry supporters, but surprisingly, on heavy metal, the two split down the middle.
Spotting a trend, Friend cautioned, "Because of the deterioration in public education, larger and larger segments of the population are creeping downward IQ-wise, cementing the hold Republicans have on the electorate." However, if the election were held today, Bush would hold a lead of 52-48 in the popular vote, but would be virtually tied in the Electoral College, which Bush supporters argue against because the word College angers them. When contacted, a Kerry spokesman just chuckled. No Bush spokesperson was made available for comment. It was also found that Ralph Nader supporters were the brightest of all political proponents tested, but Dr. Friend dismissed them as "too smart for their own good."
In a related study, smart people prefer baseball because the pace is such that there is time to read. [i]Will Durst has two country western stations preset on his car radio. Okay, no he doesn't[/i].
[i]Satire by Will Durst[/i]: http://www.workingforchange.c...
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| Bush Promises “Surprise Executions” in Second Term |
| 09.15.04 (6:24 am) [edit] |
[i]A scene from President Bush's Dream[/i]
Las Vegas, NV – During his address to the National Guard Association of the United States, President Bush assured group that his second term would feature “many, many” executions. Wearing his trademark smirk, the President nodded and winked to the group repeatedly as he made these statements.
“I can’t tell you exactly who’s going to get ‘it’,” said the President, “but you can bet they are going to be some big names – you can just bank on that my friends. When I say big names, I mean really big – Bruce Willis big – not that I am planning to have him executed – I love Die Hard and I’ll bet you do too. I just wanted to give you an example of the kind of big I’m thinking of.
“Maybe Brittany big – boy, wouldn’t that be something – to see Brittany Spears hanging from the St. Louis Arch,” the President continued, almost dreamily. “That’s the kind of thing I find myself imagining all the time. Of course, in my dreams, I have an old WWI airplane and I swoop under the Arch and rescue her at the last minute. Needless to say, she becomes my concubine – since I saved her life and all.
“Now Laura isn’t that thrilled with this plan, so I’d covert to any religion that lets me have more than one wife. That would sure be great. As President, I could make a new law that set me up with a wife in every state – 46 hotties to do my bidding. I’ll tell you what – if I saw some chick I wanted to marry and her husband said ‘no’ – bam! He’s executed – courtesy of Uncle Sam.
As the President lost himself in this reverie, the assembled National Guardsmen were becoming increasingly restive. “I might even take care of some of the ‘loose ends’ in my administration,” the President smiled as he seemed to be coughing “Colin Powell”.
At this point, several of Mr. Bush’s advisors rushed the stage and pushed the President to the floor while Secret Service Agents sealed the doors. After a brief scuffle on the floor of the stage, during which a syringe was spotted by several members of the audience, a much subdued President returned to the podium.
“In closing,” the President said, “it is critical that the president of the United States speak clearly and consistently at this time of great threat in our world, and not change positions because of expediency or pressure.” Mr. Bush then slumped into a nearby chair before being assisted off the stage by staffers.
Karl Rove, traveling with the President, briefly addressed the National Guard and the media, admonishing them to forget what they had just seen and to never mention the nature of the President’s comments to anyone. “If you do,” said Mr. Rove, “you may be executed.”
[i]Satire by Andy Lam, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Karl Rove's Playbook for A'W'OL Bush & 'F*ck-yourself or Die' Cheney!!! ... |
| 09.14.04 (10:31 am) [edit] |
[b]Who is to blame for Bush's disastrous failures in Iraq, Afghanistan and around the world (and here in the good ole' USA) and leaving America terribly vulnerable to terrorist attacks???[/b]
[b]For Whom The BLAME Tolls!!![/b]
Blame Clinton...
Blame 9/11...
Blame the Media...
Blame Paul O'Neill...
Blame the Liberals...
Blame Richard Clarke...
Blame the Press...
Blame Joseph Wilson...
Blame John F. Kerry...
Blame the Gays...
Blame Al Gore...
Blame Pro-Choice Women...
Blame Ret. General Zinni...
Blame the Palestinians...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame the Iraqis themselves...
Blame the Liberals again...
Blame Working people...
Blame the Democrats...
Blame Al Gore again...
Blame the BBC...
Blame the French...
Blame Hollywood...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame the Germans...
Blame Iran...
Blame NPR...
Blame Ralph Nader...
Blame Hillary...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame Working Moms...
Blame the Russians...
Blame Syria...
Blame the Media again...
Blame Amnesty International...
Blame People Who Take Pictures...
Blame the Red Cross...
Blame George Soros...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Noam Chomsky...
Blame China...
Blame Gore Vidal...
Blame Michael Moore...
Blame Liberals again...
Blame the Left...
Blame the Muslims...
Blame Bill Moyers...
Blame U.S. Military "Bad Apples"...
Blame Whistle-blowers...
Blame the Press again...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Ted Kennedy...
Blame the U.S. Constitution...
Blame Robert Byrd...
Blame the Geneva Conventions...
Blame Paul Krugman...
Blame the Bill of Rights...
Blame Maureen Dowd...
Blame Warren Buffett...
Blame the Environmental Whackos...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame the AFL-CIO...
Blame Science...
Blame Scientists...
Blame those Who Love The Planet...
Blame Intellectuals...
Blame the Environmental Protection Agency...
Blame the Media again...
Blame the Rule of Law...
Blame Left-Wing Tbloggers: WhyNot, WinstonSmith, SamAdams, DianneMaire, CheckItOut, SpyMaster, PatriotActs, CarteBlanche, IconoclasticDeer, therealspartacus007, DrForbush, LittleMrMahatma, UsefulIdiot, jimmytherighteous, whoisjohngalt, jesusisangry, DragonBait22, etc....
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame PBS...
Blame NEA...
Blame Public School Teachers...
Blame Protestors...
Blame Free Speech Advocates...
Blame the United Nations...
Blame the Ragheads, Wogs & Other Minorities...
Blame History, Geography, Culture & Knowledge...
Blame the Media again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Kerry again for lying ('cause Bush sure doesn't!!!) ...
Blame Free-Speech Advocates...
Blame Thinking People (Liberals & Conservatives) who don't like Rush Limbaugh...
Blame John McCain...
Blame Republicans Against Bush...
Blame Liberals again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 over and over again...
Blame Working People for wanting to be paid Overtime while CEOs rake in Hundreds of Millions in Golden-Pay-Packets...
Blame the Left again for wanting to hold Bush accountable...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 over and over and over again...
Blame Other Liberal Tbloggers like Question, SisterTalk, WhyNot, SpyMaster, WinstonSmith & SamAdams again ...
Blame George Tenet...
Blame the CIA again...
Blame the Liberals again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame the Lefties who don't worship Ronald Reagan...
Blame the Lefties who uncover Bush-GOP lies about Kerry...
Blame Richard Clarke again...
Blame Clinton over and over again...
Blame the Liberals over and over again...
Blame 9/11 over and over and over and over again...
Blame Sandy Berger over and over and over and over again...
Blame Michael Moore and Linda Ronstadt and the Dixie Chicks over and over and over again...
Blame Teresa Heinz-Kerry now...
Blame Dan Rather...
Blame CBS over and over and over and over again...
Blame Liberal Tbloggers: flipsidedown is added to this honorary list...
Blame Kitty Kelley...
Blame the DNC...
Blame MoveOn.org
Blame CBS over and over and over and over and over again...
[b]If all else fails dont' forget to blame Michael Moore over and over and over again ... [i]Fahrenheit 9/11 [/i]must be the real cause of all of our problems ...[/b]
Oh, and don't forget to blame the Left for not choosing to believe Bush's lies about phony WMDs, Bush's lies about non-existent links between Iraq & Al Qaeda; Bush's deceptions about his regime's support of murder-torture-rape-abuse of prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, in Afghanistan and in Iraq (including Abu Ghraib) http://www.tblog.com/template... -- The list of Bush's lies is endless, but blame those who don't believe them...
Oh, and don't forget to say "[u]Fuck-Yourself[/u]" to anyone who doesn't worship Bush and Cheney as Gods ...
Remember the Mantra: [i]Blame 9/11 ... Blame Clinton ... Blame Moore ... Blame Kerry ... Blame 9/11 ... Blame Clinton ... Blame Moore ... Blame Kerry ... etc. etc. etc[/i].
Oh, WinstonSmith, don't you know that keeping Bush's AWOL Military Records, the House of Bush's adulterous affairs with the House of Saud, plans for a war on Iran based upon the same lies as their war on Iraq, Bush/Cheney's lies about non-existent WMDs, [i]as well as [/i]Cheney's oh-so-secret "meetings" with his Energy Cronies from Big Corporations like Enron, Halliburton, etc. including Kenny-boy (Enron) Lay is helping out our [i]"National Security"[/i], in the bizarre world according to the Nobel-Prize-Winner ([i]sic, sic, sic[/i]) Reducto??? Oh, and be sure to say "[i]Fuck-It"[/i] alot Reducto: [i]That really helps [/i]bolster your oh-so-stupid diatribes ...
[b][u]UPDATE[/u]:[i]
These days, it's Dan Rather and CBS news who come in for more of noguru, stepdad, reducto, deshanews and other neo-con fascist's blame ... They don't seem to give a damn about the carnage in Iraq-- no health care for tens of millions of Americans-- highest deficit spending in our nation's history, etc. etc. etc. ... Nope, they sure like rolling around in the mud and slime instead, spreading their vicious lies and slander ...[/i]
[b]'Cause nothin' that [i]goes wrong [/i]could possibly be Dubya, the Useful Idiot's[i] fault[/i], right???[/b]
[b]Of course, we might ask if an over-indulgence of Cheetos & Mountain Dew contributes to brain-damage ... but that's for another day ... Rumor has it that noguru, stepdad, reducto and deshanews are[i] busy as bees [/i]building a shrine to Adolf Hitler & the Nazis in reducto's Mommy's basement ... Does your mommy know about this, reducto? ... [/b]
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| ....... Bush Deploys 30,000 Troops to Ohio ....... |
| 09.14.04 (6:35 am) [edit] |
Swing States in the 2004 election have generated quite a lot of interest in both the Bush and Kerry campaigns. Although there are many undecided states in this year’s election, none is getting as much attention as Ohio, mainly because of the recent downsizing of over 170,000 jobs there. In an effort to win the electoral votes of this “battleground” state, President Bush has decided on making it an [b]actual[/b] battleground.
[b]Bush during press meeting on the "Restoration of Democracy in Ohio"[/b]
On August 5th 2004, Bush issued the following statement as a precursor for military action: “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
According to Bush; “By declaring war on Ohio, we will free people of the ‘buckeye’ state into voting for the appropriate Presidential Candidate. Now listen here, I can sweet talk those people all day by driving around in that van over there, and in the end, there is still a chance they could vote for the other guy. The only sure fire way of solidifying their vote is the complete removal of any activity by the Democratic Party. We have started by strategically placing troops near all Starbucks chains, Borders Books and Music Stores, various urban areas, and of course, all universities.”
When asked by the press if these measures might be a little extreme, President Bush had the following response (our editors have done the best they can to attempt to recreate the correct sentence structure of the Presidents speech); “Sometimes extreme times call for extreme measures. I’m a war President, you know? Listen here, it’s not easy being a war President, but if it means takes taking over Ohio to guarantee the safety of America and my Presidency, I’m game. Know what I mean?”
Since the decision of the extraction of the Democratic Party from Ohio would mean that John Kerry would be unable to successfully campaign there, we contacted a Kerry Representative for an appropriate response. After seven minutes of silence he issued the following statement: “Although Mr. Kerry is not in favor of the President taking over Ohio, he complies with him at this time, although he will change his position after several months and declare it a huge mistake. To which he will announce that the ‘W’ in George W. Bush stands for “wacky”.”
[i]Satire by george!, The Spoof[/i], http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ... John Kerry Captures Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan ... |
| 09.13.04 (6:33 am) [edit] |
ISLAMABAD. In a mighty strike to the core of infamous terror group Al-Qaeda, Democratic Presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry , assisted by a small privately contracted army of expert fighters and strategists, captured terrorist leader Osama bin Laden today. Kerry and his compact fighting force boarded a private jet after he was leaked classified information in a personal communication with Pentagon authorities. Though reports are unconfirmed it seems likely that intelligence officials acted on their conscience after Bush refused several times to respond to clear intelligence, responding only with intimidation tactics, which in the end were unsuccesful. It seems likely that the unreponsiveness of the commander-in-chief led still unnamed authorities to resort to illegally comissioning Senator Kerry to handle the job.
[i]Kerry Returns Triumphant[/i]
"I am proud to have done this service to America and the world," said Sen. John Kerry in a live press release, "My troops were courageous, and I'm proud to say the only people we were forced to kill were a few sleeping guards outside [Bin Laden's] canvas tent. Now the world can sleep more soundly and feel safer." He then added, "But there is more to security than catching a major terrorist. Other bin Ladens will appear. There will be evil acts of terror in the world as long as the United States and its allies continue to exercise hurtful and one-sided policies upon the rest of the world. We must be less greedy, consume in more effective ways, and seek to build proactive and mutually beneficial relationships with impoverished nations. We must offer the people of the Arab world an alternative to the mock-leadership of terrorist leaders. My fellow Americans, I ask you to vote your conscience in this election. The future of America, your future, and future of the world may depend on it."
John Kerry's favorability is up to 89% while Bush's ratings have dropped down to 5% according to the latest Wall Street Journal/Zogby International poll.
It is rumored that the whereabouts of Bin Laden were well-known in intelligence circles for weeks but that action had been withheld because President Bush had been waiting for a politically more strategic time to strike. According to the rumors an anonymous Pentagon source said, "The decision was a matter of conscience. I just couldn't sit by and watch this blue-blood president who has never been to war make a mockery of national security yet again."
Several major motion picture companies are currently vying for film rights for an action movie adaptation of the story.
[i]Satire by Select Distinct, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Donald Rumsfeld Mistakes Hussein for Bin Laden |
| 09.12.04 (8:18 am) [edit] |
[b]You’ve heard of Bushisms, well, now there are Rumsfeldisms.[/b]
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld mistook Saddam Hussein with Osama bin Laden not once, but twice in one speech. And this is supposed to be one of the most informed and educated military commanders in the world.
"[i]I only mentioned ONE of the two," claims Rumsfeld[/i].
Donald Rumsfeld said, “Saddam Hussein, if he’s alive, is spending a whale of a time of a lot of time trying not to get caught.” The White House later reported that Saddam Hussein has escaped from his captors, and is nowhere to be found. Reporters at The Washington Post did not believe them, and found Hussein in his jail pen. “Bush is the real criminal,” shouted ex-President Saddam Hussein, sitting on the toilet.
Again caught lying to the American people, the Bush administration has refused to apologize. “Mr. Rumsfeld said exactly what I would have said,” says Jeb Bush, who has defended his brother for sitting in that classroom for God knows how long when the nation was “under attack.”
President George W. Bush had this to say about Mr. Rumsfeld. “I believe that my Secretary of Defense, Dick Cheney, no Colin Powell, no, ummm Gale Norton? Ummm….Donald Rumsfeld, made an honest mistake that any of us could have made.”
This whole affair, however, raises the question: did the Bush administration attempt to link Saddam Hussein with Al-Queda without possessing evidence? President Bush replied, “Look, Al-Queda is all over Iraq now, therefore, they were before. End of story.” We asked him about the Al-Queda members in Germany, England, and even in the United States, and asked him if he would attack those countries. “Ummm, I’ll call you,” said President Bush.
Rumsfeld said that linking the two criminals was not his intention. “It is an easy mistake to make, like mistaking Bush and Cheney. I mean, which on is our leader?”
According to President Bush, Secretary Rumsfeld is going a, "great job at naming foreign leaders." Bush says he gets their names, "mixed up all the time."
“You think Rumsfeld is bad? I failed to mention Osama bin Laden once in my acceptance speech,” said President Bush.
[i]Satire by KDAnteater, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
[b]But [i]in reality [/i]the following report is [i]no[/i] joke-- Actually Reuters News reports "Rumsfeld Mixes Up U.S. Foes Saddam and Bin Laden", http://www.reuters.com/newsAr... ... A must-read bringing into question whether Rummy made a mistake, a freudian slip, or is cynically trying to perpetuate Karl Rove's Big Lie!!![/b]
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| Ahhh: Look at the Neo-Imperial Mad King George on 9/11 ... [Short Video] ... |
| 09.11.04 (6:24 am) [edit] |
[b]Watch 5-Minute Video of Dry-Drunk-Dubya on 9/11 Sitting There with his "Thumb-Up-His-Butt"!!![/b ]
[b]Dubya[i] didn't have a clue [/i]what to do on 9/11. Instead of acting like a real leader (o[i]r even like a sane person[/i]), the Dry-Drunk Imbecile http://www.tblog.com/template... sat dumbfounded in a classroom with his proverbial "[i]thumb-up-his-butt[/i] "! Dubya [i]didn't even seem to consider [/i]that he should [i]get up off his poxxy-ass [/i]and see what had to be done to [i]protect[/i] our nation-- (At the time none of us knew, [i]unless the corrupt Bushies really knew in advance & let 9/11 attacks happen[/i], the potential extent of the attacks!) [/i][/b]
Somebody [i]with brains [/i]would have canceled the classroom photo-op and calmly told the Teacher and Kids that he had some important business to attend to. [i]Jesus Christ![/i] I've seen people far less powerful and important than the Prez of the USA do [i]that much[/i]! The [i]stupid propaganda tale [/i]perpetuated by Karl[i] 'Joseph Goebbles' [/i]Rove & their neo-con toadies is that Dubya didn't want to[i] "panic" [/i]people and it is a load of horse-shit. People with [i]even half-a-brain [/i]can calmly excuse themselves without causing panic, and if Dubya can't do [i]that much[/i] then he's so mentally unstable that he should be diagnosed as clinically incompetent and removed from office [i]ASAP[/i]-- What a [i]bunch of fools [/i]the neo-cons and their mad-dog toadies are to[i] think [/i]that they can bamboozle[i] all[/i] of us!
What an incompetent and stupid asshole Dubya truly is:-- The Dry-Drunk-Dubya goes into the classroom knowing the 1st WTC tower has been hit-- When told by Andy Card that the 2nd WTC tower has been hit and that the USA is under attack, the buffoon-boy sits there with a mindless look on his imbecilic smirking-face and[i] waits until they tell him [/i]that [i]it's time to go[/i]! But then Cheney and Rove [i]weren't there to give [/i]Dubya his script, [i]so he didn't act, but just sat there [/i]with a foolishly blank expression on his dumb-bell face during the worst attack upon America in modern times. This idiot[i] ain't fit [/i]to be called president of[i] anything[/i]!
[b]I guess Dubya thought reading "My Pet Goat" http://s89194761.onlinehome.u... was the most important thing in the world although millions of us might have been wiped-out!!![/b]
Go to [i]5-Minute Video of George W. Bush on the Morning of 9/11[/i] http://www.thememoryhole.org/...
[b]Courtesy of CheckItOut http://checkitout.tblog.com [/b]
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| ... Cheney: “A Vote for Kerry is a Vote for Terror” ... |
| 09.10.04 (7:09 am) [edit] |
[i]"You never change horses in mid-stream," Cheney told supporters Tuesday.[/i]
Des Moines, IA (AP) --Vice President Cheney warned the American people on Tuesday that if John Kerry is elected this November, “then the terrorists will have already won.”
Appearing before a crowd in Des Moines, Iowa, Cheney issued the boldest statement yet linking the Democratic presidential hopeful to future terrorist attacks. “A vote for John Kerry is a vote for terror. A vote for the president is a vote for freedom. The choice is yours to make because we live in a democracy,” Cheney told cheering supporters outside of a local grocery store.
“That may not be the case after four years of John Kerry,” he added.
In his speech, which has already been dubbed the “Make Your Choice” address, Cheney detailed how electing Kerry would show weakness to foreign terrorists. “When I was a boy growing up in Wyoming, I learned a thing or two about how to survive in tough times,” Cheney told the crowd. “I learned that you never change horses in mid stream, and that’s exactly what you would be doing if you elect John Kerry.”
“You know it. I know it. And the terrorists know it too,” the vice president said. “And if you think that they’ll pass up the opportunity to attack this great land during a change of administration, let me tell you you’ve got another thing coming.”
Speaking at a campaign stop in Columbus, Ohio, Kerry swiftly responded to Cheney’s attack. “If elected, I pledge that I will do my best to protect American against any violence that may follow my election,” Kerry told supporters. He went on to outline a fifteen-point policy plan to install radiation detectors at US ports, increase the number of border patrol agents, install new biometric technology at all US entry-points, strengthen local police and fire forces, improve healthcare for every American, and create more jobs in the nation’s struggling manufacturing sector.
“This plan will ensure that any casualties from a post-election terror attack are kept to an absolute minimum,” Kerry said.
Upon hearing Kerry’s proposal, Bush Campaign Spokesman Danny Diaz responded, “If you want to see another 3,000 freedom-loving Americans brutally slaughtered by Islamic terrorists then by all means cast a vote for Kerry.”
[i]Satire by GWB, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ... NEW STUDY REPORTS:-- Stupid People Love Bush (Correlation with Low I.Q.) ... |
| 09.09.04 (6:27 am) [edit] |
[b]Stupid people love Bush
New study shows correlation between decline of IQ and rise of GOP[/b]
"Stupid people love Bush" new study proves According to the prestigious Southern California think tank, The Gluton Group, stupid people prefer President George W Bush over Senator John Kerry by a 4-to-1 margin. As Chief Resident Dr. Louis Friend characterized the results of the research, "the less intelligent you are, the more you like Bush." This landmark study, conducted over a 5 month period, involved 2400 likely voters bridging all economic stratas in the 17 states generally considered up for grabs on November 2nd. Participants were tested for intelligence, then asked to fill out a 12 page series of questions involving the Presidential candidates with results released earlier this week.
The consensus: the higher the IQ, the less people trust Bush and respect the job his administration has done. The lower the IQ, the more people admire his steadfastness. "It was pretty much a slam dunk. There's no nice way to say this. Dumb people like him. They think his unwavering nature is a positive personality trait. They even venerate him for never admitting mistakes, even when he's wrong. On the other hand, smart people think he's a lying bully. I mean, c'mon, you have a deserter accusing a decorated veteran of treason. Who's going to buy that besides stupid people?"
Preliminary results:
IQ Above 140: Kerry 80%, Bush 20%.
120-140: Kerry 65%, Bush 35%.
100-120: Kerry 54%, Bush 46%.
80-100: Bush 54%, Kerry 46%.
60-80: Bush 60%, Kerry 15%, Dale Earnhardt Jr. 25%.
Apparently Bush's good-evil, black-white philosophy resonates on an inverse relationship with higher education, whereas it became evident over the period of analysis that John Kerry's nuanced arguments are only understood by people who paid attention in any class above the 5th grade.
Doctor Friend elaborated: "It has to do with intellectual curiosity. Folks see Bush in front of a stream talking about the environment and they assume he's in favor of it, even though if you read his legislation, I'd be surprised to hear him endorse shade. This also explains why Bush gets away with pretending he doesn't know how the Senate works, allowing him to call Kerry a flip-flopper."
Friend released evidence that this type of disconnect exists across the board: education, foreign policy, the economy, post 9-11 security response and State Dinner entertainment choices. Also discovered was a direct correlation between the number of preset Country Western stations on car radios and Bush's approval rating. Dr. Friend attributes this phenomena to the simplicity inherent in the messages indigenous to both. Classical music listeners were preponderantly Kerry supporters, but surprisingly, on heavy metal, the two split down the middle.
Spotting a trend, Friend cautioned, "Because of the deterioration in public education, larger and larger segments of the population are creeping downward IQ-wise, cementing the hold Republicans have on the electorate." However, if the election were held today, Bush would hold a lead of 52-48 in the popular vote, but would be virtually tied in the Electoral College, which Bush supporters argue against because the word College angers them. When contacted, a Kerry spokesman just chuckled. No Bush spokesperson was made available for comment. It was also found that Ralph Nader supporters were the brightest of all political proponents tested, but Dr. Friend dismissed them as "too smart for their own good."
In a related study, smart people prefer baseball because the pace is such that there is time to read. [i]Will Durst has two country western stations preset on his car radio. Okay, no he doesn't[/i].
[i]Satire by Will Durst[/i]: http://www.workingforchange.c...
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| ... Ashcroft Nukes Onion Compound! WAR ON SATIRE Continues ... |
| 09.09.04 (6:22 am) [edit] |
Unconfirmed sources report that the government has dropped a tactical nuclear weapon on the Onion compound. The initial assault on the compound ended after over 400 days when the military pulled out and declared victory. We now know the retreat was merely paving the way for the governments final solution to this security situation.
Military sources confirm that at 4:20 am est an F-15e attack fighter dropped a single 10 kilo-ton on the target. The bomb detonated 100 ft over the target and devastated the compound. The crater left by the explosion is 300 feet across and 50 feet deep. Every structure within 15 miles of the compound has been destroyed. A cloud of radio active dust is spreading across the northern plains tonight, but FEMA has assured the country that the fall out "Won't be bad at all. So don't worry about it."
Mr Bush spoke at the White House two hours after the blast. "The brave men and women of the US Air Force have accomplished a dangerous mission for the American people today. They're brave actions in the face of a determined enemy of the state has ended a nation security crisis. Americans can drink their coffee and feel a little safer this morning because of our troops brave service. The menace posed by The ONION, Americans Finest New Source, has ended. I would also like to thank John Ashcroft for his unwavering service in THE WAR ON SATIRE. Johns' brave service to the nation has saved us from a plague of satire sleeper cells."
"America is not yet safe from this satirical menace!" said Ashcroft after Mr Bush's speech. "There are still many many rocks to turn over and satirists to flush out."
One Washington insiders has declared the victory over the Onion a decisive blow in THE WAR ON SATIRE. "The siege of the Onion compound has been the administrations' most high profile action thus far in THE WAR ON SATIRE, its successful conclusion will give a real boost to the administration. This is especially important in an election year when Americans really need to see some progress in the war. I expect to see THE WAR ON SATIRE grow in importance as the election nears and a the administration keeps having successes."
THE WAR ON SATIRE continues tonight as federal and local law enforcement agents fan out to secretly arrest and detain satirists. Unconfirmed sources report that over 8,000 satirists have been rounded up and are being pressured by national guardsmen to surrender more of their colleagues.
[i]Satire by Karim Motawi, Unconfirmed Sources[/i]: http://www.unconfirmedsources...
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| Fox (Fixed) News Calls Election Results 2 Months Ahead of Time! (We're Told: Why Vote?) ... |
| 09.08.04 (6:56 am) [edit] |
[b]Fox News Confirms George W Bush Wins 2004 Presidential Election[/b]
[b]Fox is first Network to call Bush winner (again)[/b]
The Fox News Network took the unprecedented step of calling the 2004 US Presidential election result as a win for incumbent Republican George W Bush, almost 2 months before a single vote has been cast, and three weeks before the first televised debate, last night.
Fox was the first to announce that George W Bush won in 2000, although it was quite a while until the vote counters caught up.
The confirmed Fox News 2004 result is surprisingly similar to in 2000, but with New Mexico back in the Republican fold.
Fox Director of News and Merchandising, Herb Balaclava told reporters:
"[i]This is yet another first for our network and simply shows those liberal pansies in the other networks who is the man... As if anyone needed to be told[/i]."
Analysts at the other networks were sitting in stunned silence last night, "pretty much like they were in 2000", another Fox spokesman smirked at us.
[i]Satire by theVoiceofReason[/i]: http://www.thevoiceofreason.c...
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| Neo-Fascist NOGURU's New Low: Attacks Reporting Facts on Bush's Death Toll of 1000 U.S. Soldiers! |
| 09.07.04 (3:28 pm) [edit] |
[b]Who is to blame for Bush's disastrous failures in Iraq, Afghanistan and around the world (and here in the good ole' USA) and leaving America terribly vulnerable to terrorist attacks???[/b]
[b]For Whom The BLAME Tolls!!![/b]
Blame Clinton...
Blame 9/11...
Blame the Media...
Blame Paul O'Neill...
Blame the Liberals...
Blame Richard Clarke...
Blame the Press...
Blame Joseph Wilson...
Blame John F. Kerry...
Blame the Gays...
Blame Al Gore...
Blame Pro-Choice Women...
Blame Ret. General Zinni...
Blame the Palestinians...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame the Iraqis themselves...
Blame the Liberals again...
Blame Working people...
Blame the Democrats...
Blame Al Gore again...
Blame the BBC...
Blame the French...
Blame Hollywood...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame the Germans...
Blame Iran...
Blame NPR...
Blame Ralph Nader...
Blame Hillary...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame Working Moms...
Blame the Russians...
Blame Syria...
Blame the Media again...
Blame Amnesty International...
Blame People Who Take Pictures...
Blame the Red Cross...
Blame George Soros...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Noam Chomsky...
Blame China...
Blame Gore Vidal...
Blame Michael Moore...
Blame Liberals again...
Blame the Left...
Blame the Muslims...
Blame Bill Moyers...
Blame U.S. Military "Bad Apples"...
Blame Whistle-blowers...
Blame the Press again...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Ted Kennedy...
Blame the U.S. Constitution...
Blame Robert Byrd...
Blame the Geneva Conventions...
Blame Paul Krugman...
Blame the Bill of Rights...
Blame Maureen Dowd...
Blame Warren Buffet...
Blame the Environmental Whackos...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame the AFL-CIO...
Blame Science...
Blame Scientists...
Blame those Who Love The Planet...
Blame Intellectuals...
Blame the Environmental Protection Agency...
Blame the Media again...
Blame the Rule of Law...
Blame Left-Wing Tbloggers: WhyNot, WinstonSmith, SamAdams, DianneMaire, CheckItOut, SpyMaster, PatriotActs, CarteBlanche, IconoclasticDeer, therealspartacus007, DrForbush, LittleMrMahatma, UsefulIdiot, jimmytherighteous, whoisjohngalt, jesusisangry, DragonBait22, etc....
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame PBS...
Blame NEA...
Blame Public School Teachers...
Blame Protestors...
Blame Free Speech Advocates...
Blame the United Nations...
Blame the Ragheads, Wogs & Other Minorities...
Blame History, Geography, Culture & Knowledge...
Blame the Media again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Kerry again for lying ('cause Bush sure doesn't!!!) ...
Blame Free-Speech Advocates...
Blame Thinking People (Liberals & Conservatives) who don't like Rush Limbaugh...
Blame John McCain...
Blame Republicans Against Bush...
Blame Liberals again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 over and over again...
Blame Working People for wanting to be paid Overtime while CEOs rake in Hundreds of Millions in Golden-Pay-Packets...
Blame the Left again for wanting to hold Bush accountable...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 over and over and over again...
Blame Other Liberal Tbloggers like Question, SisterTalk, WhyNot, SpyMaster, WinstonSmith & SamAdams again ...
Blame George Tenet...
Blame the CIA again...
Blame the Liberals again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame the Lefties who don't worship Ronald Reagan...
Blame the Lefties who uncover Bush-GOP lies about Kerry...
Blame Richard Clarke again...
Blame Clinton over and over again...
Blame the Liberals over and over again...
Blame 9/11 over and over and over and over again...
Blame Sandy Berger over and over and over and over again...
Blame Michael Moore and Linda Ronstadt and the Dixie Chicks over and over and over again...
Blame Teresa Heinz-Kerry now...
[b]If all else fails dont' forget to blame Michael Moore over and over and over again ... [i]Fahrenheit 9/11 [/i]must be the real cause of all of our problems ...[/b]
Oh, and don't forget to blame the Left for not choosing to believe Bush's lies about phony WMDs, Bush's lies about non-existent links between Iraq & Al Qaeda; Bush's deceptions about his regime's support of murder-torture-rape-abuse of prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, in Afghanistan and in Iraq (including Abu Ghraib) http://www.tblog.com/template... -- The list of Bush's lies is endless, but blame those who don't believe them...
Oh, and don't forget to say "[u]Fuck-Yourself[/u]" to anyone who doesn't worship Bush and Cheney as Gods ...
Remember the Mantra: [i]Blame 9/11 ... Blame Clinton ... Blame Moore ... Blame Kerry ... Blame 9/11 ... Blame Clinton ... Blame Moore ... Blame Kerry ... etc. etc. etc[/i].
Oh, WinstonSmith, don't you know that keeping Bush's AWOL Military Records, the House of Bush's adulterous affairs with the House of Saud, plans for a war on Iran based upon the same lies as their war on Iraq, Bush/Cheney's lies about non-existent WMDs, [i]as well as [/i]Cheney's oh-so-secret "meetings" with his Energy Cronies from Big Corporations like Enron, Halliburton, etc. including Kenny-boy (Enron) Lay is helping out our [i]"National Security"[/i], in the bizarre world according to the Nobel-Prize-Winner ([i]sic, sic, sic[/i]) Reducto??? Oh, and be sure to say "[i]Fuck-It"[/i] alot Reducto: [i]That really helps [/i]bolster your oh-so-stupid diatribes ...
NOW it's that time of year for Reducto, Noguru, stepdad and the other Tblogging Neo-Cons [i]to blame [/i]Bill Clinton and Sandy Berger [for a 6-month-old investigation into taking copies of documents (the originals are still in the National Archives)] [i]for all of their problems [/i]... That'll sure make Bush, Cheney & Rice [i]happy[/i] since it takes everybody's mind off of the Bushites' cover-up of little children being sodomized http://www.tblog.com/template... at Abu Ghraib!!! [i]Ain't that nice??? [/i]...
[b][u]UPDATE[/u]:[i]
I JUST WANTED TO LET deshanews, Noguru, Reducto, stepdad, brogonzo and all of the other Tblog neo-con fascists know that Rocky, the Tblog administrator says it's okay http://www.tblog.com/template... for everybody ([i]I guess that includes you guys too[/i]) to be posting blogs using different Tblog identities!!! He says "[i]a lot of people do it"[/i]! ... So go guys go-- keep on posting under different Tblog identities!!! [i]I don't care!!! [/i]I [i]really[/i] don't!!! It's pretty obvious that many ([i]if not all[/i]) of you guys [i]are spawned from each other [/i]and [i]stand-in for each other [/i]and that there are alot of clones and spawns of clones out there among you...!!![/i]
Also you neo-con crazies go on attacking other Tbloggers when your flacid, indefensible screed is exposed as bullshit!!! ... IT'S YOUR USUAL DIVERSIONARY TACTIC!!!
... Tblog Neo-Fascist Clones deshanews=stepdad=noguru Use SS Nazi-style Tactics To Lie About Liberals Tbloggers in Order to Silence Them! These Ugly, Nasty Thugs don't understand Americans who value freedom of speech and while they follow the gutter-politics of falsely smearing others, I suspect that the Tblog Liberals are made of sterner stuff and won't be silenced! Resorting to Karl Rove's low-life politics seems to be all these pitiful garbage-mouths comprehend! [Of course it could be simpler than that! It could be that it's the only way that deshanews=stepdad=noguru get any attention because no one with brains will otherwise read their Bush/Cheney neo-con propaganda picked-up from Rush Limbaugh, WND, Drudge and other goons!]
deshanews is [i]One Crazy Hypocritical Fuck [/i](alongside stepdad, noguru, etc.) who sanctimoniously lectures us all about civility and condemns hate-speak-- and yet this [i]Crazy Fuck[/i] prints lies about other Tbloggers while not publishing his own hate-filled screed that prompts angry reactions!!! Yet, this asshole claims to be a "Christian"!!! What kind of "Christianity" is deshanews representing??? Not the kind any sane man respects!!!
Noguru just published another one of his vile neo-nazi diatribes because he wants to be the[i] only one [/i]publishing on Tblog-- and doesn't believe in democracy or reporting the facts! Noguru's hateful screed is full of lies against Kerry and fascist propaganda he picks-up and regurgitates from Karl Rove! Noguru can't stand the fact that liberals fight back!!! [i]Tough Shit[/i]!!!
Noguru, deshanews, reducto, stepdad and others really are in need of psychological counseling as well as some lessons in US History, Democracy, Freedom of Speech, Ethics, Integrity, Science, Economics, etc.-- because apparently these self-annointed so-called "Christians" [[i]sic[/i]], [i]really[/i] Fascists think that it's okay for them to spread lies, smears, libels, slanders and other obscenities and that no one is going to FIGHT BACK!!! [i]That Really Is Sick[/i]!!!
These Neo-Con Fascist assholes act like they [i]own[/i] Tblog!!!
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL [/b]
[b]'Cause nothin' that [i]goes wrong [/i]could possibly be Dubya, the Useful Idiot's[i] fault[/i], right???[/b]
[b]Of course, we might ask if an over-indulgence of Cheetos & Mountain Dew contributes to brain-damage ... but that's for another day ...[/b]
|
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| |
| --->>> PRESIDENT BUSH: Hurricane Frances Like A Bad Case Of Hemorrhoids (He'd Know!) |
| 09.07.04 (6:24 am) [edit] |
President Bush today compared Hurricane Frances to a "bad case of hemorrhoids," while speaking at a campaign rally.
"Just like my hemorrhoids, Hurricane Frances has been slowly inflicting excruciating pain across the sate of Florida," said Bush.
"My ass bleeds for the people of Florida," the President snickered, and snickered and snickered.
Bush said the fact that Hurricane Frances has been "hanging" over Florida for so long, it reminded him of his own "hanging hemorrhoids," which he says have been responsible for recent headaches he's been suffering from.
"The funny thing is, when I wipe my butt, my headache gets worse," said Bush.
Bush said he knows how the people of Florida feel, and offered them comfort. "I feel your pain, and I'd like to offer the people of Florida reassurances that I will do everything to help you with your pain."
Bush then pointed to a tube of "Preparation H", which he dubbed, 'Preparation Hurricane.' He then snickered, and snickered, and again, snickered, followed by yet another snicker, and he then pointed to someone in the crowd, and began nodding his head, over and over and over again, finally, the display ended, to the relief of his hemorrhoids.
Bush also said Hurricane Frances demonstrated the need to ensure Florida rid itself of antiquated punch type voting machines and replace them with new high-tech electronic machines.
"If a hurricane like Frances hit Florida during the last election, there wouldn't have been any hanging chads, which would have meant all those ballots would have counted, and if that were the case, I wouldn't be here addressing you today," said Bush.
[i]Satire by DailyHog[/i]: http://www.dailyhog.com/hurri...
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| Neo-Nazi Noguru Vomits Fascist Bile to Stop Free Speech along with Clones Reducto=deshanews, etc. |
| 09.07.04 (4:28 am) [edit] |
[b]Who is to blame for Bush's disastrous failures in Iraq, Afghanistan and around the world (and here in the good ole' USA) and leaving America terribly vulnerable to terrorist attacks???[/b]
[b]For Whom The BLAME Tolls!!![/b]
Blame Clinton...
Blame 9/11...
Blame the Media...
Blame Paul O'Neill...
Blame the Liberals...
Blame Richard Clarke...
Blame the Press...
Blame Joseph Wilson...
Blame John F. Kerry...
Blame the Gays...
Blame Al Gore...
Blame Pro-Choice Women...
Blame Ret. General Zinni...
Blame the Palestinians...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame the Iraqis themselves...
Blame the Liberals again...
Blame Working people...
Blame the Democrats...
Blame Al Gore again...
Blame the BBC...
Blame the French...
Blame Hollywood...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame the Germans...
Blame Iran...
Blame NPR...
Blame Ralph Nader...
Blame Hillary...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame Working Moms...
Blame the Russians...
Blame Syria...
Blame the Media again...
Blame Amnesty International...
Blame People Who Take Pictures...
Blame the Red Cross...
Blame George Soros...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Noam Chomsky...
Blame China...
Blame Gore Vidal...
Blame Michael Moore...
Blame Liberals again...
Blame the Left...
Blame the Muslims...
Blame Bill Moyers...
Blame U.S. Military "Bad Apples"...
Blame Whistle-blowers...
Blame the Press again...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Ted Kennedy...
Blame the U.S. Constitution...
Blame Robert Byrd...
Blame the Geneva Conventions...
Blame Paul Krugman...
Blame the Bill of Rights...
Blame Maureen Dowd...
Blame Warren Buffet...
Blame the Environmental Whackos...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame the AFL-CIO...
Blame Science...
Blame Scientists...
Blame those Who Love The Planet...
Blame Intellectuals...
Blame the Environmental Protection Agency...
Blame the Media again...
Blame the Rule of Law...
Blame Left-Wing Tbloggers: WhyNot, WinstonSmith, SamAdams, DianneMaire, CheckItOut, SpyMaster, PatriotActs, CarteBlanche, IconoclasticDeer, therealspartacus007, DrForbush, LittleMrMahatma, UsefulIdiot, jimmytherighteous, whoisjohngalt, jesusisangry, DragonBait22, etc....
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame PBS...
Blame NEA...
Blame Public School Teachers...
Blame Protestors...
Blame Free Speech Advocates...
Blame the United Nations...
Blame the Ragheads, Wogs & Other Minorities...
Blame History, Geography, Culture & Knowledge...
Blame the Media again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Kerry again for lying ('cause Bush sure doesn't!!!) ...
Blame Free-Speech Advocates...
Blame Thinking People (Liberals & Conservatives) who don't like Rush Limbaugh...
Blame John McCain...
Blame Republicans Against Bush...
Blame Liberals again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 over and over again...
Blame Working People for wanting to be paid Overtime while CEOs rake in Hundreds of Millions in Golden-Pay-Packets...
Blame the Left again for wanting to hold Bush accountable...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 over and over and over again...
Blame Other Liberal Tbloggers like Question, SisterTalk, WhyNot, SpyMaster, WinstonSmith & SamAdams again ...
Blame George Tenet...
Blame the CIA again...
Blame the Liberals again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame the Lefties who don't worship Ronald Reagan...
Blame the Lefties who uncover Bush-GOP lies about Kerry...
Blame Richard Clarke again...
Blame Clinton over and over again...
Blame the Liberals over and over again...
Blame 9/11 over and over and over and over again...
Blame Sandy Berger over and over and over and over again...
Blame Michael Moore and Linda Ronstadt and the Dixie Chicks over and over and over again...
Blame Teresa Heinz-Kerry now...
[b]If all else fails dont' forget to blame Michael Moore over and over and over again ... [i]Fahrenheit 9/11 [/i]must be the real cause of all of our problems ...[/b]
Oh, and don't forget to blame the Left for not choosing to believe Bush's lies about phony WMDs, Bush's lies about non-existent links between Iraq & Al Qaeda; Bush's deceptions about his regime's support of murder-torture-rape-abuse of prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, in Afghanistan and in Iraq (including Abu Ghraib) http://www.tblog.com/template... -- The list of Bush's lies is endless, but blame those who don't believe them...
Oh, and don't forget to say "[u]Fuck-Yourself[/u]" to anyone who doesn't worship Bush and Cheney as Gods ...
Remember the Mantra: [i]Blame 9/11 ... Blame Clinton ... Blame Moore ... Blame Kerry ... Blame 9/11 ... Blame Clinton ... Blame Moore ... Blame Kerry ... etc. etc. etc[/i].
Oh, WinstonSmith, don't you know that keeping Bush's AWOL Military Records, the House of Bush's adulterous affairs with the House of Saud, plans for a war on Iran based upon the same lies as their war on Iraq, Bush/Cheney's lies about non-existent WMDs, [i]as well as [/i]Cheney's oh-so-secret "meetings" with his Energy Cronies from Big Corporations like Enron, Halliburton, etc. including Kenny-boy (Enron) Lay is helping out our [i]"National Security"[/i], in the bizarre world according to the Nobel-Prize-Winner ([i]sic, sic, sic[/i]) Reducto??? Oh, and be sure to say "[i]Fuck-It"[/i] alot Reducto: [i]That really helps [/i]bolster your oh-so-stupid diatribes ...
NOW it's that time of year for Reducto, Noguru, stepdad and the other Tblogging Neo-Cons [i]to blame [/i]Bill Clinton and Sandy Berger [for a 6-month-old investigation into taking copies of documents (the originals are still in the National Archives)] [i]for all of their problems [/i]... That'll sure make Bush, Cheney & Rice [i]happy[/i] since it takes everybody's mind off of the Bushites' cover-up of little children being sodomized http://www.tblog.com/template... at Abu Ghraib!!! [i]Ain't that nice??? [/i]...
[b][u]UPDATE[/u]:[i]
I JUST WANTED TO LET deshanews, Noguru, Reducto, stepdad, brogonzo and all of the other Tblog neo-con fascists know that Rocky, the Tblog administrator says it's okay http://www.tblog.com/template... for everybody ([i]I guess that includes you guys too[/i]) to be posting blogs using different Tblog identities!!! He says "[i]a lot of people do it"[/i]! ... So go guys go-- keep on posting under different Tblog identities!!! [i]I don't care!!! [/i]I [i]really[/i] don't!!! It's pretty obvious that many ([i]if not all[/i]) of you guys [i]are spawned from each other [/i]and [i]stand-in for each other [/i]and that there are alot of clones and spawns of clones out there among you...!!![/i]
Also you neo-con crazies go on attacking other Tbloggers when your flacid, indefensible screed is exposed as bullshit!!! ... IT'S YOUR USUAL DIVERSIONARY TACTIC!!!
... Tblog Neo-Fascist Clones deshanews=stepdad=noguru Use SS Nazi-style Tactics To Lie About Liberals Tbloggers in Order to Silence Them! These Ugly, Nasty Thugs don't understand Americans who value freedom of speech and while they follow the gutter-politics of falsely smearing others, I suspect that the Tblog Liberals are made of sterner stuff and won't be silenced! Resorting to Karl Rove's low-life politics seems to be all these pitiful garbage-mouths comprehend! [Of course it could be simpler than that! It could be that it's the only way that deshanews=stepdad=noguru get any attention because no one with brains will otherwise read their Bush/Cheney neo-con propaganda picked-up from Rush Limbaugh, WND, Drudge and other goons!]
deshanews is [i]One Crazy Hypocritical Fuck [/i](alongside stepdad, noguru, etc.) who sanctimoniously lectures us all about civility and condemns hate-speak-- and yet this [i]Crazy Fuck[/i] prints lies about other Tbloggers while not publishing his own hate-filled screed that prompts angry reactions!!! Yet, this asshole claims to be a "Christian"!!! What kind of "Christianity" is deshanews representing??? Not the kind any sane man respects!!!
Noguru just published another one of his vile neo-nazi diatribes because he wants to be the[i] only one [/i]publishing on Tblog! Noguru's hateful screed is full of lies against Kerry and fascist propaganda he picks-up and regurgitates from Karl Rove! Noguru can't stand the fact that liberals fight back!!! [i]Tough Shit[/i]!!!
Noguru, deshanews, reducto, stepdad and others really are in need of psychological counseling as well as some lessons in US History, Democracy, Freedom of Speech, Ethics, Integrity, Science, Economics, etc.-- because apparently these self-annointed so-called "Christians" [[i]sic[/i]], [i]really[/i] Fascists think that it's okay for them to spread lies, smears, libels, slanders and other obscenities and that no one is going to FIGHT BACK!!! [i]That Really Is Sick[/i]!!!
These Neo-Con Fascist assholes act like they [i]own[/i] Tblog!!!
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL [/b]
[b]'Cause nothin' that [i]goes wrong [/i]could possibly be Dubya, the Useful Idiot's[i] fault[/i], right???[/b]
[b]Of course, we might ask if an over-indulgence of Cheetos & Mountain Dew contributes to brain-damage ... but that's for another day ...[/b]
|
|
|
| |
| ... I'm Reducto=deshanews=Noguru: Neo-Fascism is My New Religion & A'W'OL=GOD!!! |
| 09.07.04 (3:45 am) [edit] |
[b]Who is to blame for Bush's disastrous failures in Iraq, Afghanistan and around the world (and here in the good ole' USA) and leaving America terribly vulnerable to terrorist attacks???[/b]
[b]For Whom The BLAME Tolls!!![/b]
Blame Clinton...
Blame 9/11...
Blame the Media...
Blame Paul O'Neill...
Blame the Liberals...
Blame Richard Clarke...
Blame the Press...
Blame Joseph Wilson...
Blame John F. Kerry...
Blame the Gays...
Blame Al Gore...
Blame Pro-Choice Women...
Blame Ret. General Zinni...
Blame the Palestinians...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame the Iraqis themselves...
Blame the Liberals again...
Blame Working people...
Blame the Democrats...
Blame Al Gore again...
Blame the BBC...
Blame the French...
Blame Hollywood...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame the Germans...
Blame Iran...
Blame NPR...
Blame Ralph Nader...
Blame Hillary...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame Working Moms...
Blame the Russians...
Blame Syria...
Blame the Media again...
Blame Amnesty International...
Blame People Who Take Pictures...
Blame the Red Cross...
Blame George Soros...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Noam Chomsky...
Blame China...
Blame Gore Vidal...
Blame Michael Moore...
Blame Liberals again...
Blame the Left...
Blame the Muslims...
Blame Bill Moyers...
Blame U.S. Military "Bad Apples"...
Blame Whistle-blowers...
Blame the Press again...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Ted Kennedy...
Blame the U.S. Constitution...
Blame Robert Byrd...
Blame the Geneva Conventions...
Blame Paul Krugman...
Blame the Bill of Rights...
Blame Maureen Dowd...
Blame Warren Buffet...
Blame the Environmental Whackos...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame the AFL-CIO...
Blame Science...
Blame Scientists...
Blame those Who Love The Planet...
Blame Intellectuals...
Blame the Environmental Protection Agency...
Blame the Media again...
Blame the Rule of Law...
Blame Left-Wing Tbloggers: WhyNot, WinstonSmith, SamAdams, DianneMaire, CheckItOut, SpyMaster, PatriotActs, CarteBlanche, IconoclasticDeer, therealspartacus007, DrForbush, LittleMrMahatma, UsefulIdiot, jimmytherighteous, whoisjohngalt, jesusisangry, DragonBait22, etc....
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame PBS...
Blame NEA...
Blame Public School Teachers...
Blame Protestors...
Blame Free Speech Advocates...
Blame the United Nations...
Blame the Ragheads, Wogs & Other Minorities...
Blame History, Geography, Culture & Knowledge...
Blame the Media again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 again...
Blame Kerry again for lying ('cause Bush sure doesn't!!!) ...
Blame Free-Speech Advocates...
Blame Thinking People (Liberals & Conservatives) who don't like Rush Limbaugh...
Blame John McCain...
Blame Republicans Against Bush...
Blame Liberals again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 over and over again...
Blame Working People for wanting to be paid Overtime while CEOs rake in Hundreds of Millions in Golden-Pay-Packets...
Blame the Left again for wanting to hold Bush accountable...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame 9/11 over and over and over again...
Blame Other Liberal Tbloggers like Question, SisterTalk, WhyNot, SpyMaster, WinstonSmith & SamAdams again ...
Blame George Tenet...
Blame the CIA again...
Blame the Liberals again...
Blame Clinton again...
Blame the Lefties who don't worship Ronald Reagan...
Blame the Lefties who uncover Bush-GOP lies about Kerry...
Blame Richard Clarke again...
Blame Clinton over and over again...
Blame the Liberals over and over again...
Blame 9/11 over and over and over and over again...
Blame Sandy Berger over and over and over and over again...
Blame Michael Moore and Linda Ronstadt and the Dixie Chicks over and over and over again...
Blame Teresa Heinz-Kerry now...
[b]If all else fails dont' forget to blame Michael Moore over and over and over again ... [i]Fahrenheit 9/11 [/i]must be the real cause of all of our problems ...[/b]
Oh, and don't forget to blame the Left for not choosing to believe Bush's lies about phony WMDs, Bush's lies about non-existent links between Iraq & Al Qaeda; Bush's deceptions about his regime's support of murder-torture-rape-abuse of prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, in Afghanistan and in Iraq (including Abu Ghraib) http://www.tblog.com/template... -- The list of Bush's lies is endless, but blame those who don't believe them...
Oh, and don't forget to say "[u]Fuck-Yourself[/u]" to anyone who doesn't worship Bush and Cheney as Gods ...
Remember the Mantra: [i]Blame 9/11 ... Blame Clinton ... Blame Moore ... Blame Kerry ... Blame 9/11 ... Blame Clinton ... Blame Moore ... Blame Kerry ... etc. etc. etc[/i].
Oh, WinstonSmith, don't you know that keeping Bush's AWOL Military Records, the House of Bush's adulterous affairs with the House of Saud, plans for a war on Iran based upon the same lies as their war on Iraq, Bush/Cheney's lies about non-existent WMDs, [i]as well as [/i]Cheney's oh-so-secret "meetings" with his Energy Cronies from Big Corporations like Enron, Halliburton, etc. including Kenny-boy (Enron) Lay is helping out our [i]"National Security"[/i], in the bizarre world according to the Nobel-Prize-Winner ([i]sic, sic, sic[/i]) Reducto??? Oh, and be sure to say "[i]Fuck-It"[/i] alot Reducto: [i]That really helps [/i]bolster your oh-so-stupid diatribes ...
NOW it's that time of year for Reducto, Noguru, stepdad and the other Tblogging Neo-Cons [i]to blame [/i]Bill Clinton and Sandy Berger [for a 6-month-old investigation into taking copies of documents (the originals are still in the National Archives)] [i]for all of their problems [/i]... That'll sure make Bush, Cheney & Rice [i]happy[/i] since it takes everybody's mind off of the Bushites' cover-up of little children being sodomized http://www.tblog.com/template... at Abu Ghraib!!! [i]Ain't that nice??? [/i]...
[b][u]UPDATE[/u]:[i]
I JUST WANTED TO LET deshanews, Noguru, Reducto, stepdad, brogonzo and all of the other Tblog neo-con fascists know that Rocky, the Tblog administrator says it's okay http://www.tblog.com/template... for everybody ([i]I guess that includes you guys too[/i]) to be posting blogs using different Tblog identities!!! He says "[i]a lot of people do it"[/i]! ... So go guys go-- keep on posting under different Tblog identities!!! [i]I don't care!!! [/i]I [i]really[/i] don't!!! It's pretty obvious that many ([i]if not all[/i]) of you guys [i]are spawned from each other [/i]and [i]stand-in for each other [/i]and that there are alot of clones and spawns of clones out there among you...!!![/i]
Also you neo-con crazies go on attacking other Tbloggers when your flacid, indefensible screed is exposed as bullshit!!! ... IT'S YOUR USUAL DIVERSIONARY TACTIC!!!
... Tblog Neo-Fascist Clones Reducto=deshanews=stepdad =noguru Use SS Nazi-style Tactics To Lie About Liberals Tbloggers in Order to Silence Them! These Ugly, Nasty Thugs don't understand Americans who value freedom of speech and while they follow the gutter-politics of falsely smearing others, I suspect that the Tblog Liberals are made of sterner stuff and won't be silenced! Resorting to Karl Rove's low-life politics seems to be all these pitiful garbage-mouths comprehend! [Of course it could be simpler than that! It could be that it's the only way that Reducto=deshanews=stepdad =noguru get any attention because no one with brains will otherwise read their Bush/Cheney neo-con propaganda picked-up from Rush Limbaugh, WND, Drudge and other goons!]
Reducto is [i]One Crazy Hypocritical Fuck [/i](alongside deshanews, stepdad or is it stepdud?, noguru, etc.) who sanctimoniously lectures us all about civility and condemns hate-speak-- and yet this [i]Crazy Fuck[/i] prints lies about other Tbloggers while not publishing his own hate-filled screed that prompts angry reactions!!! Yet, this asshole claims to be a "Christian"!!! What kind of "Christianity" is reducto representing??? Not the kind any sane man respects!!!
Reducto just published another one of his vile neo-nazi diatribes because he wants to be the[i] only one [/i]publishing on Tblog! Reducto's hateful screed is full of lies against Kerry and fascist propaganda he picks-up and regurgitates from Karl Rove! Reducto can't stand the fact that liberals fight back!!! [i]Tough Shit[/i]!!!
Reducto, deshanews, noguru, stepdud and others really are in need of psychological counseling as well as some lessons in US History, Democracy, Freedom of Speech, Ethics, Integrity, Science, Economics, etc.-- because apparently these self-annointed so-called "Christians" [[i]sic[/i]], [i]really[/i] Fascists think that it's okay for them to spread lies, smears, libels, slanders and other obscenities and that no one is going to FIGHT BACK!!! [i]That Really Is Sick[/i]!!!
These Neo-Con Fascist assholes act like they [i]own[/i] Tblog!!!
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL [/b]
[b]'Cause nothin' that [i]goes wrong [/i]could possibly be Dubya, the Useful Idiot's[i] fault[/i], right???[/b]
[b]Of course, we might ask if an over-indulgence of Cheetos & Mountain Dew contributes to brain-damage ... but that's for another day ...[/b]
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| Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rica and Donald Rumsfeld Set to Retire at End of This Term |
| 09.06.04 (6:53 am) [edit] |
Reports from the White House recently suggest that if President George W. Bush manages to gain another four years in office several key players in his first four years will retire. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Colin Powell have all announced that they will leave the Administration at the end of this year.
[i]This retirement home not large enough for all the Bush Administration retirees[/i].
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “ It’s true. Condi Rice will leave to go try and find a brain, Donald Rumsfeld will go try to find a heart and Colin Powell will go to try and find his reputation.”
When questioned as to likely replacements for the departing trio, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of even more anonymity said, “ Well, obviously we’re gonna put Paul Wolfowitz in the Defense spot as a reward for the success in the Operation Iraqi Liberation (O.I.L.)War; after all, it was his baby from the start. As for the other two, we still want to make sure we got some Black Folks in the mix, so we’ll probably move Elaine Chou over to State. As for National Security Advisor I don’t think it really matters. We’re not gonna have any real security as long as Bush is President so that job could be filled by Bevis and Butthead, or even Rudi Giuliani.”
When it was pointed out that Elaine Chou is Asian American, not African American Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of oodles of anonymity said, “ Asian American, Raisin American, do you think we really care? She’s ethnic as all hell and that’s what’s important. It’s not like we ever listened to our Secretary of State during the first term so what’s the big deal? Besides, Chou is kinda cute for a non white girl.”
When questioned as to whether John Ashcroft or Tom Ridge had expressed any plans to leave at the end of this term Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that this was his last paragraph said, “Just between you and me, we’d all like to see Ashcroft go but quite frankly we’re all too scared to ask him to leave. That is one freaky dude. Once you let a rabid attack dog in the house it’s not that easy to get him to go away again. As for Ridge, we’re gonna keep him. George Bush not withstanding, it’s nice to have a little comic relief now and then. Duck Tape and plastic, that still kills me.”
[i]Satire by Chuck Terzella, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Fox News Interrupts Second Coming for “Important” Bush Documentary ... |
| 09.06.04 (6:49 am) [edit] |
The widely anticipated Second Coming of Jesus Christ was announced on television, radio and internet news outlets all over the world during a press conference held by Vatican officials, who described in great detail the several year process they have gone through to ensure the accuracy of claims made by a 32 year old Akron, Ohio man named Stephen Anderson, who came to the Vatican in 1997 to introduce himself as the Savior. Having provided irrefutable proof that Mr. Anderson is indeed the resurrected son of God, Vatican officials turned the microphone over to Christ (Anderson) himself, and allowed him to deliver his message of peace and love.
[i]Christ (Anderson), in prep for his press conference[/i].
Approximately four minutes into his speech, Fox News, which had been carrying the press conference on a 10 second tape delay, cut Christ off in mid speech when he directly endorsed Kerry for President and lambasted the Bush administration as lacking any sort of moral compass. In what could only be called a tirade, a clearly pissed off Lord first assailed Bush for his role in the theft of the 2000 election, and then went off on a variety of topics from women’s rights, gay rights, the environment, health care, and the economy. But none of this was heard by viewers of the Fox News Channel, who were instead shown a feel good documentary about the current President, which claimed to show indisputable proof of how Bush and his administration had “saved” America in spite of itself.
After the dust had settled from the press conference, Fox News, known as the official channel of choice for both Christians and Republicans everywhere, was assailed with questions about their stance being so diametrically opposed to that of Christ himself. In response, the Republican Party and Fox News issued a joint press release questioning the wisdom of as they called him, “this new and improved politically correct Christ,” saying that he was “clearly on Kerry’s payroll”, and had “allowed his message of peace to blind him to the plight of real Americans.” Noting that Christ “probably doesn’t even own an American flag,” they assailed this “kinder, gentler, wussy Christ” as “out of touch with reality and real Americans like George W. Bush.” In summation, they claimed that Christ’s message of turning the other cheek would “make us unsafe from terror” and that his message of love and acceptance of all people particularly those practicing the “aberration” of homosexuality, would “destroy one of our most important institutions…that of marriage,” and suggested that His Father should “set him straight, no pun intended.”
Surprisingly, a Gallup/USA Today poll out only hours after the controversial press conference and rebuttal shows that President Bush now holds an 8-point lead against John Kerry. The poll also asked the Americans who said they consider themselves Christian and were planning to vote for Bush, who they would worship now that their political views precluded them from worshiping Christ. Not surprisingly, 92% said they would continue, as they always had, to worship the other “Almighty”, i.e., “the Almighty Dollar”.
In a related story, logic has been declared officially dead today. Apparently, logic had been assailed by unbelievably positive poll results for Bush despite his abysmal record. Logic has been in declining health since Bush, who pulled strings to get out of Vietnam and then went AWOL, and his VP Cheney, who received four college deferments from Vietnam and then got his wife pregnant, solely to receive a fifth deferment, began to reap political benefits by questioning the authenticity of Kerry’s two tours of duty and five decorations from the Vietnam conflict. When the most recent poll results went in the opposite direction that logic would predict, it became clear that logic had died a slow, painful death. Logic was 4,517 years old and will be sorely missed.
[i]Satire by dalepetrie, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ... GOP Puts the Party up for Bid as a Corporate Offering (Spoof) ... |
| 09.05.04 (6:37 am) [edit] |
[b]The Spoof:[/b] "In an attempt to raise more money, the GOP has come up with a novel strategy -- open corporate sponsorship."Corporations are giving us money all the time, and they're grumbling that there's no visible return," says GOP strategist Ben Dover. "Sure, we've done a lot in the last four years to give them a decent return on their contributions. Just look at the environmental record!" [So] we're having a sealed-bid auction....the highest bidder has the right to name the Republican Party for the next 4 years...Their name goes on every ballot paper, campaign literature, ad spot - you name it. Even at a billion dollars, it's a steal." So we could see Bush and Cheney of the Halliburton Party? "Absolutely ," says Dover. Does the DNC intend to introduce a similar system to raise money? "We're called the Democratic Party -- that means we're sponsored by the people -- not by a corporation. And we're going to keep it that way."
[b]A must-read satire on [/b] http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| Bush Administration Offers Vouchers to Middle Class Citizens Seeking To Flee ... |
| 09.04.04 (10:11 am) [edit] |
[b]Washington, DC[/b]--President George W. Bush today outlined his proposal to give vouchers to middle-class Americans seeking jobs, job security, affordable health care, and the promise of an eventual retirement that does not include sleeping on the street and scrounging through garbage cans.
[i]If You Don't Agree With Me, Just Leave![/i]
"Americans who don't agree with my forward-thinking domestic policies can simply leave America," said President Bush. "I don't want to get too huffy about it, but if they are silly enough to prefer a country like France that has a 35-hour work week and 5 weeks of vacation each year, then c'est la vie, and good riddance to them. With these vouchers, we'll give them the means to do so."
The vouchers will entitle people to a one-way economy flight on any American airline to England, France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Austria, or Scandanavia and will also provide them with a little extra money to purchase inexpensive luggage, some bottled water, and a few snacks for the flight.
"We need to concentrate on making the world a safer place so that people feel safe in their neighborhoods," said one Administration official. "We don't have time to deal with petty domestic issues like the economy. Bill Clinton got it wrong when he said 'It's the economy. stupid.' The correct phrase is 'the economy is stupid and anyone who worries about it is stupid too.'"
"We're all about choice here," concluded President Bush. "I don't care that psychological research has shown that too much choice can be as bad as too little choice. Those Americans who want to be able to work at three or four low-paying dead-end jobs with no health insurance but be able to walk down a bread aisle in the supermarket that has 50 different types of completely inedible bread--stay here with me! You're my type of American!"
He continued, "And those type of people who are satisfied with small supermarkets and only one or two types of bread that are are danged hard to chew--go! Go! Pick up a voucher and start packing!"
Public response to the vouchers has so far been favorable. "Maybe they can do a better job with this idea than they did with the Medicare overhaul," mused one elderly couple as they juggled information on Medicare from 40 different sources.
[i]Satire by Ilona Ronay, The Spoof[/i]: http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ... President Bush's RNC Speech: 'I will continue to kick the terrorist ass in the next 4 years.' |
| 09.03.04 (1:21 pm) [edit] |
President Bush addressed the Republican National Convention in New York last night with a powerful and emotional speech, which clearly defined his next 4 years and recapped his last 4.
[b]BUSH:[/b] Mr. Chairman, delegates, fellow citizens, I gladly accept your nomination for President Of The United States, damn, why not, I accepted it last time from the Supreme Court! Ha ha ha ha. What? Anyway…
When I said those words 4 years ago, no one ever thought that 9/11 was going to happen. But it did. So do you want that moron Kerry to help bring another 9/11? Well? Come on! Stop clapping and answer me! I didn't think so. So don't vote for that flip-flopper. Vote for me. I'll kick the terrorist's ass!
We have seen a shaken economy stop shaken for a little while thanks to me. We have seen Americans in uniform storm the mountains of that asshole Osama. Ok, so we have not found him yet, but I did get Saddam! Give me some credit!
We will build a safer world by giving most countries in the Middle East, except Saudi Arabia, 24 hours for their leaders to leave their country.
I have to thank my Vice President, Dick Cheney, for being there for me all this time. Damn, if he wasn't, I'm not sure what I could have done. Hey, I waited those 7 minutes after we were attacked on 9/11 because I was thinking, "What the hell would Dick tell me to do now." I finally could not figure it out, so I got up and gave him a call. Thanks Dick.
Now, I'm supposed to tell you what I will do the next 4 years so I have condensed it to my top 10 things:
#10 - I will fight terrorism so they don't come over here and kill you
#9 - I will probably leave most children behind, but hey, what's more important, to be well educated or to be alive? That's what I thought.
#8 - I think we need to honor our seniors. So I will implement a program where everyone must send every senior in his or her life a nice greeting card. Not sure about medicine stuff though.
#7 - India's economy, I mean, our economy is growing again because of my jobs creation, so I will continue the same Indian, I mean, American job creation policy.
#6 - I will fight all terrorists all over the world. I will be known as the "You've got 24 hours to leave" President.
#5 - To create jobs, I'm not sure what I'm going to do, to be honest with you. I mean, I can employ 10 people in India for the same cost of 1 in the U.S. What would you do?
#4 - In my new term, I will lead a bi-partisan effort to reform and simplify federal tax code. But if it does not work, I'll for sure blame the Democrats.
#3 - I will pass medical liability reform so that scumbag lawyers won't get any richer.
#2 - I will keep the promise of Social Security for our older workers. Now the younger ones, I would start putting all your money in 401K, since you won't see a penny from Social Security.
And the #1 thing I will do for our country is learn how to enunciate better. I promise you that if you vote for me this time, I will not embarrass our country by mispronouncing words or using them in the incorrect context.
So as you can see, four years ago, we were a pussy nation. Now we are feared and respected at the same time. Lybia is shitting in their pants thanks to the take over of Iraq. And Iran is also scared shitless. So, I ask you, do you want another 4 years of fighting terrorism in their land, or do you want a softer, kinder more sensitive war on terrorism that Kerry proposes?
[b]AUDIENCE:[/b] Booooooooo! Kerry is a pussy! Kerry is a pussy!
[b]BUSH:[/b] Ok then, I thank you all for your time and just remember, a vote for me is a vote for a safer America. A vote for Kerry is a vote to change our national language from English to Arabic.
[i]Satire by TheDailyFarce[/i]: http://www.thedailyfarce.com/...
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| ... President Bush Has Passed Away!!! ... |
| 09.02.04 (10:20 am) [edit] |
WASH. DC 9/02/04- The White House has announced that George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States, has unexpectedly passed away.
[i]The Big Sleep[/i]?
President George W. Bush was found dead in his bed last night. The official time of death was 11:09 PM EST. The President’s wife, Laura, said that the President went to bed around 9:30 and that she followed him at about 10:15 PM. Shortly after retiring, the First Lady noticed that the President was obviously dead.
Efforts to revive the President were haphazard and unsuccessful.
Preliminary autopsy results confirm that Mr. Bush’s brain and motor functions had officially stopped around 8:30 PM, January 10, 1996, and that the President had been kept alive for the past eight and one-half years with a pacemaker and a portable respirator that was strapped to his back and hidden by his suit jackets. Taking a cue from Weekend At Bernie’s and Wag The Dog, Karl Rove successfully executed a plan to make the President appear nearly life-like and almost Presidential.
The Republican Election Committee has announced that they will not drop President Bush from the upcoming Presidential Election ticket. The committee has reasoned that anyone who would vote for Bush in light of his lying about 9/11, EPA standards, Iraq, his military service, the economy, Weapons of Mass Destruction, prior drug use, veterans benefits, Abu Graib, positive education reform, John Kerry’s bravery, Chalabi, Ken Lay, Valerie Plame, John McCain’s sanity, the War on Terror, White House ties to Halliburton and being compassionate, they would certainly vote for him if he were dead. In fact, Bush’s death may swing a majority of undecided votes his way.
Plans for the President’s interment will be delayed until the Bush Family can find a suitable burial spot. The Bush’s wealthy friends are using all current burial sites for oil exploration.
[i]Satire by Scott Eugene, The Spoof[/i], http://www.thespoof.com/news/...
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| ...... A Clarification from President George W. Bush ...... |
| 09.01.04 (11:05 am) [edit] |
My Fellow Americans,
Unfortunately a remark I made yesterday in which I stated that "we will never win the war on terrorism" was deliberately distorted by the left-wing media who made it sound as if I had said "we will never win the war on terrorism."
Please allow me the opportunity to explain the true meaning of what it was I said.
What I meant to say was that beyond any shadow of a doubt it is a 100% certain possibly potential circumstance that we will definitely never not not lose the capability to convincing not unwin the current conflict.
The American people should rest assured that their government will do everything in its power to not not give the impression that we will not not not be perceived to not be engaging in every possible way we can to not not triumph in Iraq.
Any suggestion by my opponent that we would not not try to not not undo anything other than not not undertaking to not not unovercome our terroristic foe would be utterly not inconceivable.
I hope this has managed to set the record straight.
Thank you, and God bless America.
[i]Satire by The Chortler[/i], http://www.chortler.com/1455c...
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